Ah, Christmas.

A wonderfully happy time of wrapping paper, bows, cards, warm thoughts, kind words, and in some way, magic. As a child, I would wake up long before dawn with my brother, and we'd go out to the tree to inspect what boxes the infamous man in red had brought us. Then we'd go back to bed until our parents got up so we could see if our guesses were correct. Maybe it's the realization of the impossibility of a single man delivering presents to every kid on earth with the help of animals that don't exist, or the fact that as I've grown I've come to find that the world isn't such a nice place, but the holiday has lost some of it's magic. It's so moving to think about a God who loves us so much that he sent part of himself to die to save us long before we were even a thought, but the great capacity for goodness that this season used to hold seems to have been lost this year. Now, maybe it's the fact that it's a melancholy holiday this year, or maybe it's the fact that I've let myself become bogged down with my problems, but all the sparkle was gone. This is the first Christmas without my grandpa, and Christmas always reminds me of the woman that I saw as my grandmother who died three years ago. I worked around my house up until this morning, and I had so much to do at church last night that by the end, I didn't even want Christmas to come. I didn't feel like humankind loved each other this year, it didn't even seem like my family cared to be together. Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I know that we're a loving family, but it just didn't feel right this time around. At the same time, I feel like laughing at the ridiculousness I experienced today. You see, I received a pair of pink footed pajamas, and of course, I put them on. I sat on the couch covered in soft, fuzzy fleece and that should've felt like Christmas. A warm fuzzy feeling that you can't always explain, but that you know is there. However, I felt empty. I feel like I'm missing out on strong personal connections with people I'm not related to. I miss the people that I used to be so close to, and have since pushed away, or have not commited to staying close. No matter how hard I've tried to realize why I can't make myself leave my house, I've come up with no answers. So now it's time to throw away the torn paper, wrap up the left over food, return to our homes and settle in for the night. Tonight say a special prayer, please, for me? Just pray for the magic to return, because no age is too old to find a little magic in everyday life.

I'm fighting a losing battle

Today I balanced my checkbook. I'm now completely terrified and so lost. I have an amount in my account that is so low it's embarrassing to say it. I have no job, even though I'm home from school and could easily have one. However, it's impossible to find a place that is willing to hire you for a month knowing that you'll leave. This is the worst strain I've ever felt from money. I have no way to buy books for next semester. I can't even afford to put freakin gas in my car to get back to Flagstaff! My school has sucked my bank account completely dry, and I can't make myself admit to my parents that I'm completely and utterly broke. Even if I could admit to them that I need financial help, they can't give me any because they don't have any money either. I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a dry well, and there's absolutely no way to climb out.

My brother

I love him. So very much. He's taught me so much about being who you are without giving a damn about what anyone else thinks. I owe a big part of who I am to him. He's been there for me any and every time I've needed him. Luckily for me, he always knows exactly what to say to make me laugh and he has a knack for saying exactly what I need to hear. And for years I've wanted a girl to love him the way that I do, but with a romantic twist. It seem he's found her. He loves to spend time with her and gushes when he talks about her. This puts such a giant smile on my face. I knew that someone else had to understand how wonderful he is. My heart is happier than it's been in a very long time, and there's no reason to feel bad about that.

Dr. Phil is a moron.

If you know me at all, you should know that I absolutely despise Dr. Phil. He has people on his show who are willing to let the entire world in on their problems, and than he gives them the crappiest advice ever. Has anyone actually ever been helped by this bumbling idiot?

Case in point: Last night, there was a woman on his show who had extreme body image issues. She saved her brother from a house fire when she was 14 and was burned over 60% of her body as a result of her courage. She was so brave telling the world that she felt as though she'd never "be normal again" and that she looked in the mirror and "felt like a freak". My heart goes out to her because I know what she means. As little as I like to admit it, I hate the way I look because of my disease. The only time I really feel pretty is when I wear a long sleeved shirt and long jeans. I love my personality, and I think that inside I'm a beautiful person. But it's the outside that breaks my heart. It's stuck in my head that I don't look normal, and that's completely true, but I feel like I'm not normal and there's no way for me ever to be 'normal'. I'm embarrassed for the guys I've dated. When I was with my last boyfriend, I wouldn't let him hold my 'little hand' because I felt bad that people had to see us together.

Dr. Phil said to this woman, who had deep emotional scars and really needed help to get over them, that she "needed to be her own best friend". He didn't even explain to her what he meant by that. However, he said it at least four times. Then her time was up and he booted her off the show. I'd like to send a giant "screw you" to Dr. Phil for not even helping the one person that I've seen who actually needs the help of a psychiatrist. Way to go, jerk face.

Family

My family is strange. All of us. My moms brothers are so freakin ridiculous I can hardly imagine that they are actually fully functioning members of society. More than anything else, we are all so completely sarcastic that if you took everything we said seriously you'd probably hate us. But no matter what anyone says about any of us, we're together. No one could seperate us and no matter how others judge us, we have each other.

Now, I mention all of this because I feel like most of the people I know don't really understand my family until they meet them. They are funny, crude, obnoxious, rude, and love to have fun, and if you can't hang with them then you won't appreciate them.

The funny part of all this is, that I wouldn't have them any other way. My mom, my brother, and I all decorated our Christmas tree today, and my brother and I just gave my mom crap the entire time. But we were all laughing, and after we were done, there were tiny hugs exchanged and we all went back to our own tasks. There is so much love, and so much enjoyment of each other's company between us that I couldn't imagine my family being any other way.

Sometimes people misunderstand the way I show love for them. If I make fun of you, I love you. If I call you names, I need you in my life. And if I fight with you, it means I want to make a difference in your life. These are things that I've learned from living with this completely disfunctional, yet completely loving family of mine. There's the insight to my love. So, think back on how we interact, do I love you?

Moving on

To put it incredibly simply, Banana Boy is dense. I told him twice that I liked him, yet he didn't get what I meant until I spelled it out for him. Needless to say, he doesn't feel the same. It's funny, but I kinda don't feel deterred at all. Like, I need him enough in my life that it doesn't bother me at all, because at least he's still there. However, it makes me even more scared that I told him all this personal stuff and that he's just going to leave me in the dust and take my secrets with him. I feel completely ridiculous for how little I trust guys to be my friends, but when it comes to relationships I give them my heart without thinking twice. Mostly though, I hate that I trust him so much when he's around, but when I'm by myself I feel like I can't believe him. Worse than that, I can't tell him that I'm completely scared that he's going to hurt me like most of my other guy friends. Why can't people just treat me the way I deserve to be treated, than I won't have all this second guessing crap going on in my head?

Openmindedness

I have decided that I love people. I'm watching a show on TLC about a transgendered couple who are having a baby. This by itself made me a very happy panda. The fact that a big television company would document something that is as controversial this this subject is is truly inspiring. On top of that, this couple has a midwife that is between 40 and 50. She was interviewed by herself and she just treated the whole thing as though it was no big deal. However, she did mention that this was the first time that she'd ever helped a man have a baby. She even referred to him as a man. Then they interviewed the wife's mother and she said that she used to have a beautiful son, and now she had an even more beautiful daughter. It was so amazing to hear that people are becoming so accepting of people that they know and love or of people that they hardly know. It gives me great hope for our society and for where we are going with our respect for other human beings on this earth.

How in the world to I attract this type of people?

Remember the guy friend I used to have that I haven't talked to in four years who showed me a track mark? Well, even if you don't, I've just reminded you about him. Randomly he text me today. Is there something about me that screams 'I'd love to hear about all your drug problems!' or 'Please, please, please break my heart by continuing your bad behavior after I've given you so many freaking chances!'? I'm tired of people not understanding why I hate drugs and why I can't stand people who do them. I loved this friend of mine so much, and he just used that love I had for him to break my heart. It's strange that the pain is still there, and even after all these years it's still fresh. Now he has the nerve to tell me that he's "mostly sober". WTF! There's no such thing as being mostly sober. Sobriety in itself is the practice of not drinking, doing drugs, etc. I can't handle his bull anymore. He still smokes pot, which is ridiculous. He's adamant that pot isn't a gateway drug, when it got him into cocain, heroin, and severe drinking. And more than anything, I'm so mad that I let myself get upset at him still and that I still actually care about him. I have too much love to give to people who deserve it than to waste it on people like him who continually hurt me. So then the big question is, why do I continue to love those who are toxic for my heart?

Drain.

So, it seems that my folks are having some financial troubles. Which, in a way, I feel is my fault. I mean, I'm the one who needs almost $200 a month in medicine, and had crazy expensive heart tests done this summer, just to have nothing wrong with it. I just feel like a drain on my family. I feel like they could have the things they want, and be better off if they didn't have to take care of me. It breaks my heart to know that because I'm broken, I've made my family broke. And it drives me nuts because no one else gets what I mean. The first four months after I was diagnosed my parents spent almost $8,000 just on me and all my tests. They certainly didn't have the money for another kid, and they certainly don't have the money to help raise a sicky. I just hate what I've done to them, without even trying. Oh well, I guess I have more pressing issues than my health, so back to the back of my subconsious this all goes!

Oh Mylanta

So there's this boy... we've referred to him as Banana Boy before, so let's go with that. Today was Thanksgiving with my family. I absolutely love how crazy we all are and how much we all just mesh together. But, back to the boy. The entire day I was just wishing that he was here to meet my family and enjoy the craziness that I come from. Then it hit me, BOOM! I love this kid. Oh boy. This just made things complicated. Now I don't mean that I'm in love with him, but that I do love him. We're so close and that's what's awesomely terrifying about our friendship. I feel like I need him. Like, I want him to always be there for me, because I need that kind of stability in my life. However, at the same time, I have a great infatuation with the boy. I think about him all the time, and more than anything else, I just want to hold his hand. (As completely corny as that saounds.) I think I might be in a mess of trouble with this one, and I'm pretty excited about that. :)

My thoughts on self

So in my world religions class we've been learning about Buddhaism. From what I understand, they believe that the only way to exit the karmic cycle that forces one to continually be reborn is to realize that there is no self. There is no God, no self, and everything you know is only there because you mistakenly believe that it is there. Almost sounds like the Matrix, right? That's besides the point. How pointless does the life you live seem if you have no self or no soul. I've left that class depressed everytime we've talked about it. However, religion isn't my reason for writing this. Lately I've been thinking, what constitutes what I would call my self? I'd have to say that it is, in essence, a combination of my personality, my thoughts, my wishes, my desires, and my faith. And I guess that's all well and good, but what am I without all that? Am I, are we, just empty blank human beings? Or would we be more like robots, with no independent thoughts or aspirations? And if there really is no self, than what is the point in living at all? In order to feel like I matter, I need to believe that I have a purpose here, and that no one else is exactly like me. Whether or not my belief is true, I have faith that I do matter, and that I do have a self. Believe whatever you want, this is what makes me happy, and I won't compromise that.

Men.

You'd think relationships with men would be easier than women. They don't thrive on drama, they tell you exactly why they're mad, and their sense of humor is easier to tap into. However, it's recently dawned on me that I don't have very good relationships with the guys in my life. As long as we keep them superficial, everything goes great, it's the minute things get real that the proverbial spaghetti hits the fan. I'm not super close with my dad, and all the other male members of my family, with the exception of my brother, live far away. But it's really the guy friends I've had in my life that really have messed up my ideas about men. I was friends with this guy since we were in the second grade. Then one day out of the blue, he showed me a heroin track scar and laughed about it. I haven't spoken to him since then, and that was about four years ago. Any time I get a very close guy friend, he either leaves me or I put way more into the relationship than I get back. Now, I've made a new friend, let's call him Banana Boy. I haven't known him very long, but we're already super close. I'm really afraid that he's going to leave like the rest of them; however, he seems completely different. It's mostly that I've never met another guy that is so easy to open up to, and I feel like he really knows me and understands me for who I am. That's the scariest part of all, what if he really sees me for who I am, and hates me for what he sees. Then I opened up my heart to some kid who played with it, then stomped it into the mud. I guess I just need to have the faith that he won't be like a lot of the other men in my life and leave me with an open sore wound where my heart used to be. But where in this big world am I supposed to find that kind of faith in a man?

Memories can come up and bite you in the tuchis

It's almost ridiculous the things that can trigger memories in your brain. Today I was just watching tv, when a Hallmark commercial came on. It was actually for one of the cutest things I've ever seen. There were two little girls who opened a book, and then their grandmother's voice started reading the story to them. The commercial ended with her voice saying 'I love you girls'. I completely lost control of my tear ducts. I cried almost as hard as when I heard that my grandpa had died. It hit me just then that I'm starting to lose my memory of how he sounded. It breaks my heart that I can hardly hear him say he loves me in my head anymore. Then it occured to me that I can't remember how my grandmother's voice sounded anymore. And I can hardly hear Ms. Vi tell me 'Merry Christmas' anymore, and that was always the way I wanted to remember her because it was her favorite holiday. And I can only see Tim's smile when I see old pictures of him. Mostly it breaks my heart that the memory of people who are so precious to me were intrusted to something as faliable as my very human brain. I'm completely astonished that I can remember some of the worst moments in my entire life, but I can't remember the simple things about some of the best people that have ever been in my life. I guess the human brain is funny like that, but I still remember the little things about them that made them so special. The way my grandma always smelled like peppermint, and how she believed that they could cure everything from a headache to a stomache ache. The way that Vi was always filled with spunk and had a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. My grandpa's undying stubbornness and never ending love for his family. I guess that it's those things that'll keep in my memory. It's just utter craziness that one little commercial could trudge up all those memories. Oh goodness brain, when will you leave me be and not make me cry over silly things that bring up sad memories?

Something I discovered yesterday

So I was talking to a friend yesterday and I found out something that I think makes me happy. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a skin disease, and while it's not very serious, my dermatologist was a total jerk. He told me that my disease was going to kill me. As a 14 year old girl, being told that you're going to die slow, painfully and soon shatters your world. So the fact that he was wrong and I'm feeling excellent really makes my day each and every day. Anyway, back to the friend I was talking about. She had no idea that I had been told I was dying, and she was completely surprised. Then it hit me. People always wonder why I take my disease so lightly nowadays, and this is why. They didn't live through my disease like I did, and they don't understand how easy it is to live with now as compared to when I thought I'd never live to see college. My every day is a great gift, and I celebrate each day with laughter. So people, I'm really not as sensitive about it as everyone assumes I am. If you're curious, ask, don't stare. I'm a better person for what I've been through, and I want to use it to help others cope with things. Lean on me, I'm strong when you can't be.

Here's to all the nice guys

I don't know any girls who would rather date a jerk than a truly nice guy. So stop all this crap about 'girls only date jerks'. You piss me off so much! Honestly, maybe the only problem is that you're smothering her! Back off! I really do love the nice guys, and I truly appreciate you being out there, but sometimes things just aren't going to work out. When that happens, don't take it personally! Things just weren't right, and there's no reason for that to be a life-shattering event, especially if you two weren't even dating. I'm tired of people my age constantly putting all their relationship faith in one person, and, heaven forbid, it doesn't pan out, then they're completely depressed and unconsolable. So everybody just do me a favor: Nice guys, don't give up, girls will eventually catch up with you. And everybody else, just stop being so stupid with your relationships.

Sorry for the rant, but I felt it necessary.

Oh me, oh my...

It seems that all too often my brain feels scrambled because of boy drama. I feel like I'm leading on two or three guys right now, depending on how What's his bucket feels about me. Now I'm so worried about not hurting anyone's feelings that I'm not even sure how I feel about this situation. To catch you up, there's this new guy that lives in my building, we'll call him Luke, he left messages on the board on my door, and we ended up hanging out because of these messages. He's very nice, but I'm afraid I rushed into things and I believe that now we've crossed the line between friends and the grey 'relationship' area. I'm not even sure if I'm in a good place to be in a relationship because I'm so frazzled and all over the place right now. I'm not even exactly sure how I feel about him. It never seems to fail, I'm alone with no one interested for like a year at a time, then I find one guy and we start flirting, then before I know it, there's mulitple guys and I have no idea how I feel about any of them. I'm getting very tired of this cycle. Right now, it feels like my brain is inside a washing machine that just keeps filling with water and bubbles and keeps spinning back and forth. I have no idea of what I'm going to do, so I guess it's great that I'm out-of-town for this weekend. If you have any advice I'd love to hear it! Please?

Preserverence

Today I climbed a mountain. It wasn't a figurative mountain, it was a very literal mountain. I climbed over 800 ft at an altitude of 7000 ft above sea level. I wanted to quit at least ten times, and really tried to twice. But I pushed myself to reach the top, and a friend pushed me too. It's funny how clear the world looked from up there. I realize it sounds completely cliche but it's true. The world was beautiful and calm and I just looked at how far I had climbed and just felt so proud. I had done it, I did it for JJ*, I did it for Poo Face*, but most of all I did it for me. Right now, my leg hurts so bad because I fell on the way down, and the entire lower half of my body is going to be in intense pain tomorrow, but it was all completely and utterly worth it.

So my message to you is to climb your mountain, and take a good look around. What you see might surprise you, or maybe you'll just be happy that you got to experience it first hand. Have a lovely day.

*- obviously not their names, haven't we established this already?

It has officially been decided

I've come to a realization as of this very moment. Life is better and richer when you laugh. No matter what has happened I think each and every one of us needs a laugh that is so infectious that it hurts our sides every single day. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy, and no matter how bleek things look there is always something out there that will make you laugh. Whether it's being so crushed with sadness that one amusing thing breaks the sadness, or whether you finally find yourself smiling for no reason and that makes you laugh, you need happiness in your life. I just had one of those, it literally takes my breath away bouts of laughter that makes my roomie concerned about me. And as I finally caught my breath and reassured her that I wasn't going to die, I realized how much richer my life had gotten from that one little bout of breathless laughter. I highly encourage you to partake in this brilliant new discovery of mine. Bonne courage! (Which means 'good luck' in english)

A weight has been lifted...

So completely unlike myself, I told Cutie Face how I feel about him. The funny thing is, he said he knew, but I guess you could've seen that one coming. He doesn't return my feelings, but, everything is good, we're going to stay friends, and since he already knew nothing is going to be awkward. This is a giant weight off my shoulders since I was really worried that our friendship was going to be wierd from this point on. And it's amusing, I knew that he didn't have feelings for me, but I still needed to tell him for me. I need to work on being open about my inner most feelings. Obviously this blog is a way that I'm opening up to people who I might never even meet, so that's a step in the right direction. I even told Cutie Face that it was more for my benefit than his, and he told me that I had balls for telling him at all. Leaving this encounter, I had a smile on my face. I was able to tell him exactly what I needed to, and in his true fashion he was totally cool about it. He didn't make me feel awkward, and he just told me exactly how he felt, and now we're both getting over the encounter. Cutie Face gave me confidence even in shooting me down. It's this ability to find the light in the proverbial darkness that makes each day a learning experience. And I can't wait to see what tomorrow has to teach me.

Why do I do this?

I'm so tired of letting others change my perception of myself. Constantly someone can say something and make me feel like I'm not good enough. This often hurts the most when I'm very close to this person. I know who I am, and 99% of the time I know that I'm good enough, but it's that 1% that is bothering me tonight. I just feel like I'm not good enough for a guy, or my friends, or even for the career I want. It's these low moments that make me miss my family the most. My mom would sit with me on the couch, and listen to me for as long as I needed her to. My brother would listen, then do something stupid to make me laugh. And my dad would just inspire me because he's such a rock for the family. But here I am, away at school, feeling alone and not good enough. I almost feel silly saying how much I need them. I mean, I'm almost 20 years old for goodness sake. But it's just I feel I need them most when I'm feeling down, which I have been feeling for a couple days. I just hate that I do this to myself. I'm not feeling too hot, then something happens that upsets me, and then I'm right here, feeling gross and not good enough. Then I stay in a gross funk for a few days until I just snap out of it and get over myself.


But then I admit to my friend, Cricket, that I'm unhappy, and I tell her why I'm unhappy. Then because she's amazing, she understands how I feel and makes me feel better. I could easily thank God everyday for friends like her. I love you honey, and thank you for putting a smile back on my face. :)

Serendipity...

So, completely out of the blue yesterday, a guy I haven't seen since 8th grade found me on facebook. Then we started talking, and we talked until almost 1 am. The amazing part of all of this is that we hardly even spoke to each other when we went to school together. We talked more yesterday then we ever had before. And this got me thinking about missed connections and things like fate.

What if everyone has already met or been in the same room as the person they are meant to be with forever? Like if that one time you were in Louisiana (or any other state besides the one you live it) you shared an elevator with the man (or woman) that you will eventually marry. If someone was watching your life like a movie, they would know about this chance meeting that never happened, but you'd have no idea. Recently I watched the movie Serendipity for the first time. Watching those meant-to-be lovers keep missing each other broke my heart. They had no idea how close they were to each other, luckily it all worked out in the end. What if God, or whatever deity you believe in, is watching us live our lives in the same way. It's breaking his heart because our tunnel vision is so severe that we don't notice the person that is completely perfect for us, and there's nothing He can do but sit back and watch. So, just for my own benefit of thought, I'm going to keep my eyes open to the people around me, and I will try to notice each and every one, and I'll let you know what comes of it. Wish me luck!

The little things that make me smile

Recently I've discovered the best site ever, givesmehope.com. As I was reading the stories about all the older couples being so in love it brought more than a few tears to my eyes. These stories reminded me of this summer when my grandpa died. We were cleaning out drawers in the house and I couldn't even bring myself to look at his recliner because he'd never sit in it again. Later that day, my mom was going through the drawers in his bedroom, and what she found still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. In his drawers were two large wooden boxes full of my grandmother's jewelry. She died in 2002, and none of us knew that he had this. And in another drawer we found another wooden box that said 'Our Wedding Day' on it. Inside the box was his boutonniere, a program, and pictures from my uncle's wedding, who was his last child to get married.

This might just seem like nothing to those of you who never had the wonderful privilege to meet my grandpa. He was one of the best men I've met in my entire life. He worked hard at a cattle feed lot his entire life, and had to move his family a couple of times in order for him to continue to have a job. He had six children and for several years all 8 of them lived in a two bedroom duplex. He has 15 grandchildren and one great granddaughter. He knew us all personally and always believed that we could be anything we've ever wanted to be. He's had between 7 and 9 heart attacks and in the early 90's they told him he only had a few years to live. This man gives me the greatest hope for my own life because he lived for 10 years with only 25% of his heart working. He took at least 7 of us fishing every summer, even though that meant he couldn't fish because we were all so needy. On the outside, no one would've ever thought this man could love so many so very much, but he loved us all.

While cleaning out his basement, I found a picture of the two of us laying on the floor in his living room when I was about two or three. This picture is currently framed on the wall in my dorm room. He loved with all of his big heart. He died seven years and three days after his beloved wife. This wonderful man, and the amazing life he led is what gives me hope. I miss him everyday, but I know he's happy because he's with my grandma again.

You'll be remembered, loved, and missed Everett Ball, better known as Grandpa. <3

Through true sadness can we find utter joy

Sometimes I'm surprised by how much events from my past, can still effect me in the present. When I was growing up, my mom needed to go back to work, so my dad's aunt babysat for my brother and I for the first 12 years of my life. I got really close with her three kids since I spent everyday with them. Around the time I was in junior high, we noticed that something was wrong with my cousin Concierge*. He had rich friends his entire life, and since they had money, they could get their hands on drugs. He ended up with a heroin problem, and he stole from his mother, his sister, and his brother. I haven't seen him in almost six years, and I'll probably never see him again. I was talking to some very close girl friends last night, and I told them this story. Tears welled in my eyes, without any real details and even after so much time had passed. This really showed me how much of who I am has been shaped by my past and especially by my family. I think this is the kind of thing that has led me to believe the way I do about people. Even though Concierge truly hurt me, and that the wounds he caused continue to hurt, I still believe the best in people, and I still truly love him because he is my family. My heart is open to a world that has the great potential to crush me. As a very good friend put it today, 'You don't do anything half-assed. You are completely into loving those who are around you.' I'm truly happy with those that I love because my heart has seen so much sadness. In a sense, I don't think that anyone could really appreciate being happy unless they had seen how bad things can get. I miss Concierge very much, and I hate that I'll probably never get to meet his toddler daughter. But this has taught me to really appreciate the people in my life, because I never know when and if they'll walk out of my life.



*This term is french for caretaker. I felt it was appropriate since he helped raise me. I'm sticking to the idea that this blog was all my idea, so it's my choice to share details about my life with you, however, since others don't have this same say I'll give them all aliases.

In order to understand me

I realize that you know almost nothing about me. And without actually meeting me, you have no idea about who I am except for the information that I tell you. It is the goal of this blog to truly express myself, with minimal buffers and with very little kept secret. As one of my theater professors put it most eloquently, 'You will find parts of yourself that you don't like, maybe that you even hate. But once you accept yourself exactly the way you are, you'll be able to just sit on the grass, stare at the clouds, and be absolutely content.' So, to find my inner peace I have to acknowledge every facet of my personality. Here's just a sample of some of the things I'm not exactly proud of, but that make me who I am:

I'm loud, obnoxious, rude, crude, I cuss like a sailor, I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy, I'm not exactly graceful, I judge people (I just don't say it out loud), I hide things from people, I lie, I have a fiery temper, I can hold a mean grudge, I put myself down, I make fun of others, and I can be a real b!*%h.

I think I actually wrote all this down more for my benefit than for yours. My professor was right, I feel lighter now that I've just realized and owned up to my failings. I'm only human, I have many pieces of my personality that I don't like, or that I'm not proud of, but that doesn't mean that I don't absolutely love the person who I am. I love me, regardless of my failures.

So there's this boy...

Since love and happiness usually go hand in hand, it's only natural that I tell you about my love life. I'm amazed that I usually develop feelings for a guy at a speed that I don't even realize it until all at once it smacks me in the face. This happened today while I was talking with my roommate. I've dreamt about a certain guy two nights in a row, and when I wake up I've been smiling.

The purpose of this blog isn't to tell people I have feelings for them, so we'll call this dream man Cutie Face. Now, Cutie Face has currently been dealing with some lady drama, and we've been talking about his troubles. I thought I just had a crush on Cutie Face, but it wasn't until today when I realized how much I wish my dreams had been real. I have deep feelings for him.

Cutie Face, if you happen to read this, I think I love you. You were the one who said you'd rather have someone tell you, and since I'm a chicken when it comes to expressing my true heart feelings, this is the best I can do for right now.

What's goin' on!

So I've decided to set up a blog in the hopes that I can really find out something insightful about myself as a person. I'm a big believer in the idea that our whole lives are about finding out who we are as human beings. No two people are the same, and yet we can actually get along with one another. So far I know a lot about myself:

I will never stop believing in love
I have to laugh everyday
I'm easily amused (so that helps with the laughter thing)
My personality is sometimes overwhelming
I'm funny
I love things that would interest little boys, ie: dinosaurs, captian planet, superheroes, etc.
I'm confident and insecure at the same time
I'm book smart, but not usually street smart
I'm a super huge klutz
I have strange habits
I have real fears

That's just a little bit that I've discovered about myself, but I don't want to give away too much all at once. But before I leave this blog to be sent through cyberspace, I have one final thing to tell you. I believe in true happiness. The kind that leaves a smile on your face before you fall asleep and that makes you feel like you're walking on clouds. So welcome aboard my happiness boat, feel free to ask almost anything you want. This is mostly my journey, but unlike the cruise lines, I welcome stowaways.