Lenten grief brings Easter joy

As a small child I loved everything about Easter. I loved buying a new dress, a hat with a bow or flowers on it, and the obligatory white shoes. And since I was little and therefore not to be trusted with these items, I was forbidden to wear them until Easter came. In it's own way, this was a little Andrea's version of Lenten grief. It made me more aware of the passage of time, and more cognizant of the anticipation of Easter and the return of Christ. Or as my little brain put it, the return of the happy music and new clothes. The difference between Lent and Easter in the church has fascinated me as I've gotten older. All throughout Lent we grieve because we know that the death of Jesus is coming, however we also approach the season with anticipation because we know after the death there will be a resurrection for the sake of all. Unless of course you're a church lady, and then the entire season is mostly a jumble of decorating, redecorating, planning, cooking, purchasing, and practicing in anticipation for the 'big day'. Often in this situation the magnitude of the season is lost on those who are tied to it the closest, because they are the ones in charge of actually making it happen. Which kinda brings me to my whole point. My Lent has been full of grief. From finally starting to grieve over my relationship and losing my neighbor, to the general busyness of trying to get a show ready to open while also preparing myself for Holy Week. And on top of it all a friend of mine died. We had been close once upon a time, but that time was a while ago. At first I couldn't get any answers about what happened, but when I finally heard it through the grapevine I was utterly shocked. He had killed himself. I'm not sure why this surprised me the most, because he seemed so happy all the time, or because he was a man of God. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he knew the love of God, but that this wasn't enough. It's also hard because Easter is all about the resurrection after death, where this won't be the case for my friend. I've been very lost in my grief this season. I have been able to find so very little to make or keep me happy. I've started to wonder if my Lenten grief will inhibit my Easter joy. I understand that the whole point is to go into darkest night, just to emerge into God's glorious light, but what if my own personal darkness gets in the way of the joy? I often feel this way at Christmas as well. There is so much that needs to get done and that is expected of me, there is incredibly little time to revel in the joy. So what then? Will my Easter be just another Sunday? Will it mean absolutely nothing to me? Or will I be so completely overwhelmed and caught off guard by a joy that surpasses all human understanding? I can only hope that when I wake up this Easter morning to put on a dress I've worn a hundred times before, and shoes that are scuffed, and forsake the bonnet to save myself the embarrassment that I can walk into my church and feel a joy that takes me back to being a little girl full of excitement and joy and love for a man that she has never met, but that she knows loves her.

A trip away can change how you see where you are

I have finally changed the way I see things. This week was my birthday, and I love my birthday. I don't need things, but I love hearing from people who I love because it makes me feel appreciated. Well Tye Dye forgot my birthday. I was deeply hurt and disappointed. If we're trying to be friends, then he should have remembered. Today I got up the courage to ask him if he realized that he forgot my birthday. He said he did, he remembered it the day after, but that then it was too late. No apology, no belated 'happy birthday', nothing. This triggered something in my brain. He can't remember something that is very important to me, and so he is not in a place to even be my friend. it breaks my heart that he is so different than the guy I fell for, but that's just it: he really isn't the man i fell in love with right now. So for now, it's time to look at the other fish in the sea. I don't know if I will eventually see that Tye Dye is for me or not, but for right now it is time to see who else is out there and to stop beating myself up over the break up. These things happen, and in this situation there really wasn't anything else I could do. I still love him, but I will always love him for the things he taught me about other people, relationships, and myself. I wouldn't be the lady I am today without him. So a million thanks Tye Dye, but you're really being a butt-head right now.