The way things are, and the way I wish things were

It appears that most, if not all, the men in my life leave me. We're tight, and close and everything until they move, or until something happens. Whether it's drugs or emotional battery or whatever, something always happens. But when it comes right down to it, it's my fault. They hurt me and I push them away to try and make things easier for myself. I've been rejected by guys I loved, by guys that were like my brother, and by guys that I actually thought I meant something to. And none of them want hardly anything to do with me anymore. So why is it the one guy that still has me all wound up wants me around, sorta. There is no reason that I should still be attached to him, but I am. He didn't want to work for what we might have had and broke things off with lame excuses. But he's around. I hate that I still care about him. I hate that I can't be the cold hearted b*tch that would make everything easier. And most of all I hate that I completely believed him when he said that he cared about me too much to not be in my life at all anymore. I was mostly over this. I was done with these feelings and they were in a little pocket deep inside my tummy where I wouldn't have to think about them anymore. However, that was before my questionable drunken talk with this guy. I hated talking to him, but I couldn't make myself stop. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, and I drank it all in. That was a week ago. We had made plans to talk about it, and to really work things out, and it never happened. And now I'm stuck with this hurt again. With this 'does he actually care about me' hurt. And it's so hard to live with this and not be able to tell any of my friends. I can't tell them that I still care, and that he is still able to hurt me. I can't tell them that this is like the breakup all over again. I can't tell them it feels as though I swallowed a tiny knife, and if I lay still enough and don't breathe it doesn't hurt. But add in the tiniest movement and it hurts all over again. What is it about this guy that has me so messed up!? What's wrong with the way my brain is functioning right now!?

Lovely Love.

Today is the day that we all love, the day that we all hate, and even the day we all love to hate. It's Valentine's Day. I've been pretty back and forth about how I've felt about this day for years. Some years I love it, most years I hate it, but this year I've finally stuck to an opinion on the subject. I love it. I absolutely love it. I love love. It can fill a heart with so much joy that you think it's going to burst. The best part about love is that it is completely unconscious. No one chooses who to love, no one can just stop loving, and no one can make love happen.

The pity about Valentine's Day is that everyone overlooks all the other types of love that there are. There is love between friends. There's love between families. There's even an unspoken love for the loved ones of the ones you love. And it may make me sound like a hippie, but there's even love between people because we're all humans and we're all in a tough fight.

Love isn't even always about that gooey feeling that you get when you like somebody. Or even the warm fuzzies. It's that feeling of wholeness deep within your being that makes everything in life better. Love is what makes us get up in the morning and what helps us sleep at night. Life is nothing without love. You would be nothing without love. I would be nothing without love.

Finally for some happy!

I feel as though all of my posts lately have been depressing or at the very least sad in nature. But there is something completely different about today. Today was the day that I realized that my spirit is like a cartoon trampoline. Let me elaborate. Remember in cartoons when tons of stuff gets piled unto a trampoline, and it gets so heavy and stretched that the bottom of it touches the ground? Then all the sudden it just sling shots back up and catapults everything back into the air? That's what I'm feeling right now. My trampoline spirit has flung everything back into the air that has been bogging me down for weeks. I'm so glad that I no longer have to deal with people who bring me down. I've done what's best for me. I rid myself of a toxic person and I haven't felt better in a while. I'm lighter. I'm freer. I'm back to being me. I really did miss me.

What I'm tired of.

There are so many angry and hurt thoughts bouncing around in my head that I feel like I can't even make complete sentences, so I'm not even going to try.

I'm tired of...

High school drama
Stupid boys
Letting people affect my opinion of myself
Having people in my life that I can't stand and can't get away from
My friends continuing to love a person that is a total jerk
People not considering my feelings
Jerks who think that they're helping when they know they're only hurting
Feeling like I'm not enough to keep people around
Getting hurt
Staying hurt
Not knowing what to do
Being here

I'm so done.