Ah, Christmas.

A wonderfully happy time of wrapping paper, bows, cards, warm thoughts, kind words, and in some way, magic. As a child, I would wake up long before dawn with my brother, and we'd go out to the tree to inspect what boxes the infamous man in red had brought us. Then we'd go back to bed until our parents got up so we could see if our guesses were correct. Maybe it's the realization of the impossibility of a single man delivering presents to every kid on earth with the help of animals that don't exist, or the fact that as I've grown I've come to find that the world isn't such a nice place, but the holiday has lost some of it's magic. It's so moving to think about a God who loves us so much that he sent part of himself to die to save us long before we were even a thought, but the great capacity for goodness that this season used to hold seems to have been lost this year. Now, maybe it's the fact that it's a melancholy holiday this year, or maybe it's the fact that I've let myself become bogged down with my problems, but all the sparkle was gone. This is the first Christmas without my grandpa, and Christmas always reminds me of the woman that I saw as my grandmother who died three years ago. I worked around my house up until this morning, and I had so much to do at church last night that by the end, I didn't even want Christmas to come. I didn't feel like humankind loved each other this year, it didn't even seem like my family cared to be together. Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I know that we're a loving family, but it just didn't feel right this time around. At the same time, I feel like laughing at the ridiculousness I experienced today. You see, I received a pair of pink footed pajamas, and of course, I put them on. I sat on the couch covered in soft, fuzzy fleece and that should've felt like Christmas. A warm fuzzy feeling that you can't always explain, but that you know is there. However, I felt empty. I feel like I'm missing out on strong personal connections with people I'm not related to. I miss the people that I used to be so close to, and have since pushed away, or have not commited to staying close. No matter how hard I've tried to realize why I can't make myself leave my house, I've come up with no answers. So now it's time to throw away the torn paper, wrap up the left over food, return to our homes and settle in for the night. Tonight say a special prayer, please, for me? Just pray for the magic to return, because no age is too old to find a little magic in everyday life.