Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I guess it's about time for some semi-profound thoughts

I guess I really haven't been feeling so introspective lately, which is why I haven't written since April. But also, not a lot has happened. I moved to Tulsa for the summer. And this has led me to call this the 'Summer of Insight'. I'm working for a company that I don't intend on returning to. I like most of the people I work with, but the company overall has some communication issues that drive me bonkers. And I'm living in this sort of limbo because I know that I'm getting my job at home back, but now I don't have an apartment so it will be a mad dash to get one when I get back. But more than just that I'm kind of dreading seeing Tye Dye again. I haven't seen him since October, and I haven't spoken to him since March. However, now that I'm mostly over being super pissed off that he forgot my birthday, I'm kinda missing him again. I feel like that just can't be healthy at this point in the game. We're going on a year of being broken up here, but this damn wound seems to refuse to heal. More than any of this that has me kind of nervous, I'm upset with myself. I have realized that I've become a bitter person. Before I feel like I was delightfully cynical with a dark sense of humor, but now I honestly cannot stand some people. It's like my brain has shut off that part of itself where I can remember what it was like to be 17 and super excited about a job, or how it feels to be 19 and away from home for the first extended period of time. I constantly catch a little voice in the back of my head saying 'I don't care', or 'Why don't you shut the hell up?' I hate that this is what I've become. I'm not sure if it is the unsatisfactory working conditions that make me feel this way or if this is a new facet to my personality, but I really hate it. I can't help but wonder, what happened to the lively young woman I was? Where did she go? Is she still around, or did the world stomp her to death? I know that I'm the only one in control of my attitude, but I'm feeling less and less in control all the time. Is everything spinning out from under me, or am I just using it as an excuse to think bad things about people I don't particularly like?

1 comment:

  1. It can be hard to remember the thrills of younger days because we become so used to things as we grow. We get so dedicated to something that soon it becomes less a passion and more a job. The man who plays piano on a cruise ship will eventually grow tired of oceans and Billy Joel requests. Such is life: when you stay close to something, you might forget just how special that thing really is, and some days you have to step back and say to yourself, "Wow... I'M ON A BOAT."

    The person you used to be may get knocked down, but it never disappears. There's always a chance to find that wonderful person full of the joy of life. Sometimes, you just forget what it is that truly gives you that joy. Exemplum: every now and then, I'll get tired of swing dancing or playing music or performing my poetry or whatever else. And sometimes, taking a break is well-deserved. But I always find my way back to these things because I never forget what really makes me feel joyful: making people smile. I come back to these things because I always remember that goofy turn I do, or that song everybody loves, or that clever rhyme that nobody expects, and the first time I get a good laugh, I can't help but be back in the game.

    Here's what I recommend, but feel free to get someone else's opinion: One night, when you have free time with yourself, find the joy. Do something that is guaranteed to get you excited. Play songs you haven't heard since high school. Cook something you've been craving. Take a long, guaranteed interruption-free bath. Build a blanket fort, and fall asleep with a movie starring your celebrity crush. Wear a silly hat. Doesn't matter how small: do something you know you'll enjoy. Don't settle for "pretty good" or "it's all right, I suppose": find something to make you glad to be alive. For just one night, if you start it, and it feels more like work than joy, give it five minutes, and then find something else. When you find the joy of doing something because you honestly love doing it, you find a big fact about who you are. Write that down. Keep it near you. And whenever you're done doing things for other people, find what you've written, and see if you can do something for yourself.

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