Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A letter to my comfort zone

Dear Comfort Zone,

You suck, a lot. You hold me back and make me second guess myself. However, I enjoy your company so much that I rarely leave you, and instantly once I do, I feel out-of-place. How dare you take away my adventurous side when it comes to my professional life. I don't mind getting away from you when it comes to friends or various things in my personal life, but when I'm trying to work you're crushing me! And then, because I'm uncomfortable I get sarcastic to hide what I'm really feeling. I hate that I allow you to make me into an unbearable person to be around. You're so aggravating! I can't stand you anymore! I wish you'd just back off and leave me to feel more comfortable in a wider range of places. So, after all these happy years we've spent together, I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you. We'll hopefully be seeing a LOT less of each other, because honestly I can't stand the sight of your face. And feel free to stop by when I'm not home to come and get all your crap out of my life. So, I guess this is goodbye, so bye.

Absolutely no love,
Andrea

Monday, January 25, 2010

Please excuse the following rant

If you're at all like me, you've been watching Lifetime, when nothing better is on tv, and have heard about the movie The Pregnancy Pact. I was intrigued by the commercials, so last night I settled in to watch a movie about teenage pregnancy. Quickly, I was drawn into the story about a high school with 18 pregnant teens. However, the ignorant parents of these teens infuriated me beyond all reason. They refused to talk to their kids about how to prevent pregnancy if they chose to have sex, and they shamed their kids into being to scared to purchase condoms. As unfortunate as it is, kids younger and younger are becoming sexually active and they are not taking the steps needed to protect themselves. I've written two different papers on this subject that have led me to the same conclusion: kids need sexual education where they are taught about how to prevent pregnancy and STD's. Through writing these papers I've found some very disturbing facts: kids are more likely to become pregnant or contract an STD if they are given abstinence only sex ed, and the average age for kids starting to engage in oral sex is 12! Unless we start getting some better education out there for kids we're going to have an entire generation of kids who are either pregnant or have STDs. Something absolutely has to be done or else kids are going to keep completely changing the course of their lives for one night of fun, and in my opinion that's a tragedy.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Instant hope

I love the unexpected. Tonight I got an e-mail from the leader of my support group for my skin disorder. She instructed all of us to talk to our doctors and become part of a study. The National Institute of Health has given a docter in Texas $6 million to do genetic research on my disease. It gives me hope for the future that others won't have to deal with what I have. And it makes me smile to know that there is enough care and concern for people who have my disease that they would even study it at all. It warms my heart and makes me smile. I have great hope for a future where joints are easy to use, and lungs breath a lot easier.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Snow

It's funny how just a few hours can change your outlook on things. About a half hour after my last post I got a text from a friend that I assumed to be in Seattle. She told me that she would be in town in about an hour. My stomach was instantly filled with tons of butterflies that were so excited to see my friend that I hadn't seen since last summer. We spent time together walking in the snow and trading stories from high school and just loving each other's company. On my way home after parting with my friends I had a little bit of a walk all by myself. I watched the snow fall so lightly through the air, and listened to the absolute silence that had dropped over my world. I could clearly hear my feet shuffling through the new white snow, even the cars that passed didn't make a sound. This quiet was so refreshing, not killing me as it did earlier that day. It was the same, but completely different in so many ways. In that quiet moment, I found myself smiling for no reason at all. And just because of that, I know I'm moving out of my rut.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Quiet

I've been finding myself with lots of quiet time to be alone with my thoughts. More appropriately I'd say I was forced into being with my thoughts. Unfortunately my thoughts have been so all over the place that I can't even settle with a single topic for my blog. It just feels like everything is so up-in-the-air that I'm left without anything to stand on. I don't feel like I'm falling, it's more like being stuck. At the heart of it, I think I'm in a rut. Which, if I am in a rut, is the lamest thing I can think of. I mean, I've only been back up at school for two weeks and I already feel the need to bust out of this b*tch? Grr! But the only reason that I can come up with for being so restless these past few days is because I need a change. So I guess the best question is what do I need to change? Do I just need less quiet in my life so I don't think about bizarre things like this, or do I need to get out of the proverbial 'house' more? All I know is I'm tired of all this quiet. At first, it was nice to just sit back and relax, but now that I just had a full month of that in Phoenix, I'm ready to spend more time with my friends and do some crazy stuff. No matter what it is, I need to get it figured out quick and get it done, before all this quiet drives me absolutely crazy!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Love Never Fails

At one point in time, I believe this saying was true. But sadly, I really don't believe in it's truth in this day and age. My love has failed people. When it hurts me more than it helps me, I've taken back my love from people who probably needed it. And in the same respect, people have taken love away from me when I've needed it. I feel like we live in a day-and-age where divorce is more common than marriage, and people are constantly being abused physically and emotionally by the ones they love. I guess when it comes right down to it though, love doesn't ever fail, it's people who fail. People who can't commit to loving someone who needs them, people who take advantage of the many chances they've been given and continue to disappoint, and people who plain just like to feel love so they take advantage of the love given to them by innocent people. But I'm not bitter about any of those at all... anyway... so love is an emotion, and it can't be blamed for the ridiculous things people do in it's name. It's like God being held responsible for the wack-a-doos out there blowing themselves up in His name, not fair to the Big Man or His reputation. Then it seems that the saying is true, love doesn't ever fail, it's the humans who use it who fail. Now I don't feel like such a dork for still believing in love. It needs someone to treat it right just as badly as I do.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

An Aha Moment from God

So I've been looking for moments of grace in my life. You know, the little moments when something that seems so insignificant happens and it makes you feel at peace, that's grace. Well, this week I had to visit the doctor yet again, and while sitting in her office something 'graceful' happened. There were only two copies of the same magazine inside her office. With no other option I picked up 'Arthritis Today', or something like that. The cover story was about dealing with the body image issues that go along with your diagnosis. I've been having a lot of issues with my body image ever since I was diagnosed with morphea. If the article in itself wasn't enough of a 'graceful' moment, the author of the article quoted a prayer that I've said in my darkest moments to bring the light. You may have heard of it, it's called the Serenity Prayer and it goes a little like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It article went on to say that you should focus on the things you love about yourself rather than dwell on what you see yourself as physically. And it even suggested posting a note by your bed or on your mirror saying that people love you for who you are not what you look like or what you can do. My moment of grace was continued today during church. We sang one of my all time favorite songs, 'You are Mine'. The ultimate message behind it is that God will love you, and will take away all your pain, and He'll bring you home. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that it makes me cry every time I hear it. I've found a deep peace inside that I can physically feel, and I know that it's God calming my heart and telling me that everything will work out okay.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

It seems I'm a glutton for punishment

So, I've let Stupid back into my life. It seems like I want to let him hurt me again. As a friend told me, I could do so much better than him. But, I don't feel the need to do any better. I'm okay with settling for a guy that left me high and dry for another girl, and didn't even bother to tell me that he found someone better. I think I'm just so lonely that a guy who treats me like I'm not good enough is better than nothing. I can't stand that I'm so passive about this when I know deep down I deserve someone who at least gives a crap about me. Eh, I leave to head back up to school in less than a week and this should all end there. At least, I hope it does.