It's been rough

Life lately has been less than pleasant. I've had a few people in my life die recently, including my life long neighbor who used to watch my brother and I when we had forgotten our house keys. She would give us snacks and play games with us. Unfortunately I had not visited her in quite a while when she died. And I'm not making friends in Phoenix quite like I hoped. I really have one friend in town. I had a group of guys that I was close with, mostly because I had been close with one of them since high school. However, he moved away in December, and I mostly lost touch with the group. But one by one, they tried to connect with me. We'd hang out, watch movies and mostly just spend time together. Then I'd find out that they mostly just wanted to get me into bed, and when they found out that was not going to happen they dropped me like I was on fire. I'm not sure why the universe feels like I deserve to be used by men because I only want friends right now, but I feel like I've had enough. I almost wish that I didn't love my job so much, because then I would just pack up and leave when my contract is up and never look back. Phoenix has never really held much for me, and since I went away to school, it has never been home. I miss the life I has just a short year ago. I miss the happiness I had, I miss everything I used to have.

Acceptance

"Only when we accept the full and honest truth about ourselves can we really sleep."

Perhaps this is why I haven't slept well in months. Until today, I had yet to admit to my part in Tye Dye and I'd break up. I ignored him. When his depression was the worst and he would reach out to me and try to talk to me, I didn't want to hear it. I sometimes would even physically walk away when he would talk about it. I hate that I treated him this way. Somehow I felt that if I simply ignored it, that it would go away. And eventually he stopped talking to me about it. I thought that meant that things were going better, but he had just stopped coming to me about it. I turned a blind eye on a man I love because I was not equipped to handle the things he was going through. And it was completely unfair to him, he respected me for dealing with my disease. He wasn't with me in spite of my disease, or because of it. He accepted it as part of who I am. And I didn't have the common decency to treat him with the same respect. I did not realize the depths of depression until we broke up. I didn't admit to how awful he could feel. I'm the only one to blame for this short coming. I could spew some crap about my stinted childhood, but the blame game never made anyone a better person. I screwed up. I failed. I failed him. I failed myself. And I failed the 'us' that used to be. Maybe now that he called me out on this subject, and I've admitted my fault perhaps we'll have a chance. I didn't want to admit that we would never had a chance until I admitted this to myself. I probably would have never admitted it if Tye Dye wouldn't have flat out told me. I think I miss his honesty the most. He always tried to make me at least be honest with myself. Even if we never make it back together, I now know all kinds of things about myself that I downright do not like, maybe that I even hate. But at least when I'm actually honest with myself I will be able to sleep?

Because I feel like I should

I've continued trying to date. Not because I want to, because I feel like it is expected of me. I feel like four months out of a break up one is supposed to be committed to trying to find another life mate. But it doesn't feel right. I made a mess of a situation with this guy. He's nice and everything, and I do like him, but I hate myself more for how I feel I've treated him. He has no idea that I'm still in love with my ex, or that I'm still harboring ideas of marrying him eventually. We've been on a couple dates, and he kissed me, but it felt like I was cheating on Tye Dye. I cried and debated the whole way home about whether or not to tell Tye Dye, but decided no because what would that actually accomplish? I don't want to be lonely and unhappy anymore, but everything I feel like I should be trying to do is making things worse. And this might sound absolutely silly, but I feel like I've been getting signs from God. Maybe you call it the universe but you know what I'm talking about. It seems like every time I'm in the car I hear a song about waiting for love or struggling with love through the bad times. It is true that these songs are incredibly popular right now which explains them being overplayed right now, but they very obviously change the way I feel. The first time I heard 'I won't give up' I felt this overwhelming peace and understanding. I can't imagine that this is just a coincidence, I feel like it was a sign that if I can be strong enough we'll be together again someday. Perhaps I'm just delusional, or perhaps it's true but either way it is helping me with everything that's happened.

I tried

I tried to move on. I went on a date. My first date since Tye Dye ad I split up. Nothing about it was right. He was nice, I enjoyed his company, but it wasn't right. I didn't feel right being there. I didn't feel like our personalities fit together. I had a conversation with my boss who is going through a break up herself. She flat out said, 'the more that I date the more that I realize they aren't (my other)'. It is nothing against these other people, but they just aren't the ones that still have our hearts. Now I'm conflicted whether or not to tell him about my ex. If I let the subject lie I feel like I'd be leading him on. I'm more damaged than he might want to deal with ad it's not fair. But maybe he wants nothing serious at all and I'm thinking more highly of myself than he does. I'm just not sure.

And on another different note. I've decided that I'm taking control over my healthcare. Well, kinda. I've decided that I'm not doing anymore tests that I don't feel like doing. If my skin disease has gone internal there is nothing that can be done for it that they aren't already doing to me/for me. So what's the point in worrying myself or in spending money I really don't have? So I'm supposed to get a ct scan and a pulmonary function test, but I say nay. I won't do it. Will my doctor be mad? Probably. Will other people be upset and not understand me? Absolutely. But this is my way of regaining my control over life. Is this in response to my uncontrollable love life? Perhaps. But whatever the reasons, I feel really good about my decision. I feel like I don't need to make myself or let myself worry about things I have no control over, and that's a really nice change from the way things have been.

So I'm reasserting my control over my life, and if I can't control my life, at least I can control how I feel about my life.

The continuing adventures of hurry up and wait

I'm in a constant space of waiting. And I've willingly put myself here. I saw Tye Dye last week in order to pick up some things that I had left at his apartment. Seeing him was really good at the same time that it was awful to heart wrenching proportions. We were nice, we asked how we were doing and we were more than civil to each other. But then he told me he was doing his best to get better, and I told him I missed him and he told me he missed me and loved me too. It isn't fair, to either of us. He wants to love me. He still cares about me, but there is something inside of his brain that won't allow him to. This depression monster has taken him away from me. I think it's almost worse without the finality of this break up. I'm waiting for him to get better because he still has my heart. I want nothing more than to be there for him, but that doesn't seem possible. I even want to say that in my heart of hearts I know he will get better, and that he'll come running back to me with arms wide open. But what if that's months from now? What if it's years? What if it never happens? My faith tells me that if I pray hard enough I'll find answers and that he can find healing, but what if it's not enough? When we were done talking I left and tried my damnedest not to cry on the walk to the car. I didn't quite make it and when I got in and closed the door I sobbed. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I cried for me, I cried for him, I cried for the 'us' that was lost. I cried because life is unfair, and I cried for the emptiness I feel without him. Later I sent him a text because I knew I had to ask but hadn't had the courage to do it in person. I asked him if he ever saw us getting back together he was completely honest. "Depends of if I can get better." A completely honest and real answer. It's what I asked for, and what I wanted. But it makes me wonder if I have given myself too much hope for our eventual future. At this point there are too many unknowns. I cannot reach a verdict. There are only so many options. Wait. Move forward. Run away. Leave. Stay. Wish. Hope. Yearn. Hurt. Never have I ever wished my life were a novel or a movie more than right now. I could skip ahead a half hour or a hundred pages and know how it ends up and then I could be content here, or at least know which way to turn. But I think I'll handle this the way that I handled getting lost in Walmart when I was six: run around for twenty minutes screaming for my mom, and then sit down and cry until someone who can help me comes along, and tells me where I can find her.

My indecisive heart

I've been told, as many of you probably have, since I was a little girl to follow my heart because then I will always end up happy. But what are we to do when our heart can't decide? My heart is being quiet with it's desires and I can't quite tell what it wants. Some of the time it reminds me that Tye Dye is gone and that it wants him back because it's still madly in love with him. Other times it tells me that it would be nice to find someone to casually flirt with because it would make me feel wanted again. And sometimes it even tells me that this is what getting over a break up feels like and that I won't ever get back with the man I still love. I don't know where to turn, and I can't get a hold on my feelings. So why did no one ever tell us that sometimes our heart can't decide and so we need to give it time? I wish it would hurry up and decide because I hate to hurry up and wait.

I really don't know

I can't do this. Not too long ago I thought I didn't need Tye Dye.  I thought I'd be better off without him, and I just don't think that can be true. I don't think I'll ever love anyone else as much as I love him. I'm still so madly in love with him. I can't not talk to his mom. I can't not think about him all the time. I miss him snuggling me. I miss playing with his hair. I feel like I look like I have my life together, and in a way I do. I'm making good money. I have a job I absolutely love. I'm living out my dreams, but I feel empty inside. There is a giant space in my heart that nothing will fill. Not my friends, not my family, not my job. I can't handle feeling so empty without having any idea of how to fix it or how to even begin closing it up. I just want him back.