tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82316614830964003492024-02-20T16:57:54.183-08:00My Journey To Real HappinessA young lady's journey to find love, health, happiness, and God in the most unexpected places.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.comBlogger120125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-34536854060224419942014-02-22T20:37:00.001-08:002014-02-22T20:37:14.311-08:00Something I have never done in my lifeI am embarking on a journey that it seems like I should have started long ago: I am dating. Now this seems weird at my age. But I'm not just dating, I'm trying online dating. For the last month, I have been a member of a popular and free dating website, because I frankly don't meet many available men through m job or in my limited free time. At first I was ashamed of trolling the internet looking for a mate, but I have since come to terms with it. It actually is a really great way to talk to new people and meet prospective men. But what makes it so exciting is that I never have truly dated before. I have been on a hand full of first dates in my life, and rarely if at all a second date. This is not to say that all my relationships were 'failures to launch'. The few men I have dated to the serious point of calling them my boyfriend have been from my circle of friends. In these situations, we'd go on a date, decide to be exclusive and there we'd be. Recently though, at the ripe old age of 23 I had the first second date I can remember going on and the very first third date of my life. He's sweet and kind, but there is no hurry or rush, and we really don't know each other very well. And this week coming up I'm going to have another blind date. It is very interesting to note the changes in the way my thinking has changed regarding this 'dating' business. It is totally unimportant to jump headlong into things and for things to get super serious at once. And as long as everyone is honest, it is okay to go on dates with different men and the same time. For the first time in my life I feel incredibly confident in my commodity as a desirable partner. I should have tried this ages ago.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-49714736618503719582014-01-05T18:53:00.001-08:002014-01-05T18:53:20.610-08:00LabelsToday I've been musing over the labels given to us by society and by ourselves. Sometimes a label is helpful in defining who we are, or why we are they way that we are. However, everyone is familiar with the way that labels can hinder our growth or make us see ourselves in a negative fashion. A pastor in my life today gave a sermon in which she defined herself by labels of both a helpful and hurtful nature. I thought the exercise would be an interesting thing to try, so here we go!<br />
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I am a single, straight, white, female in her early twenties. I am disabled. I am the product of a middle class, white privileged family. I am also the product of a liberal yet traditionally valued mother and a conservative but loving father. I have held a job for most of my life starting near the age of eight, and I have had success holding these jobs for long periods of time. I am well educated and a hard worker. I am part of the tattooed population. I am considered an artist by some and talented by others. I am in debt. I am not a home owner. I am too young to be called experienced, but too old for college phases of exuberance. I am an ally. I am also a Christian. Recently I've found out that I am a cat lover. I'm a best friend, and an aunt by heart. I'm a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece. I'm a volunteer. I'm an ex-fiancee. Some might even call me a survivor. But truly only two labels in my entire life truly matter: I am a child of God, and I am love.<br />
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Hmm, that was pretty fun. :)Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-900681870243445542014-01-01T20:07:00.001-08:002014-01-01T20:07:59.506-08:00Yet another year beginsIt seems that the general attitude towards New Years Eve/Day is that last year was awful and so everyone is excited to begin a new one. I usually have this same idea, but this year is so very different. 2013 was a great year for me. I became more comfortable with myself and all my faults. I feel like I give less thoughts and worries to things that are beyond my reach of change. I have made some amazing friends, and reconnected with old friends. Many beautiful days were mine to be had. My choir has become my family. I have a great home that is all mine. I have faults, but all in all I am a beautiful and loving person. And I have finally gotten to a place where I can say I love me, and if you don't that's fine but please be nowhere near me. It's only taken 23 years to get here, but I really dig the view.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-844551700625688872013-09-17T22:25:00.000-07:002013-09-17T22:25:18.287-07:00My thoughts on Miss RepresentationI'm in this women's Bible study group with my church, and for the past two weeks we've been watching a documentary called Miss Representation. This is all about how women are viewed through the media and what effect this has on women. I planned to write last week on it, but I was simply too angry to make a reasonable post. Now I feel like I've had sufficient time to cool down and I'm able to write and get myself all upset all over again. :)<br />
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Week 1 The Media and Body Image<br />
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The title itself will explain why I was so upset. This segment was an in-depth look at how the media makes women feel as though they are not measuring up to these invisible standards. Through computer enhanced images of naturally beautiful, women hold themselves in comparison to other women who literally do no exist. It also touched on the fact that women are often very hard on other women.<br />
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Week 2 Women in Leadership<br />
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Women in politics or on television are constantly barraged by men and women in other forms of media. If it isn't about their clothes, it's about their hair, or did they or did they not get a boob job. This is an awful mistreatment of women who have important things to say about important issues. Women are either sexualized for being pretty and feminine or they are described as the battle ax woman who crushes men and is constantly being a bitch.<br />
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This has led me to think about the differences these ideas create in our society. They are basically setting relationships up to fail. According to this documentary the message that women are getting from the media is, "You have to look like Miss America, have sex like Samantha from <i>Sex in the City</i>, and think like June Cleaver". Women have movies about women, that are seen as for women with powerful lead characters. <i>Thelma and Louise</i> and <i>A League of Their Own </i>are both mentioned in this documentary. Media such as this gives women a positive outlook on themselves as multidimensional human beings. However, in movies that are geared towards men, women are simply hot bodies wearing skimpy clothes and have one dimensional characters. To an extent, this even extends into the 'nerd mainstream culture'. Batgirl, and Supergirl are simply female versions of their male counterparts. Wonder Woman was designed after the dominatrix mistress of the original cartoonist. Even in the latest <i>Avengers</i> movie, Black Widow is hardly in the film, yet she is sexualized when she does appear. How are women and men supposed to make meaningful relationships together when both sexes are taught to see women and sexual objects that are less than their male counterparts. <br />
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These two weeks of study have led me to think a lot about how I grew up in this media drenched society and how I continue to work in the world I live in. As you may or may not be aware, I have a skin disease that alters my appearance. I was diagnosed when I was the most susceptible to the media. I went through my middle teenage years believing that I was worth less than my 'normal' female peers. I was taught by the boys I knew that I was less, and that my disease was something that would hinder me from meaningful relationships with men. I was told that why would anyone want to bother with me when I was deformed. Repeatedly I was shamed by my male peers to try and get me to sleep with them. Later in life, I became a novelty. Guys wanted to take me out because I was different. It had nothing to do with me. This degraded me to the subject of locker room talk. To them, I wasn't a full and meaningful person, I was a small disfigured hand for sexual favors. Neither of these versions of me had anything to do with me as a person, but they both had everything to do with the ideas put out in the world by the media.<br />
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I was not, and technically am not, the ideal media friendly version of beautiful. And that's crap. It's not just women who have to deal with this either. Men who are not the ideal form of 'classically handsome' are written off. Men and women are being written off as less because of how they look on the outside. In this system, who actually wins? It certainly isn't the beautiful people, because beauty fades. It isn't the young, because age does catch up with you. It isn't the ugly, or the less than perfect, or the people with physical differences. It isn't men, and it isn't women. So why do we continue to buy in to this idea where everyone loses? It's hard enough to find who you are without all this pressure to be something that you have so little actual control over. One high school girl in this documentary got it exactly right, "When will it be enough?"Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-3888779425832549092013-08-19T22:59:00.003-07:002013-08-19T22:59:51.670-07:00And today makes nineNine years. Nine very long years. Today is the anniversary of my diagnosis with linear morphea. This certainly has been a year for change. For the first time in my life I met another person with a localized form of scleroderma. She is a lovely lady, and we bonded over our years post diagnosis. For the first time, I had another person who totally understood where I was coming from with my insecurities. She has coup de sabre, which is a form of scleroderma on the face. Her attitude about life and her looks is amazing. She really has an incredible grip on the whole thing. I really admire her. This got me to thinking, if this is how people see me. I mean, you have to cope no matter what, so why not make the best of it? But do other people see my dealing as a thing to admire? She is flourishing. It just makes a person wonder. And I also met someone who had met another someone with morphea. It was interesting to not be so unique to him. As soon as I said it, he said, 'oh yeah, I knew someone with that when I was in my twenties'. I liked not being so special for something I can't help. It's kind of amazing. Next year it will be an entire decade since I found out about my disease. And this was the year that so many things changed in my life. Pretty cool I'd sayAwesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-6357674224817167932013-06-26T21:01:00.000-07:002013-06-26T21:01:19.296-07:00I guess it's about time for some semi-profound thoughtsI guess I really haven't been feeling so introspective lately, which is why I haven't written since April. But also, not a lot has happened. I moved to Tulsa for the summer. And this has led me to call this the 'Summer of Insight'. I'm working for a company that I don't intend on returning to. I like most of the people I work with, but the company overall has some communication issues that drive me bonkers. And I'm living in this sort of limbo because I know that I'm getting my job at home back, but now I don't have an apartment so it will be a mad dash to get one when I get back. But more than just that I'm kind of dreading seeing <i>Tye Dye</i> again. I haven't seen him since October, and I haven't spoken to him since March. However, now that I'm mostly over being super pissed off that he forgot my birthday, I'm kinda missing him again. I feel like that just can't be healthy at this point in the game. We're going on a year of being broken up here, but this damn wound seems to refuse to heal. More than any of this that has me kind of nervous, I'm upset with myself. I have realized that I've become a bitter person. Before I feel like I was delightfully cynical with a dark sense of humor, but now I honestly cannot stand some people. It's like my brain has shut off that part of itself where I can remember what it was like to be 17 and super excited about a job, or how it feels to be 19 and away from home for the first extended period of time. I constantly catch a little voice in the back of my head saying 'I don't care', or 'Why don't you shut the hell up?' I hate that this is what I've become. I'm not sure if it is the unsatisfactory working conditions that make me feel this way or if this is a new facet to my personality, but I really hate it. I can't help but wonder, what happened to the lively young woman I was? Where did she go? Is she still around, or did the world stomp her to death? I know that I'm the only one in control of my attitude, but I'm feeling less and less in control all the time. Is everything spinning out from under me, or am I just using it as an excuse to think bad things about people I don't particularly like?Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-78983940900675976382013-04-23T21:27:00.002-07:002013-04-23T21:27:26.170-07:00Not standing, but not fallingThings are stagnant, but not really. I don't feel like I have anything solid to stand on. I have no relationship to stand on. I'm not that close with any of my friends. I fight a lot with my family. And my health has never been stable. But now it appears that my job is also on rocky terms. That was the last thing I had left. I now just feel like I have nothing really stable or secure in my life. I'm certainly not falling, but I'm not standing on solid ground either. Things feel like they're constantly changing, but that I'm no where different. What happens when you finally know what and who you want to be when you grow up, and then you get there but then it all disappears?Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-57759310514704023372013-03-26T21:35:00.000-07:002013-03-26T21:35:42.161-07:00Lenten grief brings Easter joyAs a small child I loved everything about Easter. I loved buying a new dress, a hat with a bow or flowers on it, and the obligatory white shoes. And since I was little and therefore not to be trusted with these items, I was forbidden to wear them until Easter came. In it's own way, this was a little Andrea's version of Lenten grief. It made me more aware of the passage of time, and more cognizant of the anticipation of Easter and the return of Christ. Or as my little brain put it, the return of the happy music and new clothes. The difference between Lent and Easter in the church has fascinated me as I've gotten older. All throughout Lent we grieve because we know that the death of Jesus is coming, however we also approach the season with anticipation because we know after the death there will be a resurrection for the sake of all. Unless of course you're a church lady, and then the entire season is mostly a jumble of decorating, redecorating, planning, cooking, purchasing, and practicing in anticipation for the 'big day'. Often in this situation the magnitude of the season is lost on those who are tied to it the closest, because they are the ones in charge of actually making it happen. Which kinda brings me to my whole point. My Lent has been full of grief. From finally starting to grieve over my relationship and losing my neighbor, to the general busyness of trying to get a show ready to open while also preparing myself for Holy Week. And on top of it all a friend of mine died. We had been close once upon a time, but that time was a while ago. At first I couldn't get any answers about what happened, but when I finally heard it through the grapevine I was utterly shocked. He had killed himself. I'm not sure why this surprised me the most, because he seemed so happy all the time, or because he was a man of God. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he knew the love of God, but that this wasn't enough. It's also hard because Easter is all about the resurrection after death, where this won't be the case for my friend. I've been very lost in my grief this season. I have been able to find so very little to make or keep me happy. I've started to wonder if my Lenten grief will inhibit my Easter joy. I understand that the whole point is to go into darkest night, just to emerge into God's glorious light, but what if my own personal darkness gets in the way of the joy? I often feel this way at Christmas as well. There is so much that needs to get done and that is expected of me, there is incredibly little time to revel in the joy. So what then? Will my Easter be just another Sunday? Will it mean absolutely nothing to me? Or will I be so completely overwhelmed and caught off guard by a joy that surpasses all human understanding? I can only hope that when I wake up this Easter morning to put on a dress I've worn a hundred times before, and shoes that are scuffed, and forsake the bonnet to save myself the embarrassment that I can walk into my church and feel a joy that takes me back to being a little girl full of excitement and joy and love for a man that she has never met, but that she knows loves her.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-77194520790761407262013-03-16T23:24:00.002-07:002013-03-16T23:24:17.340-07:00A trip away can change how you see where you areI have finally changed the way I see things. This week was my birthday, and I love my birthday. I don't need things, but I love hearing from people who I love because it makes me feel appreciated. Well <i>Tye Dye</i> forgot my birthday. I was deeply hurt and disappointed. If we're trying to be friends, then he should have remembered. Today I got up the courage to ask him if he realized that he forgot my birthday. He said he did, he remembered it the day after, but that then it was too late. No apology, no belated 'happy birthday', nothing. This triggered something in my brain. He can't remember something that is very important to me, and so he is not in a place to even be my friend. it breaks my heart that he is so different than the guy I fell for, but that's just it: he really isn't the man i fell in love with right now. So for now, it's time to look at the other fish in the sea. I don't know if I will eventually see that <i>Tye Dye</i> is for me or not, but for right now it is time to see who else is out there and to stop beating myself up over the break up. These things happen, and in this situation there really wasn't anything else I could do. I still love him, but I will always love him for the things he taught me about other people, relationships, and myself. I wouldn't be the lady I am today without him. So a million thanks <i>Tye Dye</i>, but you're really being a butt-head right now.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-12091149148425642262013-02-28T09:36:00.001-08:002013-09-17T22:26:07.288-07:00It's been roughLife lately has been less than pleasant. I've had a few people in my life die recently, including my life long neighbor who used to watch my brother and I when we had forgotten our house keys. She would give us snacks and play games with us. Unfortunately I had not visited her in quite a while when she died. And I'm not making friends in Phoenix quite like I hoped. I really have one friend in town. I had a group of guys that I was close with, mostly because I had been close with one of them since high school. However, he moved away in December, and I mostly lost touch with the group. But one by one, they tried to connect with me. We'd hang out, watch movies and mostly just spend time together. Then I'd find out that they mostly just wanted to get me into bed, and when they found out that was not going to happen they dropped me like I was on fire. I'm not sure why the universe feels like I deserve to be used by men because I only want friends right now, but I feel like I've had enough. I almost wish that I didn't love my job so much, because then I would just pack up and leave when my contract is up and never look back. Phoenix has never really held much for me, and since I went away to school, it has never been home. I miss the life I has just a short year ago. I miss the happiness I had, I miss everything I used to have.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-49311810489834258652013-01-24T23:24:00.001-08:002013-01-24T23:24:17.406-08:00Acceptance"Only when we accept the full and honest truth about ourselves can we really sleep."<br />
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Perhaps this is why I haven't slept well in months. Until today, I had yet to admit to my part in <i>Tye Dye</i> and I'd break up. I ignored him. When his depression was the worst and he would reach out to me and try to talk to me, I didn't want to hear it. I sometimes would even physically walk away when he would talk about it. I hate that I treated him this way. Somehow I felt that if I simply ignored it, that it would go away. And eventually he stopped talking to me about it. I thought that meant that things were going better, but he had just stopped coming to me about it. I turned a blind eye on a man I love because I was not equipped to handle the things he was going through. And it was completely unfair to him, he respected me for dealing with my disease. He wasn't with me in spite of my disease, or because of it. He accepted it as part of who I am. And I didn't have the common decency to treat him with the same respect. I did not realize the depths of depression until we broke up. I didn't admit to how awful he could feel. I'm the only one to blame for this short coming. I could spew some crap about my stinted childhood, but the blame game never made anyone a better person. I screwed up. I failed. I failed him. I failed myself. And I failed the 'us' that used to be. Maybe now that he called me out on this subject, and I've admitted my fault perhaps we'll have a chance. I didn't want to admit that we would never had a chance until I admitted this to myself. I probably would have never admitted it if <i>Tye Dye</i> wouldn't have flat out told me. I think I miss his honesty the most. He always tried to make me at least be honest with myself. Even if we never make it back together, I now know all kinds of things about myself that I downright do not like, maybe that I even hate. But at least when I'm actually honest with myself I will be able to sleep?Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-4725838285796036182013-01-18T08:54:00.001-08:002013-01-18T08:54:05.739-08:00Because I feel like I shouldI've continued trying to date. Not because I want to, because I feel like it is expected of me. I feel like four months out of a break up one is supposed to be committed to trying to find another life mate. But it doesn't feel right. I made a mess of a situation with this guy. He's nice and everything, and I do like him, but I hate myself more for how I feel I've treated him. He has no idea that I'm still in love with my ex, or that I'm still harboring ideas of marrying him eventually. We've been on a couple dates, and he kissed me, but it felt like I was cheating on <i>Tye Dye</i>. I cried and debated the whole way home about whether or not to tell <i>Tye Dye</i>, but decided no because what would that actually accomplish? I don't want to be lonely and unhappy anymore, but everything I feel like I should be trying to do is making things worse. And this might sound absolutely silly, but I feel like I've been getting signs from God. Maybe you call it the universe but you know what I'm talking about. It seems like every time I'm in the car I hear a song about waiting for love or struggling with love through the bad times. It is true that these songs are incredibly popular right now which explains them being overplayed right now, but they very obviously change the way I feel. The first time I heard 'I won't give up' I felt this overwhelming peace and understanding. I can't imagine that this is just a coincidence, I feel like it was a sign that if I can be strong enough we'll be together again someday. Perhaps I'm just delusional, or perhaps it's true but either way it is helping me with everything that's happened.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-2753771769042557172012-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:002012-11-20T20:48:36.654-08:00I triedI tried to move on. I went on a date. My first date since <i>Tye Dye</i> ad I split up. Nothing about it was right. He was nice, I enjoyed his company, but it wasn't right. I didn't feel right being there. I didn't feel like our personalities fit together. I had a conversation with my boss who is going through a break up herself. She flat out said, 'the more that I date the more that I realize they aren't (my other)'. It is nothing against these other people, but they just aren't the ones that still have our hearts. Now I'm conflicted whether or not to tell him about my ex. If I let the subject lie I feel like I'd be leading him on. I'm more damaged than he might want to deal with ad it's not fair. But maybe he wants nothing serious at all and I'm thinking more highly of myself than he does. I'm just not sure.<br />
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And on another different note. I've decided that I'm taking control over my healthcare. Well, kinda. I've decided that I'm not doing anymore tests that I don't feel like doing. If my skin disease has gone internal there is nothing that can be done for it that they aren't already doing to me/for me. So what's the point in worrying myself or in spending money I really don't have? So I'm supposed to get a ct scan and a pulmonary function test, but I say nay. I won't do it. Will my doctor be mad? Probably. Will other people be upset and not understand me? Absolutely. But this is my way of regaining my control over life. Is this in response to my uncontrollable love life? Perhaps. But whatever the reasons, I feel really good about my decision. I feel like I don't need to make myself or let myself worry about things I have no control over, and that's a really nice change from the way things have been.<br />
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So I'm reasserting my control over my life, and if I can't control my life, at least I can control how I feel about my life.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-68667236175728281372012-11-11T20:45:00.001-08:002012-11-11T21:03:25.986-08:00The continuing adventures of hurry up and waitI'm in a constant space of waiting. And I've willingly put myself here. I saw <i>Tye Dye</i> last week in order to pick up some things that I had left at his apartment. Seeing him was really good at the same time that it was awful to heart wrenching proportions. We were nice, we asked how we were doing and we were more than civil to each other. But then he told me he was doing his best to get better, and I told him I missed him and he told me he missed me and loved me too. It isn't fair, to either of us. He wants to love me. He still cares about me, but there is something inside of his brain that won't allow him to. This depression monster has taken him away from me. I think it's almost worse without the finality of this break up. I'm waiting for him to get better because he still has my heart. I want nothing more than to be there for him, but that doesn't seem possible. I even want to say that in my heart of hearts I know he will get better, and that he'll come running back to me with arms wide open. But what if that's months from now? What if it's years? What if it never happens? My faith tells me that if I pray hard enough I'll find answers and that he can find healing, but what if it's not enough? When we were done talking I left and tried my damnedest not to cry on the walk to the car. I didn't quite make it and when I got in and closed the door I sobbed. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I cried for me, I cried for him, I cried for the 'us' that was lost. I cried because life is unfair, and I cried for the emptiness I feel without him. Later I sent him a text because I knew I had to ask but hadn't had the courage to do it in person. I asked him if he ever saw us getting back together he was completely honest. "Depends of if I can get better." A completely honest and real answer. It's what I asked for, and what I wanted. But it makes me wonder if I have given myself too much hope for our eventual future. At this point there are too many unknowns. I cannot reach a verdict. There are only so many options. Wait. Move forward. Run away. Leave. Stay. Wish. Hope. Yearn. Hurt. Never have I ever wished my life were a novel or a movie more than right now. I could skip ahead a half hour or a hundred pages and know how it ends up and then I could be content here, or at least know which way to turn. But I think I'll handle this the way that I handled getting lost in Walmart when I was six: run around for twenty minutes screaming for my mom, and then sit down and cry until someone who can help me comes along, and tells me where I can find her.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-29087739829593327132012-10-09T10:15:00.000-07:002012-10-09T10:15:22.657-07:00My indecisive heartI've been told, as many of you probably have, since I was a little girl to follow my heart because then I will always end up happy. But what are we to do when our heart can't decide? My heart is being quiet with it's desires and I can't quite tell what it wants. Some of the time it reminds me that <i>Tye Dye</i> is gone and that it wants him back because it's still madly in love with him. Other times it tells me that it would be nice to find someone to casually flirt with because it would make me feel wanted again. And sometimes it even tells me that this is what getting over a break up feels like and that I won't ever get back with the man I still love. I don't know where to turn, and I can't get a hold on my feelings. So why did no one ever tell us that sometimes our heart can't decide and so we need to give it time? I wish it would hurry up and decide because I hate to hurry up and wait.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-41087549533388199322012-10-03T23:25:00.001-07:002012-10-03T23:25:26.468-07:00I really don't knowI can't do this. Not too long ago I thought I didn't need <i>Tye Dye</i>. I thought I'd be better off without him, and I just don't think that can be true. I don't think I'll ever love anyone else as much as I love him. I'm still so madly in love with him. I can't not talk to his mom. I can't not think about him all the time. I miss him snuggling me. I miss playing with his hair. I feel like I look like I have my life together, and in a way I do. I'm making good money. I have a job I absolutely love. I'm living out my dreams, but I feel empty inside. There is a giant space in my heart that nothing will fill. Not my friends, not my family, not my job. I can't handle feeling so empty without having any idea of how to fix it or how to even begin closing it up. I just want him back.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-16050043547609062222012-09-24T20:31:00.002-07:002012-09-24T20:31:20.528-07:00Too much to think aboutI've had too much to think about lately. I can't stop thinking about <i>Tye Dye</i> and all I want to tell him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss texting him when I see an actor he would know in something else. I miss him being in my life. I miss being able to tell him about all the things that scare me. This point was really driven home today when my cousin reminded my that my great uncle has been dead for a whole year. I'm still afraid of him. I still hate him. It makes no sense, but even seeing someone who looks like him makes my skin crawl. No one really understood this until I met <i>Tye Dye</i>. And now I feel like I'm fighting this demon alone again. It seems so strange. I keep myself together at work, and I laugh and have a good time there. But as soon as I'm alone in my car I cry and can't keep myself together. I miss him so much my heart is still breaking. I just can't believe that he thought this would be better for me in the long run.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-75725112340323088642012-09-14T20:55:00.000-07:002012-09-14T21:26:49.988-07:00I am lostI feel completely and utterly lost. I lost my best friend. I lost my nerdy partner in crime. I lost my support system. I lost <i>Tye Dye. </i>I can't even believe it. We were together for almost a year and a half. He told me to start planning the wedding, and we even had the name of our first daughter picked out. So what went so wrong. It's weird, I go to work and I feel like I have it together, but then I go anywhere alone and I fall apart. I cry, I talk to myself, I'm so out of sorts. It doesn't seem fair that with all that disease has taken away from me, that it should take him too. He wasn't at all the man I fell in love with anymore, but I understood that it wasn't really him. And now he won't let me be there for him anymore. And according to a chest x-ray I had this summer, my skin disease might have become systemic. It's a double blow really. He was always behind me and helped me not to worry about my disease, and now I don't know how to feel. I don't know if he'll want to know how things continue to work out with my health. I don't know if he'll go back to self destructive tendencies to help cope with his depression. I don't know if he'll want me back if and when he gets help and gets himself back to normal. So many things left unsaid. So many things that shouldn't have been said. So many things left undone. So many painful, heart wrenching memories. I just don't know how long I can keep this all together.<br />
<br />
At Bible study this week we talked about the worst times in our lives, and how God saw them as great moments in out relationship because he got to hold us so tightly and remind us that he is here for us. If that is truly the case, God clearly can not get enough of holding me tight, because I've had some really rough times in the last few years. It doesn't seem fair that I've had so many things go wrong in my very young life.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-46486953109106186652012-07-22T23:03:00.000-07:002012-07-22T23:03:51.223-07:00The way things have beenI hate feeling like this. I hate being some place that I should be excited to be and hating it. I hate feeling like I'm alone. I hate feeling like my boyfriend doesn't give two shits about the fact that I'm no longer happy here, the fact that we haven't seen each other in almost three months, or about me. I want to go home, but I don't think I'll be any happier there than I am here. Worst of all, I hate feeling like my contract in Arizona is keeping me from doing more important things for my best friend. This is too confining. I have to get out!Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-63431359421354243222012-06-02T20:43:00.001-07:002012-06-02T20:43:49.999-07:00Whew!Life has been a whirlwind to say the least. In the last month I graduated from college with a BA in Theatre, moved back in with my parents, got a job that starts in August, celebrated my one year anniversary with <i>Tye Dye</i>, moved to Colorado for my summer job, and lived with <i>Tye Dye</i> for a few days somewhere in there. No wonder I haven't had much time to blog. It's weird picking up and moving to a town you've never been to for a job where you've never met anyone there, but I absolutely love it. Work has been rough the last two days, but even that makes me thankful for the opportunity I have here. I am doing exactly what I love and I'm getting paid for it. It's lovely. And even though I miss <i>Tye Dye</i> terribly, I think it was really important for my growth as a human being to take the chance to come out here and try to make my life work out. I'm not much of a big risk taker, but this is one risk I wouldn't take back for the world.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-77400539906633445482012-03-24T20:12:00.001-07:002012-03-24T20:31:12.064-07:00And plans change<span style="font-style: normal; ">It's kind of amazing how one single day can totally change your plans for the future. </span><i>Tye Dye</i> and I had talked about it and we decided that we wanted to move in together after I graduate college and get back hopefully from a summer theatre job. However, I found out last Saturday that our plans have been completely thwarted. His parents, who are very conservative religiously, do not want us to live together until we are married. Part of the plan was I was also going to help him pay for school so he wouldn't have to worry so much about finances. But since we won't be living together, I can't afford to help him, or to stay in Flagstaff. It appears that I will either be getting a summer job in another state or moving back in with my parents. Either one puts me far away from him. I'm way not ready to get married right now, but I did want to live with him and be a couple. And no matter where I end up I'm going to miss him. I wanted to stay for love, but now I am forced to leave for money. And to top it all off, I've already gotten two rejections. So I can't stay for love, and no one will take me so I can go for money. I guess I'm literally stuck.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-32541343657910697332012-03-04T19:31:00.002-08:002012-03-04T19:41:15.914-08:00Something I haven't even told anyone in my real lifeWhen I got the excellent news that I'm epilepsy free, I also got very scary news: I could have a small brain tumor. My doctor said not to worry about it, and I was doing pretty good about it until I figured out that my health insurance wouldn't cover the higher resolution mri so we could make sure. Now I'm terrified. I've always believed in a kind of poetic justice, but there's nothing poetic about losing an aunt to brain cancer and finding out you might have a brain tumor within the same year. I'm readily finding out that life isn't fair. Not in the 'everybody should have everything anyone else has' kind of way, but in the 'the same people get constantly shit on kind of way'. I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a good future ahead of me, and this certainly isn't helping. But what I really realized last night is that it's not the possibility of a brain tumor that bothers me, it's what that could mean for my relationship. I love my boyfriend more than anything, we've talked about getting married and having kids and I can't wait to do all those things with him. But I watched my aunt's brain cancer not only take away her body from her, but also her husband. They grew so far apart that he even rented a house for the last few years of her life. He did not want to be married to her anymore. I'm not scared so much of what this could do to my body, I'm afraid of what this could do to my love. I never want to lose him, but I'm not sure what will happen in the long run if this ends up being as bad as it could be.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-1376447581901985522012-01-21T22:46:00.000-08:002012-01-21T22:51:35.591-08:00So rare is great newsI received fantastic news this week: I am epilepsy free. Obviously this news is wonderful, but it's hard for me to simply allow myself to be happy about it. There is always something that is threatening my way of life, I feel like I can't even just sit for a minute without something else needing my attention or drawing my worry. Have I simply become unable to appreciate good news when it is given to me? I am concerned for my future happiness if I cannot remember how to appreciate the good things in my life and just let the bad things happen because they can't be stopped.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-44797989591300340062012-01-07T22:05:00.001-08:002012-01-07T22:19:34.984-08:00A Whole New YearIt's interesting how different I feel because it's the start of a new year. I am only seven days in and everything feels fresh. The same apartment I was living in feels new. The class I started before the year started feels new. Everything has this hue to it like it's a brand new baby that I just want to hold and wonder how it will grow up. It makes me wonder: What changes so dramatically between December 31st and January 1st? I think it has a lot to do with second chances. It is my opinion that we do not give ourselves enough chances in this life. But a new year means new challenges and new opportunities to show ourselves that we can do it. Most people make a New Year's resolution or two, but I don't think that's enough. Every year since I started college I have made a list. A list of 100 things I hope to do with my year, and this year is no exception. I have things that are easy to do like go bowling and make a snowman and then stuff that I probably won't get to do such as see the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. My list reminds me that there is always more adventures to be had and more fun things to experience. It also helps me see what I want to do with my life. I probably will not make it to the Eiffel Tower this year, but I will eventually see it with my own two eyes. And best of all, my list reminds me that even small events, like bowling, can be an adventure and can be exciting. I guess the new year is so exciting because it has so much untapped potential. It gives us all a zest for life and excitement, and a hope for what this year will have in store. It's a great shame that we can't feel like this everyday, not just in the first few days or weeks of each new year.Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8231661483096400349.post-9930345349968108242011-12-19T18:28:00.000-08:002011-12-19T18:34:20.441-08:00What a tough semester?One of my professors told me last week that I had had a really rough semester in my personal life. At the time I was really confused, I thought it was no worse than usual. But after some actual thought on it, this has been an incredibly rough one. My aunt died of brain cancer the day before the semester actually started. I can't even remember her before she got sick. My great uncle died, and that made me come to terms with the horrible things he used to do to me. I told my mom about it, and my brother and I talked about it. I was told that I probably have epilepsy, and I started all my tests to figure it out. I had my first MRI. I had a huge project that took up my whole semester to get it done. And I was fighting with a really good friend of mine. This semester was crap. Listing it all really tells me how crap-tastic it really was, so how do I still see it as no worse than any other semester? Would I rather just hide away from the fact that I did have a lot to deal with, or do I see my life as so awful that this was really nothing special?Awesome Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15867086404344062539noreply@blogger.com0