God's Smallest Miracles

I have to preface this post with this will either be one of the sweetest things you've ever heard... or you will judge me relentlessly for it. And either way, I don't care. This was one of those sweet moments that don't come around all that often anymore. I was in the store, shopping with my mom. We were waiting at the checkout when we found all kinds of giant, sparkly rings. As girls often do, we were trying them on just for fun. All of the sudden, it occurred to me that these rings stretched, and I slipped one over my knuckle on my left middle finger. I looked at my mom and tears filled my eyes. To get everyone up to speed, my left middle finger is so bent I was sure a ring would have to be an oval to ever fit me. I had to try so hard not to start crying in the store. It was one of those beautiful, wonderful, changing, perfect moments that don't often come around in life these days. It felt like a tiny tap on the shoulder from God just to say, I'm still here, and I love you. I'm not sure if anyone else will feel the same or does feel the same, but that's not important. It was a nice little before Christmas miracle that really boosted me up after a difficult semester and renewed my hope. It truly is the little things that matter the most.

Should I be mad or not?

Am I still under the control, or at least the supervision, of my ex? I feel like because he is the one that dumped me, I'm a free agent now. I can do as I please without worrying about how he feels about it. Yet, I apparently upset him because a drunk guy hit on me after we went to karaoke on friday night. I did not want this drunk guy's attention. I felt incredibly awkward, and I literally ran away from him. In what way was this situation my fault? Does he have any right to even be upset at the situation? He was the one who dumped me. I fully understand that he would be upset if we were together, or even if I had dumped him. But the situation is that in my opinion, he has no right to even be upset at the situation. He could have not had this happen by staying with me, and because we're no longer together he has no right to judge my choices or even those who find me attractive. I'm glad that we're still friends, and that we can still hang out and talk without things being awkward, but if he continues to be this immature about this situation I might have to cut all my ties with him.

How did this happen?

When did I finally grow up? At what point was I in my life that I got over the crazy little girl feelings I had continued to feel until college? Within the last week, I was dumped, and yet now I'm over the situation. It didn't last long enough to stay mad at him, and it would have made stuff wierd for our friends. But we're fine now. We talk, we've hung out, and we're still relatively close. The strangest part is that I still want to be physical with him. Our relationship didn't really last long enough for me to miss being his girlfriend exactly, but I do miss being so close to him. It really bothers me I guess because I can't decide whether it really happened or not. We were together for such a short period it feels like I almost imagined the whole thing. But I'm amazed that I am so over my 'heart break'. I was able to move on with my life really quickly and I'm in a much better place now. It feels really grown up that my world didn't completely fall apart when he broke up with me. I'm not exactly sure how I grew up and left a lot of my annoying little girl self behind, but it is so very nice, and it feels great!

Well that's gross

My experiment has come to a close. We broke up today. And as wierd as it sounds, I'm not mad anymore. But I am very hurt. It seems that he just stopped caring about me. And while that hurts so badly, I can't be mad at him. He was completely honest with me. He never attempted to be something he wasn't, and for the short time we were together he accepted me exactly the way I am. I don't want to never speak to him again. I don't want my friends to leave him or even be mad at him because that isn't fair. And I don't want our department, or anyone for that matter to have a negative view of him because he is a very good guy. I hope that soon I'll be able to work with him and not feel bad, be I will truly miss him as a friend if we can't get along. Now is the time for prayer. For healing, for strength, and for a rekindled friendship with Sweetums.