Home

Home, it's where the heart is, but it's also somewhere that you can never go back to. It seems as though these are two ideas that are completely at odds with each other. At bible study this evening we watched a video and discussed the idea of names. I know this seems a bit off topic, but bear with me for a little bit. So we were talking about how you have to truly accept who you are and that in biblical times your name was your identity. This led to talk about how we compare ourselves to others and constantly look outside ourselves to fix problems that we have with who we are. Somehow, all this talk about giving in to who you are to bring yourself peace gave way to discussion of home. (Told you I'd get back to my point.) I'm the youngest in our bible study group by about ten years and thus all the other women either have children, and even grandchildren. It feels like the older you get the more you find out who you are and that acceptance comes with time. During our discussion I started to think about where my heart is and where my home is. Are these locations the same? Do I agree with the old cliches or have I written some of my own? I am starting to feel like I'm simply visiting the house that I lived in for my entire life before college. I have so few friends left here that either have time for me or that remember to include me in everyday activities, that I'm alone most days. Mostly, I want to go back to Flagstaff because people know me there, people have time for me there, and I feel like I'm cared about there. It's not that my family doesn't love me, they do and I love them dearly. But with my brother having a girlfriend, he's never home. My parents have day jobs and I have a night job, so I hardly even see them. So most of my time is spent milling about the house, doing nothing in particular, and counting the days until I move back up north. It feels I'm staying in an incredibly familiar hotel, where there are pictures of me and my family on the walls, and all my things are here, but I don't know anyone in town. Flag feels like my home. I mean, I have a job, I have a place to live, I have friends, I have school, everything but my family and my church is there. I feel like I'm starting the lose who I am, because I spend all my time alone so what's the use of being an individual? This place is no longer home, and I miss having people around so much that it's become a physical ache in my body. At this point in time, I'm not even sure I can stand another month and a half away from people who want to spend time with me. Thank goodness I have Baby, my old roommate, and Stupid, the sort of man in my life, or I'd have gone crazy already. I need people in my life, and I'm not getting them here. If the saying 'home is where the heart is' is right then my home is in Flagstaff, but if the saying 'you can't go home' is correct the Phoenix is my home. Right now I feel like a nomad and I can't wait until I go back to Flag.