Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I hate the me I once was

I ran across a cd today. On it were pictures and typed out text conversations from when I was "with" Stupid. He called me things like babe and sugar and darling, and it utterly disgusted me to read these and know that I completely believed him at the time. I hate who I was back then. I was pathetic and needy. I wanted so badly for him to care about me that I allowed myself to act in cheap and tawdry ways. I'm ashamed of who I was and the things I did just a short time ago to try and buy someone's love. It hurt me so badly to refresh those memories that I instantly text my boyfriend to tell him how much I love him and how I'll never be able to thank him enough for loving me just the way I am. I'm a lucky gal to have found him, I just wish I hadn't sold myself so short in the past. But I'm living, I'm learning, and I'm moving on with my life.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I'm a lost cause

I can't handle distance from the one I love. Granted, it's only about 100 miles and I usually get to see him on the weekends, it's still so hard to watch him drive away. I hated standing on my driveway and watching his minivan turn the corner and drive out of sight. It breaks my heart to think that he was just here and now he's left. I'm such a mess when I'm in love :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

When you know something is wrong

So I've known something isn't right for a long time now. When things are right, people don't twitch, so I should have known this all along. But denile is a powerful card in my hand. I can go on for long periods of time simply not accepting the truth or where this will end up. But my card has been played and I have to accept the facts. There could be something wrong with my brain. When you tell a doctor about a big one directional twitch that you've developed and her eyes get as big as saucers, there's obviously something wrong. Now I'll probably end up seeing a neurologist over Christmas break. I could easily handle when there was something wrong with my stomach, and it's not bad dealing with problems in my joints. Heart problems didn't even really get to me. But the fact that there could be something wrong with my brain is absolutely and completely 100% terrifying. What's going to happen if there is something wrong? How will I handle that? What if I'm just not strong enough to handle this?