Acceptance

"Only when we accept the full and honest truth about ourselves can we really sleep."

Perhaps this is why I haven't slept well in months. Until today, I had yet to admit to my part in Tye Dye and I'd break up. I ignored him. When his depression was the worst and he would reach out to me and try to talk to me, I didn't want to hear it. I sometimes would even physically walk away when he would talk about it. I hate that I treated him this way. Somehow I felt that if I simply ignored it, that it would go away. And eventually he stopped talking to me about it. I thought that meant that things were going better, but he had just stopped coming to me about it. I turned a blind eye on a man I love because I was not equipped to handle the things he was going through. And it was completely unfair to him, he respected me for dealing with my disease. He wasn't with me in spite of my disease, or because of it. He accepted it as part of who I am. And I didn't have the common decency to treat him with the same respect. I did not realize the depths of depression until we broke up. I didn't admit to how awful he could feel. I'm the only one to blame for this short coming. I could spew some crap about my stinted childhood, but the blame game never made anyone a better person. I screwed up. I failed. I failed him. I failed myself. And I failed the 'us' that used to be. Maybe now that he called me out on this subject, and I've admitted my fault perhaps we'll have a chance. I didn't want to admit that we would never had a chance until I admitted this to myself. I probably would have never admitted it if Tye Dye wouldn't have flat out told me. I think I miss his honesty the most. He always tried to make me at least be honest with myself. Even if we never make it back together, I now know all kinds of things about myself that I downright do not like, maybe that I even hate. But at least when I'm actually honest with myself I will be able to sleep?

Because I feel like I should

I've continued trying to date. Not because I want to, because I feel like it is expected of me. I feel like four months out of a break up one is supposed to be committed to trying to find another life mate. But it doesn't feel right. I made a mess of a situation with this guy. He's nice and everything, and I do like him, but I hate myself more for how I feel I've treated him. He has no idea that I'm still in love with my ex, or that I'm still harboring ideas of marrying him eventually. We've been on a couple dates, and he kissed me, but it felt like I was cheating on Tye Dye. I cried and debated the whole way home about whether or not to tell Tye Dye, but decided no because what would that actually accomplish? I don't want to be lonely and unhappy anymore, but everything I feel like I should be trying to do is making things worse. And this might sound absolutely silly, but I feel like I've been getting signs from God. Maybe you call it the universe but you know what I'm talking about. It seems like every time I'm in the car I hear a song about waiting for love or struggling with love through the bad times. It is true that these songs are incredibly popular right now which explains them being overplayed right now, but they very obviously change the way I feel. The first time I heard 'I won't give up' I felt this overwhelming peace and understanding. I can't imagine that this is just a coincidence, I feel like it was a sign that if I can be strong enough we'll be together again someday. Perhaps I'm just delusional, or perhaps it's true but either way it is helping me with everything that's happened.