Fear of Loss

Fear is an incredible thing. It makes people do things outside of their comfort zones, it makes people do absolutely nothing at all, and it keeps people living at all. I've used fear as a motivator for the last few years of my life. It makes me take every chance I can, so that I don't wonder what could have been. It makes me appreciate every day that I have because it could be the last. But fear is too general. The fear of loss is such an intense form of fear that it can make someone do almost anything. Because of the people I've lost, I've changed the way I interact with the world. I've lost people to cancer, so I'll never smoke to cut down my chances. I've seen people loose their ability to function from drugs, so I'll never touch them. I'm afraid of loosing my life, so I take my medicine to keep myself healthy. What are you so afraid of losing that it motivates you? Simply by knowing what motivates you, it can change everything.

Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy

Sometimes the thoughts in my head truly scare me. The other night I was watching Celebrity Rehab, and they were talking about people who use drugs to medicate themselves. It was scary where my mind went after that. My family on both sides have very addictive personalities. Some are addicted to food, others to drugs, and even others to making bad decisions. Then I thought about all the pain that I've been dealing with lately. My back is constantly in pain no matter what I've done that day. I considered how easy it would be to get ahold of drugs on my college campus and try to numb the pain I've been fighting. This almost literally broke my heart. I couldn't imagine how far I'd fallen to even consider such a terrible thing. I'd completely ruin the amazing life I enjoy right now if I even tried to medicate myself. I'm not sure how to make it up to myself that I even considered doing such a terrible thing to my body. But I have to come up with a way soon, because I feel so guilty about it.

Today was a happiness day

It all started with my classes, they were pretty good. Then I was walking through the union when I saw Luke and I got this wierd feeling in my stomach. I feel bad about the way I've been treating him for the past few months. To catch you up, I told him that I needed space to figure out how I felt about him. Needless to say, I didn't recieve the needed space. So, I got overwhelmed and dropped him like a hot potato. And since then I've been avoiding him, which is difficult because he lives in my building and because his cousin is my next door neighbor. I knew I had felt bad about doing this to a very nice guy, but I didn't realize how bad until today. So I waited for him to catch up with me and I gave him a heartfelt apology for the way I'd treated him. If felt so good to get something that bad off my chest. Then later, my good friend, Catchphrase came over and we went to a NO H8 photo shoot. It was a photo shoot for the equality of gays and lesbians, and it just made me feel good to participate in something that has such a great message. AND Project Runway is on tonight, so this has just been a wonderful day. I hope it's been good for you too.

I'm in love with Philosophy

Today we were discussing Plato's Apology in which Socrates is defending himself in a court of law. This led to a discussion of the "greatest things". Collectively we decided that these were the biggest and most pressing unanswerable questions facing us. And that all led me to wonder, what's the most pressing question in my exsistence? I'd like to say that it's something about my future, or where I'm going after this life, or something to do with love. But it's so much more selfish than that. I'd have to say that it would either be 'what was the purpose behind me getting sick', or 'do people actually care about me'. At the same time, I wonder if we don't have the answers to life's biggest questions because we couldn't handle the answers. I mean, what would I do if I asked if people really care about me and I was told no? Or if I asked why did I get sick, and I'm told there's no reason, I just felt like giving you crap to deal with. It's human nature to constantly question the universe, but I don't think it's actually important for us to know the answers. Life is difficult enough without dwelling on the answers we'll never get. But it is nice every once in a while to just let your mind wander and think about all the things you've ever wanted to know about anything and everything. Just make sure to leave bread crumbs because it's no good to get lost in philosophy when your real life is passing you by.

Ourselves vs. Others

How come it is so very easy for us to tell when someone else isn't fulfilling their full potential? You know, everyone has that friend that is so talented, but it working a terrible job where their talents are wasted. Or that friend that dates so far beneath them that it almost makes you sick.

I have a cousin who I've looked up to my entire life because she was such a strong female role model for me. She's been working dead-end jobs her whole life, and hasn't been taking good care of herself for the past several years. She smokes and hasn't tried to get a better job. I hate seeing her at Christmas and Thanksgiving because she just looks a little worse each time I see her. It breaks my heart knowing that such a strong woman has been chewed up by the world and has been spit out a mere shell of her former self. She deserves so much more from her life than she's getting, and she just doesn't see it.

And I have this friend, let's call him Big Red, that is a great guy. Well, we were at a dance this weekend and he was all over a particular girl. She's nice and everything, but she's just not good enough for him. Maybe he's settling, or maybe he's just lonely, but it doesn't seem fair to sell yourself so short.

All this brings me to the 'vs. ourselves' part. We constantly as human beings sell ourselves short. We tell ourselves, "We don't deserve someone as good as them", or "I don't deserve that promotion at work", or even "I don't deserve to have a job simply because it makes me happy". Screw all that! You as an individual deserve anything and everything that you are willing to work for. At the same time, I have to laugh quietly to myself because I can't take my own advice. I settle, I feel worthless at times, I even try to tell myself that I deserve so little so that I feel better about what I have. What is so different about seeing things in others and seeing things within yourself? You say things to yourself that if a friend told you the same thing you'd berate them for being so down on themselves. There is a double standard that we put in place between us and those that we care about. I can only ask why don't we care enough about ourselves to break down the double standard and work for what we deserve?