A weight has been lifted...

So completely unlike myself, I told Cutie Face how I feel about him. The funny thing is, he said he knew, but I guess you could've seen that one coming. He doesn't return my feelings, but, everything is good, we're going to stay friends, and since he already knew nothing is going to be awkward. This is a giant weight off my shoulders since I was really worried that our friendship was going to be wierd from this point on. And it's amusing, I knew that he didn't have feelings for me, but I still needed to tell him for me. I need to work on being open about my inner most feelings. Obviously this blog is a way that I'm opening up to people who I might never even meet, so that's a step in the right direction. I even told Cutie Face that it was more for my benefit than his, and he told me that I had balls for telling him at all. Leaving this encounter, I had a smile on my face. I was able to tell him exactly what I needed to, and in his true fashion he was totally cool about it. He didn't make me feel awkward, and he just told me exactly how he felt, and now we're both getting over the encounter. Cutie Face gave me confidence even in shooting me down. It's this ability to find the light in the proverbial darkness that makes each day a learning experience. And I can't wait to see what tomorrow has to teach me.

Why do I do this?

I'm so tired of letting others change my perception of myself. Constantly someone can say something and make me feel like I'm not good enough. This often hurts the most when I'm very close to this person. I know who I am, and 99% of the time I know that I'm good enough, but it's that 1% that is bothering me tonight. I just feel like I'm not good enough for a guy, or my friends, or even for the career I want. It's these low moments that make me miss my family the most. My mom would sit with me on the couch, and listen to me for as long as I needed her to. My brother would listen, then do something stupid to make me laugh. And my dad would just inspire me because he's such a rock for the family. But here I am, away at school, feeling alone and not good enough. I almost feel silly saying how much I need them. I mean, I'm almost 20 years old for goodness sake. But it's just I feel I need them most when I'm feeling down, which I have been feeling for a couple days. I just hate that I do this to myself. I'm not feeling too hot, then something happens that upsets me, and then I'm right here, feeling gross and not good enough. Then I stay in a gross funk for a few days until I just snap out of it and get over myself.


But then I admit to my friend, Cricket, that I'm unhappy, and I tell her why I'm unhappy. Then because she's amazing, she understands how I feel and makes me feel better. I could easily thank God everyday for friends like her. I love you honey, and thank you for putting a smile back on my face. :)

Serendipity...

So, completely out of the blue yesterday, a guy I haven't seen since 8th grade found me on facebook. Then we started talking, and we talked until almost 1 am. The amazing part of all of this is that we hardly even spoke to each other when we went to school together. We talked more yesterday then we ever had before. And this got me thinking about missed connections and things like fate.

What if everyone has already met or been in the same room as the person they are meant to be with forever? Like if that one time you were in Louisiana (or any other state besides the one you live it) you shared an elevator with the man (or woman) that you will eventually marry. If someone was watching your life like a movie, they would know about this chance meeting that never happened, but you'd have no idea. Recently I watched the movie Serendipity for the first time. Watching those meant-to-be lovers keep missing each other broke my heart. They had no idea how close they were to each other, luckily it all worked out in the end. What if God, or whatever deity you believe in, is watching us live our lives in the same way. It's breaking his heart because our tunnel vision is so severe that we don't notice the person that is completely perfect for us, and there's nothing He can do but sit back and watch. So, just for my own benefit of thought, I'm going to keep my eyes open to the people around me, and I will try to notice each and every one, and I'll let you know what comes of it. Wish me luck!

The little things that make me smile

Recently I've discovered the best site ever, givesmehope.com. As I was reading the stories about all the older couples being so in love it brought more than a few tears to my eyes. These stories reminded me of this summer when my grandpa died. We were cleaning out drawers in the house and I couldn't even bring myself to look at his recliner because he'd never sit in it again. Later that day, my mom was going through the drawers in his bedroom, and what she found still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. In his drawers were two large wooden boxes full of my grandmother's jewelry. She died in 2002, and none of us knew that he had this. And in another drawer we found another wooden box that said 'Our Wedding Day' on it. Inside the box was his boutonniere, a program, and pictures from my uncle's wedding, who was his last child to get married.

This might just seem like nothing to those of you who never had the wonderful privilege to meet my grandpa. He was one of the best men I've met in my entire life. He worked hard at a cattle feed lot his entire life, and had to move his family a couple of times in order for him to continue to have a job. He had six children and for several years all 8 of them lived in a two bedroom duplex. He has 15 grandchildren and one great granddaughter. He knew us all personally and always believed that we could be anything we've ever wanted to be. He's had between 7 and 9 heart attacks and in the early 90's they told him he only had a few years to live. This man gives me the greatest hope for my own life because he lived for 10 years with only 25% of his heart working. He took at least 7 of us fishing every summer, even though that meant he couldn't fish because we were all so needy. On the outside, no one would've ever thought this man could love so many so very much, but he loved us all.

While cleaning out his basement, I found a picture of the two of us laying on the floor in his living room when I was about two or three. This picture is currently framed on the wall in my dorm room. He loved with all of his big heart. He died seven years and three days after his beloved wife. This wonderful man, and the amazing life he led is what gives me hope. I miss him everyday, but I know he's happy because he's with my grandma again.

You'll be remembered, loved, and missed Everett Ball, better known as Grandpa. <3

Through true sadness can we find utter joy

Sometimes I'm surprised by how much events from my past, can still effect me in the present. When I was growing up, my mom needed to go back to work, so my dad's aunt babysat for my brother and I for the first 12 years of my life. I got really close with her three kids since I spent everyday with them. Around the time I was in junior high, we noticed that something was wrong with my cousin Concierge*. He had rich friends his entire life, and since they had money, they could get their hands on drugs. He ended up with a heroin problem, and he stole from his mother, his sister, and his brother. I haven't seen him in almost six years, and I'll probably never see him again. I was talking to some very close girl friends last night, and I told them this story. Tears welled in my eyes, without any real details and even after so much time had passed. This really showed me how much of who I am has been shaped by my past and especially by my family. I think this is the kind of thing that has led me to believe the way I do about people. Even though Concierge truly hurt me, and that the wounds he caused continue to hurt, I still believe the best in people, and I still truly love him because he is my family. My heart is open to a world that has the great potential to crush me. As a very good friend put it today, 'You don't do anything half-assed. You are completely into loving those who are around you.' I'm truly happy with those that I love because my heart has seen so much sadness. In a sense, I don't think that anyone could really appreciate being happy unless they had seen how bad things can get. I miss Concierge very much, and I hate that I'll probably never get to meet his toddler daughter. But this has taught me to really appreciate the people in my life, because I never know when and if they'll walk out of my life.



*This term is french for caretaker. I felt it was appropriate since he helped raise me. I'm sticking to the idea that this blog was all my idea, so it's my choice to share details about my life with you, however, since others don't have this same say I'll give them all aliases.

In order to understand me

I realize that you know almost nothing about me. And without actually meeting me, you have no idea about who I am except for the information that I tell you. It is the goal of this blog to truly express myself, with minimal buffers and with very little kept secret. As one of my theater professors put it most eloquently, 'You will find parts of yourself that you don't like, maybe that you even hate. But once you accept yourself exactly the way you are, you'll be able to just sit on the grass, stare at the clouds, and be absolutely content.' So, to find my inner peace I have to acknowledge every facet of my personality. Here's just a sample of some of the things I'm not exactly proud of, but that make me who I am:

I'm loud, obnoxious, rude, crude, I cuss like a sailor, I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy, I'm not exactly graceful, I judge people (I just don't say it out loud), I hide things from people, I lie, I have a fiery temper, I can hold a mean grudge, I put myself down, I make fun of others, and I can be a real b!*%h.

I think I actually wrote all this down more for my benefit than for yours. My professor was right, I feel lighter now that I've just realized and owned up to my failings. I'm only human, I have many pieces of my personality that I don't like, or that I'm not proud of, but that doesn't mean that I don't absolutely love the person who I am. I love me, regardless of my failures.

So there's this boy...

Since love and happiness usually go hand in hand, it's only natural that I tell you about my love life. I'm amazed that I usually develop feelings for a guy at a speed that I don't even realize it until all at once it smacks me in the face. This happened today while I was talking with my roommate. I've dreamt about a certain guy two nights in a row, and when I wake up I've been smiling.

The purpose of this blog isn't to tell people I have feelings for them, so we'll call this dream man Cutie Face. Now, Cutie Face has currently been dealing with some lady drama, and we've been talking about his troubles. I thought I just had a crush on Cutie Face, but it wasn't until today when I realized how much I wish my dreams had been real. I have deep feelings for him.

Cutie Face, if you happen to read this, I think I love you. You were the one who said you'd rather have someone tell you, and since I'm a chicken when it comes to expressing my true heart feelings, this is the best I can do for right now.

What's goin' on!

So I've decided to set up a blog in the hopes that I can really find out something insightful about myself as a person. I'm a big believer in the idea that our whole lives are about finding out who we are as human beings. No two people are the same, and yet we can actually get along with one another. So far I know a lot about myself:

I will never stop believing in love
I have to laugh everyday
I'm easily amused (so that helps with the laughter thing)
My personality is sometimes overwhelming
I'm funny
I love things that would interest little boys, ie: dinosaurs, captian planet, superheroes, etc.
I'm confident and insecure at the same time
I'm book smart, but not usually street smart
I'm a super huge klutz
I have strange habits
I have real fears

That's just a little bit that I've discovered about myself, but I don't want to give away too much all at once. But before I leave this blog to be sent through cyberspace, I have one final thing to tell you. I believe in true happiness. The kind that leaves a smile on your face before you fall asleep and that makes you feel like you're walking on clouds. So welcome aboard my happiness boat, feel free to ask almost anything you want. This is mostly my journey, but unlike the cruise lines, I welcome stowaways.