Ah, Christmas.

A wonderfully happy time of wrapping paper, bows, cards, warm thoughts, kind words, and in some way, magic. As a child, I would wake up long before dawn with my brother, and we'd go out to the tree to inspect what boxes the infamous man in red had brought us. Then we'd go back to bed until our parents got up so we could see if our guesses were correct. Maybe it's the realization of the impossibility of a single man delivering presents to every kid on earth with the help of animals that don't exist, or the fact that as I've grown I've come to find that the world isn't such a nice place, but the holiday has lost some of it's magic. It's so moving to think about a God who loves us so much that he sent part of himself to die to save us long before we were even a thought, but the great capacity for goodness that this season used to hold seems to have been lost this year. Now, maybe it's the fact that it's a melancholy holiday this year, or maybe it's the fact that I've let myself become bogged down with my problems, but all the sparkle was gone. This is the first Christmas without my grandpa, and Christmas always reminds me of the woman that I saw as my grandmother who died three years ago. I worked around my house up until this morning, and I had so much to do at church last night that by the end, I didn't even want Christmas to come. I didn't feel like humankind loved each other this year, it didn't even seem like my family cared to be together. Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I know that we're a loving family, but it just didn't feel right this time around. At the same time, I feel like laughing at the ridiculousness I experienced today. You see, I received a pair of pink footed pajamas, and of course, I put them on. I sat on the couch covered in soft, fuzzy fleece and that should've felt like Christmas. A warm fuzzy feeling that you can't always explain, but that you know is there. However, I felt empty. I feel like I'm missing out on strong personal connections with people I'm not related to. I miss the people that I used to be so close to, and have since pushed away, or have not commited to staying close. No matter how hard I've tried to realize why I can't make myself leave my house, I've come up with no answers. So now it's time to throw away the torn paper, wrap up the left over food, return to our homes and settle in for the night. Tonight say a special prayer, please, for me? Just pray for the magic to return, because no age is too old to find a little magic in everyday life.

I'm fighting a losing battle

Today I balanced my checkbook. I'm now completely terrified and so lost. I have an amount in my account that is so low it's embarrassing to say it. I have no job, even though I'm home from school and could easily have one. However, it's impossible to find a place that is willing to hire you for a month knowing that you'll leave. This is the worst strain I've ever felt from money. I have no way to buy books for next semester. I can't even afford to put freakin gas in my car to get back to Flagstaff! My school has sucked my bank account completely dry, and I can't make myself admit to my parents that I'm completely and utterly broke. Even if I could admit to them that I need financial help, they can't give me any because they don't have any money either. I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a dry well, and there's absolutely no way to climb out.

My brother

I love him. So very much. He's taught me so much about being who you are without giving a damn about what anyone else thinks. I owe a big part of who I am to him. He's been there for me any and every time I've needed him. Luckily for me, he always knows exactly what to say to make me laugh and he has a knack for saying exactly what I need to hear. And for years I've wanted a girl to love him the way that I do, but with a romantic twist. It seem he's found her. He loves to spend time with her and gushes when he talks about her. This puts such a giant smile on my face. I knew that someone else had to understand how wonderful he is. My heart is happier than it's been in a very long time, and there's no reason to feel bad about that.

Dr. Phil is a moron.

If you know me at all, you should know that I absolutely despise Dr. Phil. He has people on his show who are willing to let the entire world in on their problems, and than he gives them the crappiest advice ever. Has anyone actually ever been helped by this bumbling idiot?

Case in point: Last night, there was a woman on his show who had extreme body image issues. She saved her brother from a house fire when she was 14 and was burned over 60% of her body as a result of her courage. She was so brave telling the world that she felt as though she'd never "be normal again" and that she looked in the mirror and "felt like a freak". My heart goes out to her because I know what she means. As little as I like to admit it, I hate the way I look because of my disease. The only time I really feel pretty is when I wear a long sleeved shirt and long jeans. I love my personality, and I think that inside I'm a beautiful person. But it's the outside that breaks my heart. It's stuck in my head that I don't look normal, and that's completely true, but I feel like I'm not normal and there's no way for me ever to be 'normal'. I'm embarrassed for the guys I've dated. When I was with my last boyfriend, I wouldn't let him hold my 'little hand' because I felt bad that people had to see us together.

Dr. Phil said to this woman, who had deep emotional scars and really needed help to get over them, that she "needed to be her own best friend". He didn't even explain to her what he meant by that. However, he said it at least four times. Then her time was up and he booted her off the show. I'd like to send a giant "screw you" to Dr. Phil for not even helping the one person that I've seen who actually needs the help of a psychiatrist. Way to go, jerk face.

Family

My family is strange. All of us. My moms brothers are so freakin ridiculous I can hardly imagine that they are actually fully functioning members of society. More than anything else, we are all so completely sarcastic that if you took everything we said seriously you'd probably hate us. But no matter what anyone says about any of us, we're together. No one could seperate us and no matter how others judge us, we have each other.

Now, I mention all of this because I feel like most of the people I know don't really understand my family until they meet them. They are funny, crude, obnoxious, rude, and love to have fun, and if you can't hang with them then you won't appreciate them.

The funny part of all this is, that I wouldn't have them any other way. My mom, my brother, and I all decorated our Christmas tree today, and my brother and I just gave my mom crap the entire time. But we were all laughing, and after we were done, there were tiny hugs exchanged and we all went back to our own tasks. There is so much love, and so much enjoyment of each other's company between us that I couldn't imagine my family being any other way.

Sometimes people misunderstand the way I show love for them. If I make fun of you, I love you. If I call you names, I need you in my life. And if I fight with you, it means I want to make a difference in your life. These are things that I've learned from living with this completely disfunctional, yet completely loving family of mine. There's the insight to my love. So, think back on how we interact, do I love you?

Moving on

To put it incredibly simply, Banana Boy is dense. I told him twice that I liked him, yet he didn't get what I meant until I spelled it out for him. Needless to say, he doesn't feel the same. It's funny, but I kinda don't feel deterred at all. Like, I need him enough in my life that it doesn't bother me at all, because at least he's still there. However, it makes me even more scared that I told him all this personal stuff and that he's just going to leave me in the dust and take my secrets with him. I feel completely ridiculous for how little I trust guys to be my friends, but when it comes to relationships I give them my heart without thinking twice. Mostly though, I hate that I trust him so much when he's around, but when I'm by myself I feel like I can't believe him. Worse than that, I can't tell him that I'm completely scared that he's going to hurt me like most of my other guy friends. Why can't people just treat me the way I deserve to be treated, than I won't have all this second guessing crap going on in my head?

Openmindedness

I have decided that I love people. I'm watching a show on TLC about a transgendered couple who are having a baby. This by itself made me a very happy panda. The fact that a big television company would document something that is as controversial this this subject is is truly inspiring. On top of that, this couple has a midwife that is between 40 and 50. She was interviewed by herself and she just treated the whole thing as though it was no big deal. However, she did mention that this was the first time that she'd ever helped a man have a baby. She even referred to him as a man. Then they interviewed the wife's mother and she said that she used to have a beautiful son, and now she had an even more beautiful daughter. It was so amazing to hear that people are becoming so accepting of people that they know and love or of people that they hardly know. It gives me great hope for our society and for where we are going with our respect for other human beings on this earth.