The way things are, and the way I wish things were

It appears that most, if not all, the men in my life leave me. We're tight, and close and everything until they move, or until something happens. Whether it's drugs or emotional battery or whatever, something always happens. But when it comes right down to it, it's my fault. They hurt me and I push them away to try and make things easier for myself. I've been rejected by guys I loved, by guys that were like my brother, and by guys that I actually thought I meant something to. And none of them want hardly anything to do with me anymore. So why is it the one guy that still has me all wound up wants me around, sorta. There is no reason that I should still be attached to him, but I am. He didn't want to work for what we might have had and broke things off with lame excuses. But he's around. I hate that I still care about him. I hate that I can't be the cold hearted b*tch that would make everything easier. And most of all I hate that I completely believed him when he said that he cared about me too much to not be in my life at all anymore. I was mostly over this. I was done with these feelings and they were in a little pocket deep inside my tummy where I wouldn't have to think about them anymore. However, that was before my questionable drunken talk with this guy. I hated talking to him, but I couldn't make myself stop. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, and I drank it all in. That was a week ago. We had made plans to talk about it, and to really work things out, and it never happened. And now I'm stuck with this hurt again. With this 'does he actually care about me' hurt. And it's so hard to live with this and not be able to tell any of my friends. I can't tell them that I still care, and that he is still able to hurt me. I can't tell them that this is like the breakup all over again. I can't tell them it feels as though I swallowed a tiny knife, and if I lay still enough and don't breathe it doesn't hurt. But add in the tiniest movement and it hurts all over again. What is it about this guy that has me so messed up!? What's wrong with the way my brain is functioning right now!?