Monday, September 24, 2012

Too much to think about

I've had too much to think about lately. I can't stop thinking about Tye Dye and all I want to tell him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss texting him when I see an actor he would know in something else. I miss him being in my life. I miss being able to tell him about all the things that scare me. This point was really driven home today when my cousin reminded my that my great uncle has been dead for a whole year. I'm still afraid of him. I still hate him. It makes no sense, but even seeing someone who looks like him makes my skin crawl. No one really understood this until I met Tye Dye. And now I feel like I'm fighting this demon alone again. It seems so strange. I keep myself together at work, and I laugh and have a good time there. But as soon as I'm alone in my car I cry and can't keep myself together. I miss him so much my heart is still breaking. I just can't believe that he thought this would be better for me in the long run.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I am lost

I feel completely and utterly lost. I lost my best friend. I lost my nerdy partner in crime. I lost my support system. I lost Tye Dye. I can't even believe it. We were together for almost a year and a half. He told me to start planning the wedding, and we even had the name of our first daughter picked out. So what went so wrong. It's weird, I go to work and I feel like I have it together, but then I go anywhere alone and I fall apart. I cry, I talk to myself, I'm so out of sorts. It doesn't seem fair that with all that disease has taken away from me, that it should take him too. He wasn't at all the man I fell in love with anymore, but I understood that it wasn't really him. And now he won't let me be there for him anymore. And according to a chest x-ray I had this summer, my skin disease might have become systemic. It's a double blow really. He was always behind me and helped me not to worry about my disease, and now I don't know how to feel. I don't know if he'll want to know how things continue to work out with my health. I don't know if he'll go back to self destructive tendencies to help cope with his depression. I don't know if he'll want me back if and when he gets help and gets himself back to normal. So many things left unsaid. So many things that shouldn't have been said. So many things left undone. So many painful, heart wrenching memories. I just don't know how long I can keep this all together.

At Bible study this week we talked about the worst times in our lives, and how God saw them as great moments in out relationship because he got to hold us so tightly and remind us that he is here for us. If that is truly the case, God clearly can not get enough of holding me tight, because I've had some really rough times in the last few years. It doesn't seem fair that I've had so many things go wrong in my very young life.