I tried

I tried to move on. I went on a date. My first date since Tye Dye ad I split up. Nothing about it was right. He was nice, I enjoyed his company, but it wasn't right. I didn't feel right being there. I didn't feel like our personalities fit together. I had a conversation with my boss who is going through a break up herself. She flat out said, 'the more that I date the more that I realize they aren't (my other)'. It is nothing against these other people, but they just aren't the ones that still have our hearts. Now I'm conflicted whether or not to tell him about my ex. If I let the subject lie I feel like I'd be leading him on. I'm more damaged than he might want to deal with ad it's not fair. But maybe he wants nothing serious at all and I'm thinking more highly of myself than he does. I'm just not sure.

And on another different note. I've decided that I'm taking control over my healthcare. Well, kinda. I've decided that I'm not doing anymore tests that I don't feel like doing. If my skin disease has gone internal there is nothing that can be done for it that they aren't already doing to me/for me. So what's the point in worrying myself or in spending money I really don't have? So I'm supposed to get a ct scan and a pulmonary function test, but I say nay. I won't do it. Will my doctor be mad? Probably. Will other people be upset and not understand me? Absolutely. But this is my way of regaining my control over life. Is this in response to my uncontrollable love life? Perhaps. But whatever the reasons, I feel really good about my decision. I feel like I don't need to make myself or let myself worry about things I have no control over, and that's a really nice change from the way things have been.

So I'm reasserting my control over my life, and if I can't control my life, at least I can control how I feel about my life.