I Hate My Face

I have an obsession, and it's called MTV's TrueLife. It is so great. You get a really in-depth look at someone's personal life and how they deal with a certain issue in their life. However, the episode that I'm currently watching has me so upset that I can hardly make coherent sentences. I've learned about two very pretty girls who hate their faces. This is far beyond normal female insecurities. One girl literally called her mother to ask her if she was born deformed. What the hell is wrong with you!? She was out with her boyfriend and she said that she felt like he would leave her because she was so ugly. The very next day she was chewing him out and threatening to leave him. For goodness sake! He obviously loves you or he wouldn't be with your stupid butt. Then she saw a therapist and she said that it would be too hard to try and fix her self confidence. She decided to get a nose job instead of seeing a therapist. She's going to fix her nose and if she still feels ugly then she'll possibly see the therapist. Goodness gracious woman! Be a freakin adult and face the face that something is wrong in your brain and nothing is wrong with your face. And honestly, if you're not going to try to get some help then I would love it if you would just shut up. You are beautiful, and you have a man that absolutely loves you just the way you are, so you must be doing something right. Either grow up and realize that you have a problem that someone is willing to help you with or just cram it because I can't stand listening to you whine! The other girl, is engaged and she refuses to get married until she gets plastic surgery. She's gorgeous and her fiance' tells her that she's beautiful all the time. She even works as a model! I don't understand that! If you really hate the way you look so much then why in the heck are you showing off by modeling! You're just a freakin idiot! I truly just don't understand people who don't accept the body that God gave you. He made you exactly how He wanted you, and that makes you beautiful. You are a beauty, so stop acting like a 13 year old girl and grow up.

Useless Musings

So, occasionally I like to think about impossible things. I sometimes refer to these 'what ifs' as the result of my musing time. Usually these impossible thoughts come from days like today, where I did almost nothing and was by myself the whole day so I had plenty of time to think. I've firmly decided that if I could take back the last ten years of my life, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is not a statement that I've regretted the last ten years of my life, it's just my way of saying that if I could be a perpetual ten year old I would. I know that you're probably thinking, 'but isn't that a giant leap backward, and I thought you were so proud of the person you are', and don't get me wrong, I've thought about it. I am proud of who I am, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't give up the life I have now to re-embrace the carefree ten year old I once was. I decided upon ten because I feel like that's when I had to start facing the world as the harsh place I've found it to be. Ten was before I experienced death for the first time with my grandmother, ten was before my cousin moved in and threatened to tear my family apart, it was before I realized how little my dad's mother cared about me, it was before I found out about death, disease, and drugs. At the same time, I believe that if everyone was given the chance to pick a simpler age to spend the rest of their life at, we'd have most of the population under the age of thirteen. Maybe it's just because I'm looking back on it, but I do truly miss the pressure-less existence that I experienced as a kid. Luckily, I don't think that there will ever be a time when we can just stop ourselves at a certain age, and even then the harsh world would still find us. I guess the trick is to just not look back, because then you increase your chances of getting hit in the face with something in the present. See the ridiculous things I think about when I'm left to my own devices? Just another day of useless musings.

A Contradictory Creature

Lately I've been feeling like there's two seperate people inside my body. Almost like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of situation. Some days I can't stand people in general and I absolutely need to be alone. Other days, like right now, I feel like I need people because I'm so painfully lonely. And I can't seem to make up my mind about anything. This semester is going to be over in less than three weeks, and part of me is so excited because I'm ready for a break, and part of me is wishing that the semester would keep going because I have nothing lined up for my summer yet. It's my fault that I don't even have a job yet for summer, because I let my professor destroy my confidence and didn't even apply for an internship. On top of that, I just can't seem to make a clear decision on anything, even if it's completely unimportant. It seems beyond me to even decide what to eat for lunch. It makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me? If I can't make decisions now, what's it going to be like when I actually have to make difficult decisions? I used to be able to hear what my heart was telling me to do under all the other noise of what my mind was telling me to do, and what other people were telling me what to do. Now I can't hear it. Did my heart catch laringitis, or have I been not paying attention to it long enough that it quit giving me advice? Is this why I can't make a decision, or is this why there's two different girls fighting inside my brain? I wish I could just figure out why there is so much conflict within myself. Is there conflict within everyone and it just seems like mine is overwhelming? But more important than any of my other questions, how do I bite the bullet and let everything work itself out when I'm not even happy where I'm at anymore?

What will I do without philosophy?

I absolutely love my philosophy class, and I have no idea what I'm going to do without this class next semester. Today we were discussing Karl Marx's ideas about alienated labor. In his opinion, we hate our jobs because we can't express oursleves through them, and so we express ourselves through the things we buy instead. And I couldn't help but think how blessed I am that I am studying for a career that lets me express myself and that I'm completely in love with. I may not ever make any money, but I will always have something that I love to do. It's nice that my class that has nothing to do with theater, keeps reinforcing my decision to be a theater major. Any questions that I had about my choice keep disappearing. I'm glad that everything for my future is just starting to gel together. Now I really can't wait to get my life started.

The Loss of Innocence

I've lost my innocence, and I mean that in the most innocent of ways. It feels like everything that has to do with my life is so completely complex and confusing, when just a few short years ago everything was simple. As a little kid, I was worried about who I was going to play with at recess and what I wanted for lunch. Now I'm worried about my finances, my health, my family dynamic, you name it and it probably worries me. I guess I'm making carefree synonymous with innocence, but I think they go hand in hand. My innocence didn't get ripped out of my grasp really quick, it slipped so slowly through my fingers that I didn't even realize what was happening. Then it hit me all at once that it was gone. The ridiculous things about my life are just standard now. I've had family go to jail. I've had friends that have spent time in jail. I have friends with drug problems. Good friends have died. Things I never thought would ever happen to me are just part of my daily life now, and it bothers me how I've come to so easily accept them. Now I'm left asking myself: is this just part of growing up, or is the world going to hell and we're along for the ride?

Growing up or growing old?

It seems to me that everyone my age is speeding towards this idea of 'adulthood' so fast that they aren't even enjoying how things are right now. Don't get me wrong, I like being considered an 'adult', but I also love just being a college student. In the end, it comes down to me. I don't have to take care of anyone else, and I'm completely free to make decisions that are best for me. If I was married, I'd have to think about what's best for us. It'd be even worse if I had a baby. Then it wouldn't even be about me and my husband, it'd be about my husband and baby. Would I even finish college if I had a kid? It just doesn't make sense to me that people would rush into all the responsibilities of life this early. Spouses and kids make things so much more complicated. College should be a time to pick what you want to do for the rest of your life and continue growing into the person you're meant to be. Yet, it seems everyone I know is either married, engaged, pregnant, has a baby, or at the very least is in a serious relationship. Is it so terrible and backward that I'm perfectly happy being single? Yes, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with when I've had a crummy day, and I'd like to have someone in my life, but that's not my priority right now. I'm worried about me, and I won't let anyone make me feel less because I decided to take care of my needs first, and let the family stuff come later. In no way am I ready for marriage right now anyway. I might be growing up still, but there's no need for me to hurry up and get married and get working on growing old.