This is... life?

I've learned something about myself today (won't it ever end!?). It seems that I keep my problems to myself. This seems counter-intuitive seeing as I'm a young lady with a blog. However, I must be the oddest type of bird because I won't share the information I do with all of cyberspace with some of my best friends. Today however, I broke down. In the middle of class. I started crying and had to leave the room and go outside (it was snowing, mind you). I hadn't realized how messed up my life had gotten until I was telling my friends while crying in the girl's bathroom. My aunt is dying and I just can't handle it. My mom had to have major surgery and I was all alone to deal with the whole situation. I'm feeling so overwhelmed with school, and work, and my finances. And on top of all of that, I've had to deal with my ex and all this piddly-din-kin drama here, and I just can't do it anymore. And even though me and my ex had a good talk today about why things have been strange between us and why I'm mad at him, I feel no better about my situation. True, things should be less strained between us which will make our other friendships easier, but that doesn't just make everything better. I just can't handle my life. Can it be over now?

The things that school can do

I've always liked being in school to help me forget about any of the other stresses that are going on in my life. However, this time it feels like I'm using it as an escape. My aunt is sick and I've been burying myself in homework so that I don't feel bad or scared. I've been using being busy as an excuse to not call my mom who just had surgery last week. And while my ex is being a bunch of expletives that I won't use here, I've stayed home most of the day reading and doing homework just so I don't have to think about the jerk. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was better than this. It seems that I am the true definition of a nerd, I'm using school as a refuge from my personal life.

When does this feeling stop?

Lately I've been feeling helpless. Maybe it's because my aunt is dying. Maybe it's because we just had a cancer scare with my mom. Maybe it's the mounting schoold debt and the increasing feeling that I'm not doing anything with my life. But I just feel like I've been treading water and now my legs and arms are getting so tired I can hardly keep my nose above the water. I just want to know where this feeling is coming from, and how I can make it stop before my legs stop moving.

New Year. New Discoveries. New Post.

Over the past week or two I've figured out a few things about myself that I'm not particularly sure that I like. One of these I figured out after I had had a very life-like dream. I have a certain friend. Let's call him Darkness. Now, Darkness and I have known each other since I was a freshman in high school, so that's about seven years. I've had an intense crush on him for at least most of that time. In my dream the two of us were finally going to date rather than just use each other like we normally do. Because of the way my dream self reacted to the situation I finally realized how I've been doing this same thing to lots of my guy friends. There have always been certain male friends in my life that I have used to make me feel better when I'm down. While making people feel better is a usual part of friendship this isn't exactly how I've gone about this. I know certain guys will tell me things, and I only talk to them when I've been spurned by another guy. I use them to show me that guys can care about me. It's all about a self-esteem boost. Realizing this has made me feel terrible about the relationships I've had with friends like Darkness and many others.
I've also noticed how I deal with heartbreak. Sweetums hurt me, and rather than getting upset or trying to deal with how I was feeling, I've just transferred how I feel about him to another guy. Essentially, I no longer really want to be with him, but now I have an unbearably strong urge to be with somebody else. It feels like I've fixed the problem, but really I've just created a new one. The worst part about guy #2 is that he has an on-again-off-again girlfriend and he isn't even sure we'll be living in the same state come next semester. And I may have made a huge mistake with him. It seems that becoming an adult just makes things so much more complicated. I'm not even sure that I like who's looking back from the mirror right now. She's not really the girl I thought she was.