How in the world to I attract this type of people?

Remember the guy friend I used to have that I haven't talked to in four years who showed me a track mark? Well, even if you don't, I've just reminded you about him. Randomly he text me today. Is there something about me that screams 'I'd love to hear about all your drug problems!' or 'Please, please, please break my heart by continuing your bad behavior after I've given you so many freaking chances!'? I'm tired of people not understanding why I hate drugs and why I can't stand people who do them. I loved this friend of mine so much, and he just used that love I had for him to break my heart. It's strange that the pain is still there, and even after all these years it's still fresh. Now he has the nerve to tell me that he's "mostly sober". WTF! There's no such thing as being mostly sober. Sobriety in itself is the practice of not drinking, doing drugs, etc. I can't handle his bull anymore. He still smokes pot, which is ridiculous. He's adamant that pot isn't a gateway drug, when it got him into cocain, heroin, and severe drinking. And more than anything, I'm so mad that I let myself get upset at him still and that I still actually care about him. I have too much love to give to people who deserve it than to waste it on people like him who continually hurt me. So then the big question is, why do I continue to love those who are toxic for my heart?

Drain.

So, it seems that my folks are having some financial troubles. Which, in a way, I feel is my fault. I mean, I'm the one who needs almost $200 a month in medicine, and had crazy expensive heart tests done this summer, just to have nothing wrong with it. I just feel like a drain on my family. I feel like they could have the things they want, and be better off if they didn't have to take care of me. It breaks my heart to know that because I'm broken, I've made my family broke. And it drives me nuts because no one else gets what I mean. The first four months after I was diagnosed my parents spent almost $8,000 just on me and all my tests. They certainly didn't have the money for another kid, and they certainly don't have the money to help raise a sicky. I just hate what I've done to them, without even trying. Oh well, I guess I have more pressing issues than my health, so back to the back of my subconsious this all goes!

Oh Mylanta

So there's this boy... we've referred to him as Banana Boy before, so let's go with that. Today was Thanksgiving with my family. I absolutely love how crazy we all are and how much we all just mesh together. But, back to the boy. The entire day I was just wishing that he was here to meet my family and enjoy the craziness that I come from. Then it hit me, BOOM! I love this kid. Oh boy. This just made things complicated. Now I don't mean that I'm in love with him, but that I do love him. We're so close and that's what's awesomely terrifying about our friendship. I feel like I need him. Like, I want him to always be there for me, because I need that kind of stability in my life. However, at the same time, I have a great infatuation with the boy. I think about him all the time, and more than anything else, I just want to hold his hand. (As completely corny as that saounds.) I think I might be in a mess of trouble with this one, and I'm pretty excited about that. :)

My thoughts on self

So in my world religions class we've been learning about Buddhaism. From what I understand, they believe that the only way to exit the karmic cycle that forces one to continually be reborn is to realize that there is no self. There is no God, no self, and everything you know is only there because you mistakenly believe that it is there. Almost sounds like the Matrix, right? That's besides the point. How pointless does the life you live seem if you have no self or no soul. I've left that class depressed everytime we've talked about it. However, religion isn't my reason for writing this. Lately I've been thinking, what constitutes what I would call my self? I'd have to say that it is, in essence, a combination of my personality, my thoughts, my wishes, my desires, and my faith. And I guess that's all well and good, but what am I without all that? Am I, are we, just empty blank human beings? Or would we be more like robots, with no independent thoughts or aspirations? And if there really is no self, than what is the point in living at all? In order to feel like I matter, I need to believe that I have a purpose here, and that no one else is exactly like me. Whether or not my belief is true, I have faith that I do matter, and that I do have a self. Believe whatever you want, this is what makes me happy, and I won't compromise that.

Men.

You'd think relationships with men would be easier than women. They don't thrive on drama, they tell you exactly why they're mad, and their sense of humor is easier to tap into. However, it's recently dawned on me that I don't have very good relationships with the guys in my life. As long as we keep them superficial, everything goes great, it's the minute things get real that the proverbial spaghetti hits the fan. I'm not super close with my dad, and all the other male members of my family, with the exception of my brother, live far away. But it's really the guy friends I've had in my life that really have messed up my ideas about men. I was friends with this guy since we were in the second grade. Then one day out of the blue, he showed me a heroin track scar and laughed about it. I haven't spoken to him since then, and that was about four years ago. Any time I get a very close guy friend, he either leaves me or I put way more into the relationship than I get back. Now, I've made a new friend, let's call him Banana Boy. I haven't known him very long, but we're already super close. I'm really afraid that he's going to leave like the rest of them; however, he seems completely different. It's mostly that I've never met another guy that is so easy to open up to, and I feel like he really knows me and understands me for who I am. That's the scariest part of all, what if he really sees me for who I am, and hates me for what he sees. Then I opened up my heart to some kid who played with it, then stomped it into the mud. I guess I just need to have the faith that he won't be like a lot of the other men in my life and leave me with an open sore wound where my heart used to be. But where in this big world am I supposed to find that kind of faith in a man?

Memories can come up and bite you in the tuchis

It's almost ridiculous the things that can trigger memories in your brain. Today I was just watching tv, when a Hallmark commercial came on. It was actually for one of the cutest things I've ever seen. There were two little girls who opened a book, and then their grandmother's voice started reading the story to them. The commercial ended with her voice saying 'I love you girls'. I completely lost control of my tear ducts. I cried almost as hard as when I heard that my grandpa had died. It hit me just then that I'm starting to lose my memory of how he sounded. It breaks my heart that I can hardly hear him say he loves me in my head anymore. Then it occured to me that I can't remember how my grandmother's voice sounded anymore. And I can hardly hear Ms. Vi tell me 'Merry Christmas' anymore, and that was always the way I wanted to remember her because it was her favorite holiday. And I can only see Tim's smile when I see old pictures of him. Mostly it breaks my heart that the memory of people who are so precious to me were intrusted to something as faliable as my very human brain. I'm completely astonished that I can remember some of the worst moments in my entire life, but I can't remember the simple things about some of the best people that have ever been in my life. I guess the human brain is funny like that, but I still remember the little things about them that made them so special. The way my grandma always smelled like peppermint, and how she believed that they could cure everything from a headache to a stomache ache. The way that Vi was always filled with spunk and had a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. My grandpa's undying stubbornness and never ending love for his family. I guess that it's those things that'll keep in my memory. It's just utter craziness that one little commercial could trudge up all those memories. Oh goodness brain, when will you leave me be and not make me cry over silly things that bring up sad memories?