Through true sadness can we find utter joy

Sometimes I'm surprised by how much events from my past, can still effect me in the present. When I was growing up, my mom needed to go back to work, so my dad's aunt babysat for my brother and I for the first 12 years of my life. I got really close with her three kids since I spent everyday with them. Around the time I was in junior high, we noticed that something was wrong with my cousin Concierge*. He had rich friends his entire life, and since they had money, they could get their hands on drugs. He ended up with a heroin problem, and he stole from his mother, his sister, and his brother. I haven't seen him in almost six years, and I'll probably never see him again. I was talking to some very close girl friends last night, and I told them this story. Tears welled in my eyes, without any real details and even after so much time had passed. This really showed me how much of who I am has been shaped by my past and especially by my family. I think this is the kind of thing that has led me to believe the way I do about people. Even though Concierge truly hurt me, and that the wounds he caused continue to hurt, I still believe the best in people, and I still truly love him because he is my family. My heart is open to a world that has the great potential to crush me. As a very good friend put it today, 'You don't do anything half-assed. You are completely into loving those who are around you.' I'm truly happy with those that I love because my heart has seen so much sadness. In a sense, I don't think that anyone could really appreciate being happy unless they had seen how bad things can get. I miss Concierge very much, and I hate that I'll probably never get to meet his toddler daughter. But this has taught me to really appreciate the people in my life, because I never know when and if they'll walk out of my life.



*This term is french for caretaker. I felt it was appropriate since he helped raise me. I'm sticking to the idea that this blog was all my idea, so it's my choice to share details about my life with you, however, since others don't have this same say I'll give them all aliases.