God's Smallest Miracles

I have to preface this post with this will either be one of the sweetest things you've ever heard... or you will judge me relentlessly for it. And either way, I don't care. This was one of those sweet moments that don't come around all that often anymore. I was in the store, shopping with my mom. We were waiting at the checkout when we found all kinds of giant, sparkly rings. As girls often do, we were trying them on just for fun. All of the sudden, it occurred to me that these rings stretched, and I slipped one over my knuckle on my left middle finger. I looked at my mom and tears filled my eyes. To get everyone up to speed, my left middle finger is so bent I was sure a ring would have to be an oval to ever fit me. I had to try so hard not to start crying in the store. It was one of those beautiful, wonderful, changing, perfect moments that don't often come around in life these days. It felt like a tiny tap on the shoulder from God just to say, I'm still here, and I love you. I'm not sure if anyone else will feel the same or does feel the same, but that's not important. It was a nice little before Christmas miracle that really boosted me up after a difficult semester and renewed my hope. It truly is the little things that matter the most.

Should I be mad or not?

Am I still under the control, or at least the supervision, of my ex? I feel like because he is the one that dumped me, I'm a free agent now. I can do as I please without worrying about how he feels about it. Yet, I apparently upset him because a drunk guy hit on me after we went to karaoke on friday night. I did not want this drunk guy's attention. I felt incredibly awkward, and I literally ran away from him. In what way was this situation my fault? Does he have any right to even be upset at the situation? He was the one who dumped me. I fully understand that he would be upset if we were together, or even if I had dumped him. But the situation is that in my opinion, he has no right to even be upset at the situation. He could have not had this happen by staying with me, and because we're no longer together he has no right to judge my choices or even those who find me attractive. I'm glad that we're still friends, and that we can still hang out and talk without things being awkward, but if he continues to be this immature about this situation I might have to cut all my ties with him.

How did this happen?

When did I finally grow up? At what point was I in my life that I got over the crazy little girl feelings I had continued to feel until college? Within the last week, I was dumped, and yet now I'm over the situation. It didn't last long enough to stay mad at him, and it would have made stuff wierd for our friends. But we're fine now. We talk, we've hung out, and we're still relatively close. The strangest part is that I still want to be physical with him. Our relationship didn't really last long enough for me to miss being his girlfriend exactly, but I do miss being so close to him. It really bothers me I guess because I can't decide whether it really happened or not. We were together for such a short period it feels like I almost imagined the whole thing. But I'm amazed that I am so over my 'heart break'. I was able to move on with my life really quickly and I'm in a much better place now. It feels really grown up that my world didn't completely fall apart when he broke up with me. I'm not exactly sure how I grew up and left a lot of my annoying little girl self behind, but it is so very nice, and it feels great!

Well that's gross

My experiment has come to a close. We broke up today. And as wierd as it sounds, I'm not mad anymore. But I am very hurt. It seems that he just stopped caring about me. And while that hurts so badly, I can't be mad at him. He was completely honest with me. He never attempted to be something he wasn't, and for the short time we were together he accepted me exactly the way I am. I don't want to never speak to him again. I don't want my friends to leave him or even be mad at him because that isn't fair. And I don't want our department, or anyone for that matter to have a negative view of him because he is a very good guy. I hope that soon I'll be able to work with him and not feel bad, be I will truly miss him as a friend if we can't get along. Now is the time for prayer. For healing, for strength, and for a rekindled friendship with Sweetums.

Could I get your advice?

I have this friend. And this friend is a worry wart. And whenever she gets a tiny idea in her head it burrows in and starts to pick at my consciousness. I mean HER consciousness! Anyway, my friend has gotten this idea that a certain someone in her life is unhappy. Not only is she afraid that this person is unhappy, but she's afraid that this person will leave her. She's afraid of all this because she doesn't show any emotion when she talks about her skin disease. (What a coincidence!) But the reasons that she doesn't show any emotion anymore are so crazy confusing to a normal person that even I don't understand them. She really REALLY hopes that she's just worrying herself over nothing, which she does all the time so it's no big deal. And her and this certain person are supposed to talk about it tomorrow. What should I tell my friend that she should do?

In other more exciting news!

It is now the second week of my adventure which I'd like to call 'being in a relationship'. And it is so wonderful! He makes me smile and laugh all the time, and I can't even believe sometimes how understanding he is. He doesn't make me feel bad for looking different, and he tells me I'm beautiful all the time. It makes me feel like a 12 year old girl, but I've finally gotten to flip around my claddagh ring for the first time since I bought it and it makes me so ridiculously excited! I don't have to pretend to be normal, or like I even have all the answers with him. There's no better feeling than waking up in his arms and getting a kiss on the forehead and him saying 'good morning beautiful'. For all the wonderful things he's taught me already, and the things he's attempting to teach me, I think I'm already falling for him. So this one is for Sweetums, the best guy I've met in a very long time.

When things get truly scary

I've put off writing this blog for at least a week. I couldn't really place how I was feeling, and decided that everybody in cyberspace that's waiting with baited breath for my next post could wait a few more days. Even now that I'm sitting down to write it, I'm still not sure exactly how I feel. I found a new spot, and while this isn't a completely new experience for me, finding this one nearly killed me. It's on my right arm. While that may not seem like much it means a lot. It's only about five inches from my wrist, and that's the scariest part of all. I finally have to start figuring out how I can live my life with limited use of both of my hands. Everything in me was hoping that I'd be able to use my right hand normally for at least several more years, and now I have to consider the alternative. Sewing is already a bit of a challenge, but with four moving fingers can I make it work? Can I do what I love with two mostly imobile hands? Who's ever heard of a costume designer who can hardly hold a pencil, or a cutter/draper who can't work a pair of scissors? It's all too real. It's all too scary. I'm stuck, I'm lost, I'm scared. No part of this is fair. And I know that life's not fair, but is it supposed to be this hard? Is it fair that I've finally found something I love to do and that I'm three semesters away from graduating, and now I might have gone to school for something I can no longer do? I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I'm so scared about my future I can't hardly function. What do I do? Is there anything I even can do?

When is it too little?

I've always thought that I wanted to know exactly when I'm going to die, that way I could prepare and enjoy what I've got here. But now that I'm faced with knowing when someone I love is going to die I'm not so sure. I was told about a week ago that my aunt with a brain tumor has finally decided that she's done treating it, so she only has about six months left. It's hard because we're now all preparing, and it feels like we're going to miss out on the time she has left. We're so busy getting ready for her to be gone so we're not even enjoying that she's still here. Now I'm not sure if I want to know when I'm going to die. Will I be upset because it's not long enough? Will it be soon? I just don't even want to know anymore.

The Power of Positive Thinking

Until very recently I had never given much thought to thinking positively. If you know me in my current life you would probably think of me as a happy and positive person. This has not always been the case. Around six years ago I was a very sad person and I hated many of the facets of my life. Eventually I was able to overcome the depression that I originally experienced with my diagnosis. But I still didn't think that I was going to get any better. I still had that cynical little voice in the back of my head that said I ws never going to look any better, and that my condition was never going to get any better. I'm not even sure what finally busted me out of this funk, but I started improving. I finally started to believe that my medicines were going to help me. I believed that my shots where going to help me. My skin has gotten so much lighter, my spots are less hard, and I've retained the motion that I still have. I've even started to think positively about the condition of my left hand. People have told me that they hardly noticed it until I myself have mentioned it. It's a good feeling that I'm in less pain and that I look better, but I didn't realize why all of this had happened until earlier last week. In my Health, Healing, and Religions class we've been talking about the placebo effect. Studies have shown that patients have had marked improvement simply by believing that they will get better when given a sugar pill. Maybe the human mind is exactly as powerful as hippies have always said it is. Perhaps it was the power of positive thoughts that have made me better. Maybe it was the power of God. Who knows?

Yet another blog on fear

It's amazing isn't it? It can be completely paralyzing, and it can be freeing. It can lead us to do great things, and our lowest lows. I had a moment of such fear just last night that still has me slightly shook up. A friend of mine called me and told me that she was near my apartment and her friend was having an epilepsy attack. I ran down the stairs and out to her and her friend who were sitting on a curb in the parking lot. We tried to help her up and talk to her to pass the time. At first you could hardly tell anything was wrong, she was really responsive and was telling stories with my friend. But as the night wore on, she couldn't remember where we were, who my friend was, or even recognize herself in a picture. It took us two hours to get her back into her room, and even then she had no idea where she was and didn't readily feel safe there. I can't even begin to fathom how scared she must have been, having people tell her that she lives here but not knowing it for herself. By the time I got home my nerves were so completely shot, that I just sat on my bed and frantically cried. I couldn't control myself, then my roommate came into my room beyond freaked out and tried to figure out what was wrong. I didn't even have any words, I just had tears. I was afraid because I had so little idea of what to do, I was afraid for her right now, and because I was afraid for her in the future. I hadn't even met her until last night, but I was still so scared for her. It says something about the human spirit that we are able to keep it together as long as we need to, and then completely fall apart. At least I can find comfort in that.

Lonely No More

It seems like all this summer I was bound by some unseen force to my house so that I could do nothing but be lonely all day. But now that I'm back at school, that feeling is completely gone. I had plans almost every night this week to the point that I forced myself to take a night off to get some work done. Between classes, friends, homework, and shop hours I'm keeping myself wonderfully busy. With everything going so well I have to count my blessings because I'm fabulously happy. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for a night with no homework and no plans to bum me out. It irks me that my brain can't just be happy for a little bit and not want to ruin the happy. Oh well, maybe if I keep myself busy enough I won't have time to second guess where I'm at.

3153600 minutes. How do you measure 6 years in a life?

It's odd. This whole month has been leading up to this day, and now that's it's here I feel empty. No, that's not right, I feel like this isn't how the day was supposed to go. You see, today marks 6 years since I've been diagnosed with morphea. I realize that no one else remembers the exact date because it isn't that important, but the fact that my own parents haven't noticed my funk is slightly upsetting. I get this way every August. From the 1st til the 19th I get into this rut. I feel gross, I'm mean, I don't laugh as much, or maybe it's all in my head. I think mostly I get gross around this time of year because I don't know how to act. Last year I celebrated. I treated myself to a few little things and was so excited about it being 5 whole years. But I felt like people didn't appreciate me celebrating that I was sick. And this year, I'm just mopey. A friend spent the morning trying to cheer me up, and he didn't even say why he was. He had read it on my facebook and could tell. It's times like these and friends like Big Red that let me know how much people do care about me.

I can't stop thinking about the day I first met my dermatologist. He came into the exam room, introduced himself and started pulling and poking my skin. He said 'this looks like morphea' and he left the room, only to come back with other docters who all did the same thing. No explanation, no asking for my permission, he just treated me like I was a med school mannequin who wasn't scared as shit to be sitting on the exam table hearing the paper crunch under my butt. Then came all the blood tests, and x-rays, and the CAT scan. But how far have I come since then?

A little girl stood behind me in line at Target the other day. She beamed at me with pride while showing me the new Barbie her mom was about to buy for her. She was telling me all the things a little 5 year old girl tells to a strange lady in the store. Then she said something to me that doesn't get said to every other strange lady. She said 'why do you have owies all over your arm?' Like usual I lied. I told her that I got hurt when I was a very little girl. I got the saddest look from those doe eyes of hers. I'm all better now I assured her. For a minute she looked at me like she didn't believe me, then asked 'and why do you elbows look like that?' Her mother was so embarrassed by the little girl's curiousity. I told her it was fine, and that it didn't bother me. I lied again. How do you tell a mother that her little girl just broke your heart, when she had no idea what she was asking? The worst part is not even knowing what to tell a little kid, and no matter how many times this exact same situation has happened I still have no idea what to say. Sometimes it's 'I was burned', or 'I got hurt', or 'God made me different'. You can't really be mad at a child for wondering, but can I be mad at an adult for assuming? A lady once asked me how long it had been since I'd been burned, and another asked if anyone was killed in the fire. Why would you ask when you truly don't care? I think this whole thing would be so much easier if strangers could see past my appearance and realize that I might be interesting to stare at but that I don't appreciate it.

Does this mean personal growth?

I feel as though I'm an odd creature. In my last post I decided that I needed out of my "relationship" with Stupid because it was doing me more harm than good. The very next day he texts me to inform me that he went on a date and that he's kicking me to the curb for someone else, again. In actuality, I shouldn't have been suprised because humans are creatures of habit. Still his rejection stung. It might sound silly, but I wanted to fast track my rejection hurt, so I watch The Notebook. It is one of my favorite movies and it's a beautiful love story about how nothing can keep true loves apart. I cried the entire movie, both for myself and because it's so sad and beautiful. After the movie was over, I felt exponentially better. I didn't care about the rejection anymore. It was a new experience for me. Since I'm an open person with my feelings and just about everything else, I usually fall hard and fast for boys and end up nursing a broken heart for weeks, or at the very least days, after I find out that it just won't work. So why is this time around with Stupid so different? Did I really not care about him as much as I thought? Or was I protecting myself because my subconscious could feel another kick to the curb coming? But I also have to think that maybe I'm growing. Perhaps I'm getting to a point in my life where not being right for one guy isn't the end of everything. It obviously doesn't mean that I'm worthless and that I won't be right for anyone. Maybe my heart is finally catching up to what my head has known all along: love works when it's right, and it doesn't when it's not. Nothing is wrong with that, it is simply a fact of life. So perhaps my open heart is growing up a bit, which would be incredibly nice since I'm tired of experiencing grade school heartbreak. I guess trial and error is the only way of proving this theory of mine. So bring it on world, I'm ready for the next guy.

What I need vs what I want

There's always this question that looms over everything, it's a question that can apply to almost anything and everything: do I need it or do I just want it? This summer has, in a way, been about me determining what I need from what I want from the people I deal with in my life. Among my friends, I need respect, and I need genuine care, but I want them to be willing to do things for me if I ever needed them to. That's kind of a crappy example, but it's late so just go with me here. Today I've found out something, and it's probably something people have been saying for all of time: I need more. I don't want more, I need more. Stupid is no longer giving me what I need, and I'm really struggling with the reason why. Is it because I haven't blunty explained what I need from him on an emotional level? Is it because he's incapable of showing me that type of affection? Is it because that type of affection isn't really there I just wish it was? It's these types of questions that wake me up and 3:30 in the morning and force me to blog to get my thoughts straight by 4. My thoughts are straight enough by now to realize at least this: I either need more, or I need out. I can feel myself getting drawn into this man because of how much I care about him, and if this caring thing isn't going both ways I need out before I get a chance to let him hurt me and I hurt myself. But is it so terrifying to a guy to hear that a girl just wants you to talk to her? I need conversation, this summer of constantly being by myself has left me feeling like a shell of my former self. I don't even need really deep conversation, even the boring details of your work day are enough to keep me feeling like he gives a crap about me. And I don't feel like it's asking too much for him to genuinely want to spent time with me, and to make time for it. I'm not asking for a really elaborate and romantic candlelit dinner, I'm asking for watching movies at home. The way things have been with Stupid up until now in hindsight, make me feel cheap and unordinary. I shouldn't ever feel that way, because I'm special just like everyone else is special. So I guess what all this means is I want someone to make me feel special, but I need someone who makes me feel like I matter to them. And I think it means I need to get out of this "relationship" before it does me any more damage.

Can loneliness spawn independence?

As you know, I've been very lonely this summer. It doesn't really help that I keep seeing pictures from the great times my friends are having, and that I haven't been invited along, but I digress. I normally hate doing tasks outside of my living quarters by myself. Ask anyone close to me and I've probably invited them to run errands with me, and I'll always take a friend places if I'm free for the afternoon. Lately, I've broken away from that because I can now go run my errands by myself without feelng anxious about being alone. Because I'm getting getting pretty used to being alone, I've even considered going to a movie by myself. And up until now, this freedom seemed really liberating. No longer do I have to wait to do things because the other person can't. No more can I use the excuse "I wanted to see that movie, but couldn't find anyone to go with me". However, the more I think about it the more I lose my confidence in my ability to actually go through with it. Every time I think about going to lunch and eating an entire meal by myself, or sitting in a theater with no one beside me other than a bucket of popcorn a tiny piece of me dies. I realize that is incredibly overdramatic, but that's just who I am. So I feel better in knowing that I am able to run errands and do tasks without needing someone with me. But the fact that I have so few people in my life that want to spend time with me that I'd actually consider seeing a movie by myself is even more depressing than spending days at a time by myself.

Home

Home, it's where the heart is, but it's also somewhere that you can never go back to. It seems as though these are two ideas that are completely at odds with each other. At bible study this evening we watched a video and discussed the idea of names. I know this seems a bit off topic, but bear with me for a little bit. So we were talking about how you have to truly accept who you are and that in biblical times your name was your identity. This led to talk about how we compare ourselves to others and constantly look outside ourselves to fix problems that we have with who we are. Somehow, all this talk about giving in to who you are to bring yourself peace gave way to discussion of home. (Told you I'd get back to my point.) I'm the youngest in our bible study group by about ten years and thus all the other women either have children, and even grandchildren. It feels like the older you get the more you find out who you are and that acceptance comes with time. During our discussion I started to think about where my heart is and where my home is. Are these locations the same? Do I agree with the old cliches or have I written some of my own? I am starting to feel like I'm simply visiting the house that I lived in for my entire life before college. I have so few friends left here that either have time for me or that remember to include me in everyday activities, that I'm alone most days. Mostly, I want to go back to Flagstaff because people know me there, people have time for me there, and I feel like I'm cared about there. It's not that my family doesn't love me, they do and I love them dearly. But with my brother having a girlfriend, he's never home. My parents have day jobs and I have a night job, so I hardly even see them. So most of my time is spent milling about the house, doing nothing in particular, and counting the days until I move back up north. It feels I'm staying in an incredibly familiar hotel, where there are pictures of me and my family on the walls, and all my things are here, but I don't know anyone in town. Flag feels like my home. I mean, I have a job, I have a place to live, I have friends, I have school, everything but my family and my church is there. I feel like I'm starting the lose who I am, because I spend all my time alone so what's the use of being an individual? This place is no longer home, and I miss having people around so much that it's become a physical ache in my body. At this point in time, I'm not even sure I can stand another month and a half away from people who want to spend time with me. Thank goodness I have Baby, my old roommate, and Stupid, the sort of man in my life, or I'd have gone crazy already. I need people in my life, and I'm not getting them here. If the saying 'home is where the heart is' is right then my home is in Flagstaff, but if the saying 'you can't go home' is correct the Phoenix is my home. Right now I feel like a nomad and I can't wait until I go back to Flag.

Upon further inspection

Summers are supposed to be absolutely great. The sun is warm, there are beaches to go to, friends are home, and there's no school. And every year I approach the summer like a person who's been stranded approaches water. Extrememly excited, but slightly hesitant. I mean, what if it's just a mirage? Then I wasted that effort and have nothing to show for it. But it's really there, and it's exciting. But about a week into my summer vacations I always realize the same thing. I don't have many friends who are willing to spend time with me in Phoenix anymore, my brother has better things to do then hang out with his little sister, work doesn't give me enough hours, and I'm so incredibly lonely I swear I can taste it. I think that's why, year after year, I keep secretly hoping for that summer romance to come along and give some spice to my boring, lonely life. That's the stand-by way of thinking. "If I had someone else in my life, then everything would be perfect." I'm comig to the realization that that ideal is bullsh*t. I mean, another person always complicates things, because now it's not just my life, it's how do our lives work together.



Through some great advice from a friend of mine, I've given some further inspection to my "relationship" with the guy in my last update. I'll admit that I started the whole thing up because I had been burned by another guy and I wanted to feel worthwhile in the dating scene. But now that I've gotten to know him all over again, the fact that we're keeping things really casual is getting difficult for me. I do truly care about him, and I want to know that he cares about me. I'd like to be with him, but I feel like there's no chance of him wanting to be serious so I'm trying to keep my distance. But it's getting more and more difficult. I don't feel like you should kiss someone on the top of the head or call them things like 'sugar' and 'babe' if it's just for fun, right? So whether or not he's trying to, I'm getting crazy mixed signals. At this point, I know what I want, so it's up to him to figure out what he wants. Don't hold your breath, but I'm sure I'll figure out what he wants from me soon enough.

My subconscious is trying to destroy me

I've always had an over-active imagination. In some instances that's been great. I'm hardly ever bored because I just let my mind wander. But on the other hand, sometimes it wanders into dangerous places that then my conscious has to rescue me from. The way that my subconscious is the most rebellious is in my dreams. I understand that no one can really control what they dream about, but what happens when your dreams are so real they hurt you in real life? There's this boy, much like always, that I've been 'seeing'. Mostly we've been texting and I've seen him a few times, but it seems like things are going okay. I asked him when we started talking if this was working towards a relationship or if it was just for fun. I've grown to the point that I don't really mind either way, I just felt like I deserved to know. So I've known from the get-go that this is just for fun. Well the other night I had one of my crazy realistic dreams. In it, he arrived at my house during a party we were having. We just showed up out of the blue and asked to talk to me outside. I followed him and he told me that he really wanted to meet my parents. So I went and got them and he told them that he would like to take me out because even though we haven't known each other very long that he knew I was special. Then he came inside with me and started introducing himself to people from my church. I woke up in the morning and felt exceedingly empty, I hadn't realized how badly I wanted to be with him. So, is my subconscious just trying to make me realize and come to terms with something I've probably known all along, or is it just trying to screw with my brain and hurt me? Either way, sometimes it really sucks to have such on over-active imagination.

From the lips of the innocent

It never ceases to amaze me the things that kids will say. This week I've been teaching Vacation Bible School at my church and I've learned that Bill Cosby got one thing right, 'kids say the darndest things'. I had one kid make fun of another because he had 'squinty eyes', I had another tell me that his dad can't come and see him sing tonight because 'he's in jail because he did bad things'. There are so many times when I don't even have a response for these tiny people that I just blankly stare at them hoping and praying for appropriate words to come together in my brain. I think that thing that most suprises me about what these kids say is the vast difference in what they say. I had one boy tell me that I was very pretty, it made my night. I felt really good about myself because kids simply tell it like it is. Then another girl crushed my super happy high. She was asking me things that she felt made me a grown up. She asked me if I had a house, so I said no. She asked me if I had an apartment, and I said no. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend, and when I said no she gave me a horrified look and said "you don't even have a boyfriend!?" In her eyes I was a failure, because not only did I not have a place of my own yet, I also had no one special in my life. In my eyes I'm perfectly fine. I'm in school on my way towards graduation and I don't need a man to make me happy. It's funny how different the world looks through such a small pair of eyes, when big people are supposed to have houses and cars and families. But one thing about working with kids is for sure, they'll always keep you on your toes.

What's fair is fair

I've been thinking a lot about this statement recently. When we're children our parents and teachers teach us to share with our siblings/classmates because it's fair. My parents always split everything right down the middle because then it was fair. If my brother got a snack, I wanted one too, it's only fair right? In bible study two weeks ago we talked about grace, and how grace isn't fair. In a video we watched a man told us to spread the unfairness around. He decided that grace wasn't fair because none of us deserve it and yet, we recieve. It continues to astound me at how the lessons our parents taught us as children change with age. I'm now much too old to assume that I get something because my brother does, but it doesn't stop that tiny feeling of neglect that is embedded in my subconsious from the time I was a small child. Now, understandably we can't all look at the world with child-like innocence for our entire lives, I mean, we'd be completely screwed. And heaven forbid we look for the good in people or give them second chances, then we're just naive. But back to the idea of fairness. I've been told for a good portion of recent history that life isn't fair. Miracles don't happen more often then they do. Young people die just as often as the old. And crappy things happen to good people too, not just people who deserve it. Maybe our adult lives would be easier to deal with if our parents had taught us that we will get screwed over by people who told us they care about us, that no matter how we prepare for the worst that life will knock you flat on your back, and that bad things will happen no matter how good you are or how much faith you have. But I guess then we'd just be raising generation after generation of incredibly cynical children. It's these kinds of thoughts that keep me up at night. Why in the world would my parents want me at the age of four to believe that the world is fair when by the age of ten that idea will be completely shattered, if not sooner. Maybe our folks want us to grow up believing that we can change the world into the perfect one they lied to us about. Everyone is always telling me that it's the hard parts of life that define you as a person and that without hard times you can's really experience true happiness. I'd like to call those people on their bullsh*t. I believe that you can find happiness without having truly terrible things happen to you. Sure, it's easier to find the happy once you've had the heartbreak, but that just doesn't seem fair. And there's that word again. Its really been hanging over my head and whenever I've talked to someone it nags me in the back of my mind, 'is that fair?'. Like my mom, she's not even 50 yet, but both of her parents have been gone for at least a year. My dad is in his mid 50's but both of his parents are completely functioning, independent people. That's not fair. My grandma died of cancer after living her entire life as a nurse helping people. My grandpa smoked for between 30 and 40 years, had multiple heart attacks, and died because he broke his hip. What's fair about any of that? A man who is like my second father was laid off even though he was amazing at his job and had 30 of experience and now he can't find any new work. Not fair. My childhood lessons about being an adult didn't prepare me for this kind of blind injustice. If this was truly the world I had been prepared for we'd be a communist nation. Everyone would have just as much as their neighbor, there would be no homeless and no ridiculously rich. But would we be happy then? Would we believe that the world was fair or would we assume that there was still some injustice? 'Well his house is blue and my house is yellow and so that's completely unfair.' Maybe we were unconsiously conditioned by our parents to constantly want more than we have been given. Or perhaps they did this to us on purpose because they never wanted us to settle for anything. Or maybe in a sick and twisted way, they taught us in this way to get some revenge because their parents did the same thing. A mix of all three? I think the most twisted part of the whole thing is that I realize that the world isn't fair, but that I expected it to be beause of what my parents taught me, and I'll probably end up teaching my kids the same thing. I'd like to think that we're taught this lesson in the vain hope on the part of our parents that our generation would've been able to change the inheriant unfairness in this world. But can anyone really make anything fair?

Road trips

My absolute part of road trips is probably the part that everyone else hates. I love being the only one awake at night other than the driver and it being pitch black outside. There's something about the absolute quiet that helps me to think. In my opinion, it's the best time to really evaluate who you are, why you are, and take a good look at life. I got to think about my family and how much they mean to me, I got to really think about why I hate so Foe much, and I took a long look at where I want my life to go. It was super nice to just get a few minutes to myself with thought being the main focus of my time. What I came up with was that I'm pretty happy with every aspect of my life right now, and that's a super good feeling.

I Hate My Face

I have an obsession, and it's called MTV's TrueLife. It is so great. You get a really in-depth look at someone's personal life and how they deal with a certain issue in their life. However, the episode that I'm currently watching has me so upset that I can hardly make coherent sentences. I've learned about two very pretty girls who hate their faces. This is far beyond normal female insecurities. One girl literally called her mother to ask her if she was born deformed. What the hell is wrong with you!? She was out with her boyfriend and she said that she felt like he would leave her because she was so ugly. The very next day she was chewing him out and threatening to leave him. For goodness sake! He obviously loves you or he wouldn't be with your stupid butt. Then she saw a therapist and she said that it would be too hard to try and fix her self confidence. She decided to get a nose job instead of seeing a therapist. She's going to fix her nose and if she still feels ugly then she'll possibly see the therapist. Goodness gracious woman! Be a freakin adult and face the face that something is wrong in your brain and nothing is wrong with your face. And honestly, if you're not going to try to get some help then I would love it if you would just shut up. You are beautiful, and you have a man that absolutely loves you just the way you are, so you must be doing something right. Either grow up and realize that you have a problem that someone is willing to help you with or just cram it because I can't stand listening to you whine! The other girl, is engaged and she refuses to get married until she gets plastic surgery. She's gorgeous and her fiance' tells her that she's beautiful all the time. She even works as a model! I don't understand that! If you really hate the way you look so much then why in the heck are you showing off by modeling! You're just a freakin idiot! I truly just don't understand people who don't accept the body that God gave you. He made you exactly how He wanted you, and that makes you beautiful. You are a beauty, so stop acting like a 13 year old girl and grow up.

Useless Musings

So, occasionally I like to think about impossible things. I sometimes refer to these 'what ifs' as the result of my musing time. Usually these impossible thoughts come from days like today, where I did almost nothing and was by myself the whole day so I had plenty of time to think. I've firmly decided that if I could take back the last ten years of my life, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is not a statement that I've regretted the last ten years of my life, it's just my way of saying that if I could be a perpetual ten year old I would. I know that you're probably thinking, 'but isn't that a giant leap backward, and I thought you were so proud of the person you are', and don't get me wrong, I've thought about it. I am proud of who I am, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't give up the life I have now to re-embrace the carefree ten year old I once was. I decided upon ten because I feel like that's when I had to start facing the world as the harsh place I've found it to be. Ten was before I experienced death for the first time with my grandmother, ten was before my cousin moved in and threatened to tear my family apart, it was before I realized how little my dad's mother cared about me, it was before I found out about death, disease, and drugs. At the same time, I believe that if everyone was given the chance to pick a simpler age to spend the rest of their life at, we'd have most of the population under the age of thirteen. Maybe it's just because I'm looking back on it, but I do truly miss the pressure-less existence that I experienced as a kid. Luckily, I don't think that there will ever be a time when we can just stop ourselves at a certain age, and even then the harsh world would still find us. I guess the trick is to just not look back, because then you increase your chances of getting hit in the face with something in the present. See the ridiculous things I think about when I'm left to my own devices? Just another day of useless musings.

A Contradictory Creature

Lately I've been feeling like there's two seperate people inside my body. Almost like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of situation. Some days I can't stand people in general and I absolutely need to be alone. Other days, like right now, I feel like I need people because I'm so painfully lonely. And I can't seem to make up my mind about anything. This semester is going to be over in less than three weeks, and part of me is so excited because I'm ready for a break, and part of me is wishing that the semester would keep going because I have nothing lined up for my summer yet. It's my fault that I don't even have a job yet for summer, because I let my professor destroy my confidence and didn't even apply for an internship. On top of that, I just can't seem to make a clear decision on anything, even if it's completely unimportant. It seems beyond me to even decide what to eat for lunch. It makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me? If I can't make decisions now, what's it going to be like when I actually have to make difficult decisions? I used to be able to hear what my heart was telling me to do under all the other noise of what my mind was telling me to do, and what other people were telling me what to do. Now I can't hear it. Did my heart catch laringitis, or have I been not paying attention to it long enough that it quit giving me advice? Is this why I can't make a decision, or is this why there's two different girls fighting inside my brain? I wish I could just figure out why there is so much conflict within myself. Is there conflict within everyone and it just seems like mine is overwhelming? But more important than any of my other questions, how do I bite the bullet and let everything work itself out when I'm not even happy where I'm at anymore?

What will I do without philosophy?

I absolutely love my philosophy class, and I have no idea what I'm going to do without this class next semester. Today we were discussing Karl Marx's ideas about alienated labor. In his opinion, we hate our jobs because we can't express oursleves through them, and so we express ourselves through the things we buy instead. And I couldn't help but think how blessed I am that I am studying for a career that lets me express myself and that I'm completely in love with. I may not ever make any money, but I will always have something that I love to do. It's nice that my class that has nothing to do with theater, keeps reinforcing my decision to be a theater major. Any questions that I had about my choice keep disappearing. I'm glad that everything for my future is just starting to gel together. Now I really can't wait to get my life started.

The Loss of Innocence

I've lost my innocence, and I mean that in the most innocent of ways. It feels like everything that has to do with my life is so completely complex and confusing, when just a few short years ago everything was simple. As a little kid, I was worried about who I was going to play with at recess and what I wanted for lunch. Now I'm worried about my finances, my health, my family dynamic, you name it and it probably worries me. I guess I'm making carefree synonymous with innocence, but I think they go hand in hand. My innocence didn't get ripped out of my grasp really quick, it slipped so slowly through my fingers that I didn't even realize what was happening. Then it hit me all at once that it was gone. The ridiculous things about my life are just standard now. I've had family go to jail. I've had friends that have spent time in jail. I have friends with drug problems. Good friends have died. Things I never thought would ever happen to me are just part of my daily life now, and it bothers me how I've come to so easily accept them. Now I'm left asking myself: is this just part of growing up, or is the world going to hell and we're along for the ride?

Growing up or growing old?

It seems to me that everyone my age is speeding towards this idea of 'adulthood' so fast that they aren't even enjoying how things are right now. Don't get me wrong, I like being considered an 'adult', but I also love just being a college student. In the end, it comes down to me. I don't have to take care of anyone else, and I'm completely free to make decisions that are best for me. If I was married, I'd have to think about what's best for us. It'd be even worse if I had a baby. Then it wouldn't even be about me and my husband, it'd be about my husband and baby. Would I even finish college if I had a kid? It just doesn't make sense to me that people would rush into all the responsibilities of life this early. Spouses and kids make things so much more complicated. College should be a time to pick what you want to do for the rest of your life and continue growing into the person you're meant to be. Yet, it seems everyone I know is either married, engaged, pregnant, has a baby, or at the very least is in a serious relationship. Is it so terrible and backward that I'm perfectly happy being single? Yes, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with when I've had a crummy day, and I'd like to have someone in my life, but that's not my priority right now. I'm worried about me, and I won't let anyone make me feel less because I decided to take care of my needs first, and let the family stuff come later. In no way am I ready for marriage right now anyway. I might be growing up still, but there's no need for me to hurry up and get married and get working on growing old.

A fresh coat of paint, and a new outlook

About a month ago, my cousin Foe moved out of my parent's house. For a little background, he's been living with us since we were 11(and if you recall I just turned 20). Like the ungrateful jerk he is, he moved out while both of my parents were at work and didn't tell them or my brother about his plans. Above anything he did to my parents, he really betrayed my older brother. When everyone else, including me, gave up on my cousin my brother was always there for him and always loved him. A mutal friend of the three of us had to tell my brother that Foe had moved out. He just really hurt every member of my family with his actions. My mom called me later that week and told me what had happened. I could hear in her voice how hurt she was and that she felt like a failure. It really hurt me because I was away at school and couldn't do anything to help anyone from 200 miles away. However, when I came home for spring break this week I had an epiphany. I saw how depressing his old room looked, and that just brought down the mood of my home because his doorway is at the end of the hallway. I decided that the room needed new paint. I spent three full days of my vacation repainting his old room. The room looks completely different now, and it makes me feel great that something so simple could change the feeling of my home. My mom really loves the look of the room now, and we're planning on turning the room into a spare bedroom/craft room for my mom. Mom doesn't want to make too many changes until we're sure that Foe can make it on his own. But honestly, I don't ever want him to come back. He treated my family like crap, and he was never grateful for all the chances that my parents gave him. I guess, in a way, repainting the room was good for me too. I closed a very painful part of my life, and now I feel like I'm free to move on. Foe, I know you'll never read this but don't come back, we're so much better off without you. Good luck with your new life, I guess.

The beauty of being who you are

I will turn 20 at the end of this week. It seems like society at large is telling me, "Grow up! You're not a teenager anymore and you need to act like an adult now!" But I think that's crap. I'm actually planning an ambush attack on a friend of mine with squirt guns on my actual birthday. I love that I have friends in my life who accept me exactly the way that I am. There are people in my life who love that I am silly, spontaneous and that I can act like a twelve year old and turn around and have an incredibly philosophical conversation with them. At the same time, I know that people judge me by my actions and say that I'm immature or that there's no future for me unless I change. To that, I again say that's crap. Life is so short, why shouldn't I enjoy it in exactly the way that I want to? If I want to attack a friend with squirt guns then that's my decision. And if I want to go sledding and make snow angels until I can't feel my feet anymore it shouldn't effect you in any way. So come friday when I turn 20 I'm going to be no different than I have been. I plan on having fun, and enjoying my life exactly as it was meant to be enjoyed. I've been given a gift, hell, you've been given a gift. Love every minute of your life, because this is the only one you get. Don't ever let anyone hold you back from the simple happiness that you deserve because 'you're too old to act like that'. Be happy, be immature, have fun, love life.

An unfortunate success story

I'm kind of ashamed to admit this. Earlier today I just wasn't having a good day. I felt gross about myself, and I needed to fix this problem. So, in order to make myself feel better I sent a text to a guy I haven't spoken to in awhile, but that I know likes me. I feel bad about this because I'm not completely sure that I care about him in the same way. I only text him because I knew he would tell me that I'm pretty and make me feel better. I even got exactly what I wanted, he made me feel better about myself and kinda fixed my day. Unfortunately, I successfully used another human being. I never wanted to be the kind of person who used someone else for what they could do for me, but it seems that that's exactly the kind of person I am. I hope that in the coming days and months I can prove to myself that I only did this in a moment of weakness, and this is not the type of person I'm turning into.

Fear of Loss

Fear is an incredible thing. It makes people do things outside of their comfort zones, it makes people do absolutely nothing at all, and it keeps people living at all. I've used fear as a motivator for the last few years of my life. It makes me take every chance I can, so that I don't wonder what could have been. It makes me appreciate every day that I have because it could be the last. But fear is too general. The fear of loss is such an intense form of fear that it can make someone do almost anything. Because of the people I've lost, I've changed the way I interact with the world. I've lost people to cancer, so I'll never smoke to cut down my chances. I've seen people loose their ability to function from drugs, so I'll never touch them. I'm afraid of loosing my life, so I take my medicine to keep myself healthy. What are you so afraid of losing that it motivates you? Simply by knowing what motivates you, it can change everything.

Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy

Sometimes the thoughts in my head truly scare me. The other night I was watching Celebrity Rehab, and they were talking about people who use drugs to medicate themselves. It was scary where my mind went after that. My family on both sides have very addictive personalities. Some are addicted to food, others to drugs, and even others to making bad decisions. Then I thought about all the pain that I've been dealing with lately. My back is constantly in pain no matter what I've done that day. I considered how easy it would be to get ahold of drugs on my college campus and try to numb the pain I've been fighting. This almost literally broke my heart. I couldn't imagine how far I'd fallen to even consider such a terrible thing. I'd completely ruin the amazing life I enjoy right now if I even tried to medicate myself. I'm not sure how to make it up to myself that I even considered doing such a terrible thing to my body. But I have to come up with a way soon, because I feel so guilty about it.

Today was a happiness day

It all started with my classes, they were pretty good. Then I was walking through the union when I saw Luke and I got this wierd feeling in my stomach. I feel bad about the way I've been treating him for the past few months. To catch you up, I told him that I needed space to figure out how I felt about him. Needless to say, I didn't recieve the needed space. So, I got overwhelmed and dropped him like a hot potato. And since then I've been avoiding him, which is difficult because he lives in my building and because his cousin is my next door neighbor. I knew I had felt bad about doing this to a very nice guy, but I didn't realize how bad until today. So I waited for him to catch up with me and I gave him a heartfelt apology for the way I'd treated him. If felt so good to get something that bad off my chest. Then later, my good friend, Catchphrase came over and we went to a NO H8 photo shoot. It was a photo shoot for the equality of gays and lesbians, and it just made me feel good to participate in something that has such a great message. AND Project Runway is on tonight, so this has just been a wonderful day. I hope it's been good for you too.

I'm in love with Philosophy

Today we were discussing Plato's Apology in which Socrates is defending himself in a court of law. This led to a discussion of the "greatest things". Collectively we decided that these were the biggest and most pressing unanswerable questions facing us. And that all led me to wonder, what's the most pressing question in my exsistence? I'd like to say that it's something about my future, or where I'm going after this life, or something to do with love. But it's so much more selfish than that. I'd have to say that it would either be 'what was the purpose behind me getting sick', or 'do people actually care about me'. At the same time, I wonder if we don't have the answers to life's biggest questions because we couldn't handle the answers. I mean, what would I do if I asked if people really care about me and I was told no? Or if I asked why did I get sick, and I'm told there's no reason, I just felt like giving you crap to deal with. It's human nature to constantly question the universe, but I don't think it's actually important for us to know the answers. Life is difficult enough without dwelling on the answers we'll never get. But it is nice every once in a while to just let your mind wander and think about all the things you've ever wanted to know about anything and everything. Just make sure to leave bread crumbs because it's no good to get lost in philosophy when your real life is passing you by.

Ourselves vs. Others

How come it is so very easy for us to tell when someone else isn't fulfilling their full potential? You know, everyone has that friend that is so talented, but it working a terrible job where their talents are wasted. Or that friend that dates so far beneath them that it almost makes you sick.

I have a cousin who I've looked up to my entire life because she was such a strong female role model for me. She's been working dead-end jobs her whole life, and hasn't been taking good care of herself for the past several years. She smokes and hasn't tried to get a better job. I hate seeing her at Christmas and Thanksgiving because she just looks a little worse each time I see her. It breaks my heart knowing that such a strong woman has been chewed up by the world and has been spit out a mere shell of her former self. She deserves so much more from her life than she's getting, and she just doesn't see it.

And I have this friend, let's call him Big Red, that is a great guy. Well, we were at a dance this weekend and he was all over a particular girl. She's nice and everything, but she's just not good enough for him. Maybe he's settling, or maybe he's just lonely, but it doesn't seem fair to sell yourself so short.

All this brings me to the 'vs. ourselves' part. We constantly as human beings sell ourselves short. We tell ourselves, "We don't deserve someone as good as them", or "I don't deserve that promotion at work", or even "I don't deserve to have a job simply because it makes me happy". Screw all that! You as an individual deserve anything and everything that you are willing to work for. At the same time, I have to laugh quietly to myself because I can't take my own advice. I settle, I feel worthless at times, I even try to tell myself that I deserve so little so that I feel better about what I have. What is so different about seeing things in others and seeing things within yourself? You say things to yourself that if a friend told you the same thing you'd berate them for being so down on themselves. There is a double standard that we put in place between us and those that we care about. I can only ask why don't we care enough about ourselves to break down the double standard and work for what we deserve?

A letter to my comfort zone

Dear Comfort Zone,

You suck, a lot. You hold me back and make me second guess myself. However, I enjoy your company so much that I rarely leave you, and instantly once I do, I feel out-of-place. How dare you take away my adventurous side when it comes to my professional life. I don't mind getting away from you when it comes to friends or various things in my personal life, but when I'm trying to work you're crushing me! And then, because I'm uncomfortable I get sarcastic to hide what I'm really feeling. I hate that I allow you to make me into an unbearable person to be around. You're so aggravating! I can't stand you anymore! I wish you'd just back off and leave me to feel more comfortable in a wider range of places. So, after all these happy years we've spent together, I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you. We'll hopefully be seeing a LOT less of each other, because honestly I can't stand the sight of your face. And feel free to stop by when I'm not home to come and get all your crap out of my life. So, I guess this is goodbye, so bye.

Absolutely no love,
Andrea

Please excuse the following rant

If you're at all like me, you've been watching Lifetime, when nothing better is on tv, and have heard about the movie The Pregnancy Pact. I was intrigued by the commercials, so last night I settled in to watch a movie about teenage pregnancy. Quickly, I was drawn into the story about a high school with 18 pregnant teens. However, the ignorant parents of these teens infuriated me beyond all reason. They refused to talk to their kids about how to prevent pregnancy if they chose to have sex, and they shamed their kids into being to scared to purchase condoms. As unfortunate as it is, kids younger and younger are becoming sexually active and they are not taking the steps needed to protect themselves. I've written two different papers on this subject that have led me to the same conclusion: kids need sexual education where they are taught about how to prevent pregnancy and STD's. Through writing these papers I've found some very disturbing facts: kids are more likely to become pregnant or contract an STD if they are given abstinence only sex ed, and the average age for kids starting to engage in oral sex is 12! Unless we start getting some better education out there for kids we're going to have an entire generation of kids who are either pregnant or have STDs. Something absolutely has to be done or else kids are going to keep completely changing the course of their lives for one night of fun, and in my opinion that's a tragedy.

Instant hope

I love the unexpected. Tonight I got an e-mail from the leader of my support group for my skin disorder. She instructed all of us to talk to our doctors and become part of a study. The National Institute of Health has given a docter in Texas $6 million to do genetic research on my disease. It gives me hope for the future that others won't have to deal with what I have. And it makes me smile to know that there is enough care and concern for people who have my disease that they would even study it at all. It warms my heart and makes me smile. I have great hope for a future where joints are easy to use, and lungs breath a lot easier.

Snow

It's funny how just a few hours can change your outlook on things. About a half hour after my last post I got a text from a friend that I assumed to be in Seattle. She told me that she would be in town in about an hour. My stomach was instantly filled with tons of butterflies that were so excited to see my friend that I hadn't seen since last summer. We spent time together walking in the snow and trading stories from high school and just loving each other's company. On my way home after parting with my friends I had a little bit of a walk all by myself. I watched the snow fall so lightly through the air, and listened to the absolute silence that had dropped over my world. I could clearly hear my feet shuffling through the new white snow, even the cars that passed didn't make a sound. This quiet was so refreshing, not killing me as it did earlier that day. It was the same, but completely different in so many ways. In that quiet moment, I found myself smiling for no reason at all. And just because of that, I know I'm moving out of my rut.

Quiet

I've been finding myself with lots of quiet time to be alone with my thoughts. More appropriately I'd say I was forced into being with my thoughts. Unfortunately my thoughts have been so all over the place that I can't even settle with a single topic for my blog. It just feels like everything is so up-in-the-air that I'm left without anything to stand on. I don't feel like I'm falling, it's more like being stuck. At the heart of it, I think I'm in a rut. Which, if I am in a rut, is the lamest thing I can think of. I mean, I've only been back up at school for two weeks and I already feel the need to bust out of this b*tch? Grr! But the only reason that I can come up with for being so restless these past few days is because I need a change. So I guess the best question is what do I need to change? Do I just need less quiet in my life so I don't think about bizarre things like this, or do I need to get out of the proverbial 'house' more? All I know is I'm tired of all this quiet. At first, it was nice to just sit back and relax, but now that I just had a full month of that in Phoenix, I'm ready to spend more time with my friends and do some crazy stuff. No matter what it is, I need to get it figured out quick and get it done, before all this quiet drives me absolutely crazy!

Love Never Fails

At one point in time, I believe this saying was true. But sadly, I really don't believe in it's truth in this day and age. My love has failed people. When it hurts me more than it helps me, I've taken back my love from people who probably needed it. And in the same respect, people have taken love away from me when I've needed it. I feel like we live in a day-and-age where divorce is more common than marriage, and people are constantly being abused physically and emotionally by the ones they love. I guess when it comes right down to it though, love doesn't ever fail, it's people who fail. People who can't commit to loving someone who needs them, people who take advantage of the many chances they've been given and continue to disappoint, and people who plain just like to feel love so they take advantage of the love given to them by innocent people. But I'm not bitter about any of those at all... anyway... so love is an emotion, and it can't be blamed for the ridiculous things people do in it's name. It's like God being held responsible for the wack-a-doos out there blowing themselves up in His name, not fair to the Big Man or His reputation. Then it seems that the saying is true, love doesn't ever fail, it's the humans who use it who fail. Now I don't feel like such a dork for still believing in love. It needs someone to treat it right just as badly as I do.

An Aha Moment from God

So I've been looking for moments of grace in my life. You know, the little moments when something that seems so insignificant happens and it makes you feel at peace, that's grace. Well, this week I had to visit the doctor yet again, and while sitting in her office something 'graceful' happened. There were only two copies of the same magazine inside her office. With no other option I picked up 'Arthritis Today', or something like that. The cover story was about dealing with the body image issues that go along with your diagnosis. I've been having a lot of issues with my body image ever since I was diagnosed with morphea. If the article in itself wasn't enough of a 'graceful' moment, the author of the article quoted a prayer that I've said in my darkest moments to bring the light. You may have heard of it, it's called the Serenity Prayer and it goes a little like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It article went on to say that you should focus on the things you love about yourself rather than dwell on what you see yourself as physically. And it even suggested posting a note by your bed or on your mirror saying that people love you for who you are not what you look like or what you can do. My moment of grace was continued today during church. We sang one of my all time favorite songs, 'You are Mine'. The ultimate message behind it is that God will love you, and will take away all your pain, and He'll bring you home. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that it makes me cry every time I hear it. I've found a deep peace inside that I can physically feel, and I know that it's God calming my heart and telling me that everything will work out okay.

It seems I'm a glutton for punishment

So, I've let Stupid back into my life. It seems like I want to let him hurt me again. As a friend told me, I could do so much better than him. But, I don't feel the need to do any better. I'm okay with settling for a guy that left me high and dry for another girl, and didn't even bother to tell me that he found someone better. I think I'm just so lonely that a guy who treats me like I'm not good enough is better than nothing. I can't stand that I'm so passive about this when I know deep down I deserve someone who at least gives a crap about me. Eh, I leave to head back up to school in less than a week and this should all end there. At least, I hope it does.