Can loneliness spawn independence?

As you know, I've been very lonely this summer. It doesn't really help that I keep seeing pictures from the great times my friends are having, and that I haven't been invited along, but I digress. I normally hate doing tasks outside of my living quarters by myself. Ask anyone close to me and I've probably invited them to run errands with me, and I'll always take a friend places if I'm free for the afternoon. Lately, I've broken away from that because I can now go run my errands by myself without feelng anxious about being alone. Because I'm getting getting pretty used to being alone, I've even considered going to a movie by myself. And up until now, this freedom seemed really liberating. No longer do I have to wait to do things because the other person can't. No more can I use the excuse "I wanted to see that movie, but couldn't find anyone to go with me". However, the more I think about it the more I lose my confidence in my ability to actually go through with it. Every time I think about going to lunch and eating an entire meal by myself, or sitting in a theater with no one beside me other than a bucket of popcorn a tiny piece of me dies. I realize that is incredibly overdramatic, but that's just who I am. So I feel better in knowing that I am able to run errands and do tasks without needing someone with me. But the fact that I have so few people in my life that want to spend time with me that I'd actually consider seeing a movie by myself is even more depressing than spending days at a time by myself.

Home

Home, it's where the heart is, but it's also somewhere that you can never go back to. It seems as though these are two ideas that are completely at odds with each other. At bible study this evening we watched a video and discussed the idea of names. I know this seems a bit off topic, but bear with me for a little bit. So we were talking about how you have to truly accept who you are and that in biblical times your name was your identity. This led to talk about how we compare ourselves to others and constantly look outside ourselves to fix problems that we have with who we are. Somehow, all this talk about giving in to who you are to bring yourself peace gave way to discussion of home. (Told you I'd get back to my point.) I'm the youngest in our bible study group by about ten years and thus all the other women either have children, and even grandchildren. It feels like the older you get the more you find out who you are and that acceptance comes with time. During our discussion I started to think about where my heart is and where my home is. Are these locations the same? Do I agree with the old cliches or have I written some of my own? I am starting to feel like I'm simply visiting the house that I lived in for my entire life before college. I have so few friends left here that either have time for me or that remember to include me in everyday activities, that I'm alone most days. Mostly, I want to go back to Flagstaff because people know me there, people have time for me there, and I feel like I'm cared about there. It's not that my family doesn't love me, they do and I love them dearly. But with my brother having a girlfriend, he's never home. My parents have day jobs and I have a night job, so I hardly even see them. So most of my time is spent milling about the house, doing nothing in particular, and counting the days until I move back up north. It feels I'm staying in an incredibly familiar hotel, where there are pictures of me and my family on the walls, and all my things are here, but I don't know anyone in town. Flag feels like my home. I mean, I have a job, I have a place to live, I have friends, I have school, everything but my family and my church is there. I feel like I'm starting the lose who I am, because I spend all my time alone so what's the use of being an individual? This place is no longer home, and I miss having people around so much that it's become a physical ache in my body. At this point in time, I'm not even sure I can stand another month and a half away from people who want to spend time with me. Thank goodness I have Baby, my old roommate, and Stupid, the sort of man in my life, or I'd have gone crazy already. I need people in my life, and I'm not getting them here. If the saying 'home is where the heart is' is right then my home is in Flagstaff, but if the saying 'you can't go home' is correct the Phoenix is my home. Right now I feel like a nomad and I can't wait until I go back to Flag.

Upon further inspection

Summers are supposed to be absolutely great. The sun is warm, there are beaches to go to, friends are home, and there's no school. And every year I approach the summer like a person who's been stranded approaches water. Extrememly excited, but slightly hesitant. I mean, what if it's just a mirage? Then I wasted that effort and have nothing to show for it. But it's really there, and it's exciting. But about a week into my summer vacations I always realize the same thing. I don't have many friends who are willing to spend time with me in Phoenix anymore, my brother has better things to do then hang out with his little sister, work doesn't give me enough hours, and I'm so incredibly lonely I swear I can taste it. I think that's why, year after year, I keep secretly hoping for that summer romance to come along and give some spice to my boring, lonely life. That's the stand-by way of thinking. "If I had someone else in my life, then everything would be perfect." I'm comig to the realization that that ideal is bullsh*t. I mean, another person always complicates things, because now it's not just my life, it's how do our lives work together.



Through some great advice from a friend of mine, I've given some further inspection to my "relationship" with the guy in my last update. I'll admit that I started the whole thing up because I had been burned by another guy and I wanted to feel worthwhile in the dating scene. But now that I've gotten to know him all over again, the fact that we're keeping things really casual is getting difficult for me. I do truly care about him, and I want to know that he cares about me. I'd like to be with him, but I feel like there's no chance of him wanting to be serious so I'm trying to keep my distance. But it's getting more and more difficult. I don't feel like you should kiss someone on the top of the head or call them things like 'sugar' and 'babe' if it's just for fun, right? So whether or not he's trying to, I'm getting crazy mixed signals. At this point, I know what I want, so it's up to him to figure out what he wants. Don't hold your breath, but I'm sure I'll figure out what he wants from me soon enough.