New Year. New Discoveries. New Post.

Over the past week or two I've figured out a few things about myself that I'm not particularly sure that I like. One of these I figured out after I had had a very life-like dream. I have a certain friend. Let's call him Darkness. Now, Darkness and I have known each other since I was a freshman in high school, so that's about seven years. I've had an intense crush on him for at least most of that time. In my dream the two of us were finally going to date rather than just use each other like we normally do. Because of the way my dream self reacted to the situation I finally realized how I've been doing this same thing to lots of my guy friends. There have always been certain male friends in my life that I have used to make me feel better when I'm down. While making people feel better is a usual part of friendship this isn't exactly how I've gone about this. I know certain guys will tell me things, and I only talk to them when I've been spurned by another guy. I use them to show me that guys can care about me. It's all about a self-esteem boost. Realizing this has made me feel terrible about the relationships I've had with friends like Darkness and many others.
I've also noticed how I deal with heartbreak. Sweetums hurt me, and rather than getting upset or trying to deal with how I was feeling, I've just transferred how I feel about him to another guy. Essentially, I no longer really want to be with him, but now I have an unbearably strong urge to be with somebody else. It feels like I've fixed the problem, but really I've just created a new one. The worst part about guy #2 is that he has an on-again-off-again girlfriend and he isn't even sure we'll be living in the same state come next semester. And I may have made a huge mistake with him. It seems that becoming an adult just makes things so much more complicated. I'm not even sure that I like who's looking back from the mirror right now. She's not really the girl I thought she was.