What a tough semester?

One of my professors told me last week that I had had a really rough semester in my personal life. At the time I was really confused, I thought it was no worse than usual. But after some actual thought on it, this has been an incredibly rough one. My aunt died of brain cancer the day before the semester actually started. I can't even remember her before she got sick. My great uncle died, and that made me come to terms with the horrible things he used to do to me. I told my mom about it, and my brother and I talked about it. I was told that I probably have epilepsy, and I started all my tests to figure it out. I had my first MRI. I had a huge project that took up my whole semester to get it done. And I was fighting with a really good friend of mine. This semester was crap. Listing it all really tells me how crap-tastic it really was, so how do I still see it as no worse than any other semester? Would I rather just hide away from the fact that I did have a lot to deal with, or do I see my life as so awful that this was really nothing special?

What the heck!?

I am so sick and tired of getting shit on for having my own opinion. I get to think whatever I want to think and it really doesn't matter what other people think of this fact.That is my right as a free human being: to have thoughts and opinions. I don't like a specific organization within my department at school. And it is well within my rights not to like them. What I'm tired of is people saying shit to me all the time about it. You know what? I'm sick and tired of people acting like they are the organization. Guess what, you aren't. You are a separate entity and I can like you just fine without liking a group you belong to. I'm tired a particular person who constantly acts like he's better than everyone because he is so mature. Well you're the worst! You act so offended because your pledge week crap annoys me? I'm trying to work. And apparently because you're 24 and I'm only 21 that makes you a better judge of how to behave than me? Well shove it! You are by no means better than me, and I have every right to not like the group you're a part of. So if my department could just get off my back about not liking their dumb club that would just be fantastic. And now that's the end of my rant.

One thing, two totally different ways

I've had two deaths in my family within the last month. My aunt died in the last week of August, and my great uncle died last night. Her death filled me with so much sadness that my heart broke for her and her children. The pieces still don't fit together quite right. But my uncle, I feel no drop of sadness for his passing. Instead, I am sad for myself. I am sad that he was the subject of my last post. I am sad that he drastically changed my life. And I'm sad that I feel nothing left for a man who helped to raise me. My aunt was a good, sweet woman who did not deserve the brain cancer card that was dealt to her. She did not deserve to suffer for 18 while the people who loved her most watched her fade away from the woman she once was. And she did not deserve to only know her granddaughter for 3 years. My uncle deserved everything that he got. He burned family bridges and destroyed family dynamics. He fought with my parents. He let me suffer and the hands of my cousin. I hadn't spoken to him in almost 10 years. Grief is a funny thing. It can break people. It can make people stronger. It can make you cry. But it's the scariest when it doesn't make you sad at all, and it actually makes you relieved.

Pretending

You know, a lot of people say I major in pretend. As a theatre major it is my job to make people believe things that aren't real. But isn't that really just lying? I've been thinking about this lately because I've finally come clean about some major lies in my life. When I was a kid, I was watched by family. When my great aunt wasn't around however, my great uncle would let his son beat me around. This week I found out he's dying, and even though it makes me sound like an awful person, I don't really care. I mean, he let a little girl get beat up by her much older boy cousin. I'm not referring to a playful horsing around kind of thing, it was much more serious than that. I finally told this to my mom just this week. She half sounded like she could see that happening and half surprised. I think what really bothered me is that I kept this a secret until I was a junior in college. I couldn't admit that someone who was supposed to love me and take care of me could abuse the trust I put in them. And it's even harder to admit now that I still love his son, because he is my family. But what truly breaks my heart is the cold person I've become towards this man. This man who used to married to one of the greatest women in my life. The man who I'm still afraid will show up where I live or work or go to school. The man I've spent half my life hating. The man who was supposed to protect me because he was my family. One question keeps returning to me: Do I need to pretend to love this man after all he's done, or can I just wash my hands of this and walk away?

I can't believe I completely forgot

So I recently realized that I forgot to blog about my diagnosis anniversary. It was on the 19th but somehow it must have slipped my mind. It's funny, the first year I was diagnosed was one of the scariest times of my life, and the last year has been one of the happiest of my life. I'm meeting people who are incredibly comfortable making little hand jokes, and laughing at the ones I make. The people in my life are more comfortable than ever with my morphea, but I think that's partially because I'm more comfortable than ever with it. I don't see my hand the first thing when I look into a mirror or at a picture. I see my face. I see my smile. I see me just being happy with the way things are, no compromises. I'm living an amazing life, and I've come to really take each day as a blessing and make it a day that was worth living. And a joke here and there never hurt anyone. :)

"That's another bright side to having a baby hand. Soon they'll be in vogue, and everyone's gonna want one."

The journey towards being a grown up

I took a tiny step towards being a grown up yesterday. I cooked dinner for myself and my boyfriend for the first time in my first apartment. It was such a little thing, but it made me feel really nice. I wasn't being forced to cook, I did because I wanted to. And it's also nice knowing that I won't starve without a meal plan. It may have been a tiny step, but at the very least it was a step in the right direction and that's good enough for me.

I hate the me I once was

I ran across a cd today. On it were pictures and typed out text conversations from when I was "with" Stupid. He called me things like babe and sugar and darling, and it utterly disgusted me to read these and know that I completely believed him at the time. I hate who I was back then. I was pathetic and needy. I wanted so badly for him to care about me that I allowed myself to act in cheap and tawdry ways. I'm ashamed of who I was and the things I did just a short time ago to try and buy someone's love. It hurt me so badly to refresh those memories that I instantly text my boyfriend to tell him how much I love him and how I'll never be able to thank him enough for loving me just the way I am. I'm a lucky gal to have found him, I just wish I hadn't sold myself so short in the past. But I'm living, I'm learning, and I'm moving on with my life.

I'm a lost cause

I can't handle distance from the one I love. Granted, it's only about 100 miles and I usually get to see him on the weekends, it's still so hard to watch him drive away. I hated standing on my driveway and watching his minivan turn the corner and drive out of sight. It breaks my heart to think that he was just here and now he's left. I'm such a mess when I'm in love :)

When you know something is wrong

So I've known something isn't right for a long time now. When things are right, people don't twitch, so I should have known this all along. But denile is a powerful card in my hand. I can go on for long periods of time simply not accepting the truth or where this will end up. But my card has been played and I have to accept the facts. There could be something wrong with my brain. When you tell a doctor about a big one directional twitch that you've developed and her eyes get as big as saucers, there's obviously something wrong. Now I'll probably end up seeing a neurologist over Christmas break. I could easily handle when there was something wrong with my stomach, and it's not bad dealing with problems in my joints. Heart problems didn't even really get to me. But the fact that there could be something wrong with my brain is absolutely and completely 100% terrifying. What's going to happen if there is something wrong? How will I handle that? What if I'm just not strong enough to handle this?

I have this man

I have this man, and he is wonderful beyond all words. He constantly makes me feel accepted and wonderful just the way I am. There's no hiding, or pretending to be something I'm not. There's just being who I am, and liking myself that way. And if that isn't great enough, there's even more. I love him. And he loves me right back! He's such a nerd, and he's smart, and funny, and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. And I love him. He constantly reminds me that I deserve to be treated better than a lot of guys have treated me recently, and he makes me feel good about myself. I'm also reminded that there was always hope that this kind of love was out there for me, but that I had become jaded by guys being jerks. I love this man, and I love all that he's already done for me. So this one is for Tye Dye, my fantastically nerdy partner in crime. It's us against the world baby. :)

The wonders of opening yourself up

I decided, probably less than a day after my last post, on who to choose. Hands down, it was Tye Dye. He is officially now my boyfriend, and I really couldn't be happier. I woke up this morning, rolled over in bed, and saw him sleeping next to me. I kissed his cheek and just grinned. I wasn't able to stop grinning for at least an hour. I feel so lucky for having such a wonderful man care about me. I feel beautiful and amazing just because he's around. I'm not sure what in my life led me to him, but I feel incredibly blessed that it did. There is no better feeling than feeling loved and wanted and protected from the things that will hurt you. I love that this feeling is back in my life and I just hope and pray that it (and he!) stays around for a good long time. :)

The pros and cons of falling in like

I've been having a mental debate lately. I like this guy (new topic, right!?). And he's so sweet and so good to me, but I'm not sure how I feel about him. And there's another guy who I have absolutely no business being with, yet for some reason I can't get him out of my head. Then my friend told me about the 80/20 principle. Basically this states that you have a main person, who gives you 80% of everything you need. Then there's another person who gives you the 20% that the first person can't give you. People are then attracted to the 20% because it is what they are missing from the person who gives them 80%. I hope that made sense. Tye Dye is my 80, but Long-boarder is my 20. I'm getting way more from Tye Dye and thus this should be a no brainer. I'm not even sure that he can't give me more than 80%. If I really like this guy, and if he's so good for me, why is my brain putting up roadblocks? Is it something that I need to get over? Do I just need to take a leap? Or am I just trying to sabotage myself?

Living with not dying from disease

It's probably completely unproductive, but I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I was never told I was dying. If I went to an actually competent dermatologist, I never would have heard it. I'm struggling at the moment because I'm really starting to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. At a certain point I didn't even think I'd make it to college. But I'm here and I'm mostly healthy. However, the what-ifs and questions still haunt me.

What if I had never heard I was dying?
Would I be better prepared for my future?
Would I be able to better function in relationships?
Would I still be the same person?
What if I didn't graduate?
What if I had dropped out of school because I was so sure I was dying?
What if I had made all the bad decisions that were presented to me my freshman year in high school?
Would I have gone down the same path as my one time sort of boyfriend?
Could I be in jail right now for the decisions I had made?
Would I appreciate my life as much as I do if I didn't think I could lose it?
Would I love as hard as I do?
Would I take as many risks?
Would I say the vast amount of stupid things that I do?
Would I still have my semi-black sense of humor?
Would life just be easier?

I know that all this isn't exactly helpful, but sometimes it creeps into my brain that everything might be so much better if my doctor had never lied to me.

Boys boys boys

It's a little funny. My brand new friend-wife was giving me crap earlier today and last night because she says I have a lot of luck picking up guys. The funny thing is that I can't get any follow up. I danced with this guy at a bar last night and he asked for my number, I haven't heard from him yet, and I truly doubt that I will. And there's this guy that was in the opera, and he even admitted to flirting with me, yet I've heard no more from him. The closest equivalent I can come up with is that if I were a gator hunter, they are on my line, and I just can't get the kill shot to their head. Admittedly I don't want to kill them obviously, but I feel as though this is a good image. I have an interest in them, I make this completely obvious, and still I get nothing. I can get them on the hook and even reel them in, but I can never get them from the hook into the boat. Oh well, I guess someone will climb into the boat sometime.

Ain't it nice?

The pieces fall into place. Decisions get made and stuck to. New friends get made and experiences happen. We smile, we laugh. We are happy.

I love where I am right now. I've made decisions about next year and how I will finish up my undergraduate career. I have a place to live and one of my best friends is coming back to live up here. I have fantastic friends and my family is wonderful. I'm just so content to be in this place. It's been a little bit since I've been here and I'm ecstatic to be back!

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought

Just yesterday I felt so weak it was almost hard to remember how strong I can be. I was taking the bus to class in the morning and there was a girl on there. She was a college student and I have probably never met anyone who made me feel as bad as she did. She stared at my hand with her mouth literally open. And I'm positive that she was staring at my hand because she followed it with her eyes whenever I moved it. I have just never felt so uncomfortable, nor has a complete stranger ever been so close to getting me to cry. It ruined my whole day. Even hours later I was sitting in my car and I started to tear up about it. Why did I let this stupid girl get to me? I had thought that I was so much stronger than that, but I let her rip my pride to shreds. The day turned out okay in the end because I got to flirt and was called cute by a very adorable boy in the opera, but I still can't believe I let her do that to me. When did I stop being the tough cookie I used to be?

Which way is the right way, or are they all right?

Do you ever get to a point in your life where it feels like there are only huge decisions looming over your head? And there is no clear answer for any of them? On top of that, everyone you know constantly gives their opinion without ever letting you give yours? It seems that they forget that the decision is yours to make. It almost feels like you're standing in the middle of hundreds of pathways, but you can't see more than a single foot down any of them. There are so many reasons that lead you to each and every one of these decisions, but no one way has more reasons that pull you to it than any other. And so you're stuck, waiting, watching, and hoping for a sign that one way is the way to take to become a better human being, or to be happy, or to move on with your life. But it's the indecision that's killing you and paralyzing you to the point that you physically can't move for the fear of making the wrong choice. So what do you do? What do you do!?

Welcome to my world.

The beauties of my family

I just got off the phone with my parents. They had called because tomorrow is my birthday. My dad even planned a little something special for me. He found a recording of my favorite book growing up: Runaway Soup. I made my dad read this to me so often that he had the entire thing memorized for years afterwords. The fact that he remembered this thing that was so huge and reminded me of it on my 21st birthday was so special. I cried listening to this random little girl reading one of my favorite stories. It was really nice to get even more confirmation of how much my daddy and my mommy love me. This is going to be a great birthday!

I've got issues

I worry, all the time about nothing. I let myself ache over things I have no control over. I forget that others have things going on in their lives that keep them from being able to do what they want to or what they said they would. I feel like I'm alone in my struggles, yet I don't tell anyone. I'm stubborn to a fault.
But there are people who love me just the way I am.
It's strange but I had a conversation with a person that I've been blogging about a lot lately. I really care about him, and the fact that I have proof that he cares about me is nice. Throughout the course of our conversation I felt uneasy. It was so strange that someone was trying to fix things with me. Usually after a fight I just never talk to a person again because they don't care enough to make things right. At one point, he jokingly apologized that he had put me in a situation where I had to deal with someone caring enough to make things work. I realized that I have issues, but I have friends that are willing to work with me. This was a really nice ending to a day when I needed a pick-me-up.

The way things are, and the way I wish things were

It appears that most, if not all, the men in my life leave me. We're tight, and close and everything until they move, or until something happens. Whether it's drugs or emotional battery or whatever, something always happens. But when it comes right down to it, it's my fault. They hurt me and I push them away to try and make things easier for myself. I've been rejected by guys I loved, by guys that were like my brother, and by guys that I actually thought I meant something to. And none of them want hardly anything to do with me anymore. So why is it the one guy that still has me all wound up wants me around, sorta. There is no reason that I should still be attached to him, but I am. He didn't want to work for what we might have had and broke things off with lame excuses. But he's around. I hate that I still care about him. I hate that I can't be the cold hearted b*tch that would make everything easier. And most of all I hate that I completely believed him when he said that he cared about me too much to not be in my life at all anymore. I was mostly over this. I was done with these feelings and they were in a little pocket deep inside my tummy where I wouldn't have to think about them anymore. However, that was before my questionable drunken talk with this guy. I hated talking to him, but I couldn't make myself stop. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, and I drank it all in. That was a week ago. We had made plans to talk about it, and to really work things out, and it never happened. And now I'm stuck with this hurt again. With this 'does he actually care about me' hurt. And it's so hard to live with this and not be able to tell any of my friends. I can't tell them that I still care, and that he is still able to hurt me. I can't tell them that this is like the breakup all over again. I can't tell them it feels as though I swallowed a tiny knife, and if I lay still enough and don't breathe it doesn't hurt. But add in the tiniest movement and it hurts all over again. What is it about this guy that has me so messed up!? What's wrong with the way my brain is functioning right now!?

Lovely Love.

Today is the day that we all love, the day that we all hate, and even the day we all love to hate. It's Valentine's Day. I've been pretty back and forth about how I've felt about this day for years. Some years I love it, most years I hate it, but this year I've finally stuck to an opinion on the subject. I love it. I absolutely love it. I love love. It can fill a heart with so much joy that you think it's going to burst. The best part about love is that it is completely unconscious. No one chooses who to love, no one can just stop loving, and no one can make love happen.

The pity about Valentine's Day is that everyone overlooks all the other types of love that there are. There is love between friends. There's love between families. There's even an unspoken love for the loved ones of the ones you love. And it may make me sound like a hippie, but there's even love between people because we're all humans and we're all in a tough fight.

Love isn't even always about that gooey feeling that you get when you like somebody. Or even the warm fuzzies. It's that feeling of wholeness deep within your being that makes everything in life better. Love is what makes us get up in the morning and what helps us sleep at night. Life is nothing without love. You would be nothing without love. I would be nothing without love.

Finally for some happy!

I feel as though all of my posts lately have been depressing or at the very least sad in nature. But there is something completely different about today. Today was the day that I realized that my spirit is like a cartoon trampoline. Let me elaborate. Remember in cartoons when tons of stuff gets piled unto a trampoline, and it gets so heavy and stretched that the bottom of it touches the ground? Then all the sudden it just sling shots back up and catapults everything back into the air? That's what I'm feeling right now. My trampoline spirit has flung everything back into the air that has been bogging me down for weeks. I'm so glad that I no longer have to deal with people who bring me down. I've done what's best for me. I rid myself of a toxic person and I haven't felt better in a while. I'm lighter. I'm freer. I'm back to being me. I really did miss me.

What I'm tired of.

There are so many angry and hurt thoughts bouncing around in my head that I feel like I can't even make complete sentences, so I'm not even going to try.

I'm tired of...

High school drama
Stupid boys
Letting people affect my opinion of myself
Having people in my life that I can't stand and can't get away from
My friends continuing to love a person that is a total jerk
People not considering my feelings
Jerks who think that they're helping when they know they're only hurting
Feeling like I'm not enough to keep people around
Getting hurt
Staying hurt
Not knowing what to do
Being here

I'm so done.

This is... life?

I've learned something about myself today (won't it ever end!?). It seems that I keep my problems to myself. This seems counter-intuitive seeing as I'm a young lady with a blog. However, I must be the oddest type of bird because I won't share the information I do with all of cyberspace with some of my best friends. Today however, I broke down. In the middle of class. I started crying and had to leave the room and go outside (it was snowing, mind you). I hadn't realized how messed up my life had gotten until I was telling my friends while crying in the girl's bathroom. My aunt is dying and I just can't handle it. My mom had to have major surgery and I was all alone to deal with the whole situation. I'm feeling so overwhelmed with school, and work, and my finances. And on top of all of that, I've had to deal with my ex and all this piddly-din-kin drama here, and I just can't do it anymore. And even though me and my ex had a good talk today about why things have been strange between us and why I'm mad at him, I feel no better about my situation. True, things should be less strained between us which will make our other friendships easier, but that doesn't just make everything better. I just can't handle my life. Can it be over now?

The things that school can do

I've always liked being in school to help me forget about any of the other stresses that are going on in my life. However, this time it feels like I'm using it as an escape. My aunt is sick and I've been burying myself in homework so that I don't feel bad or scared. I've been using being busy as an excuse to not call my mom who just had surgery last week. And while my ex is being a bunch of expletives that I won't use here, I've stayed home most of the day reading and doing homework just so I don't have to think about the jerk. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was better than this. It seems that I am the true definition of a nerd, I'm using school as a refuge from my personal life.

When does this feeling stop?

Lately I've been feeling helpless. Maybe it's because my aunt is dying. Maybe it's because we just had a cancer scare with my mom. Maybe it's the mounting schoold debt and the increasing feeling that I'm not doing anything with my life. But I just feel like I've been treading water and now my legs and arms are getting so tired I can hardly keep my nose above the water. I just want to know where this feeling is coming from, and how I can make it stop before my legs stop moving.

New Year. New Discoveries. New Post.

Over the past week or two I've figured out a few things about myself that I'm not particularly sure that I like. One of these I figured out after I had had a very life-like dream. I have a certain friend. Let's call him Darkness. Now, Darkness and I have known each other since I was a freshman in high school, so that's about seven years. I've had an intense crush on him for at least most of that time. In my dream the two of us were finally going to date rather than just use each other like we normally do. Because of the way my dream self reacted to the situation I finally realized how I've been doing this same thing to lots of my guy friends. There have always been certain male friends in my life that I have used to make me feel better when I'm down. While making people feel better is a usual part of friendship this isn't exactly how I've gone about this. I know certain guys will tell me things, and I only talk to them when I've been spurned by another guy. I use them to show me that guys can care about me. It's all about a self-esteem boost. Realizing this has made me feel terrible about the relationships I've had with friends like Darkness and many others.
I've also noticed how I deal with heartbreak. Sweetums hurt me, and rather than getting upset or trying to deal with how I was feeling, I've just transferred how I feel about him to another guy. Essentially, I no longer really want to be with him, but now I have an unbearably strong urge to be with somebody else. It feels like I've fixed the problem, but really I've just created a new one. The worst part about guy #2 is that he has an on-again-off-again girlfriend and he isn't even sure we'll be living in the same state come next semester. And I may have made a huge mistake with him. It seems that becoming an adult just makes things so much more complicated. I'm not even sure that I like who's looking back from the mirror right now. She's not really the girl I thought she was.