Too much to think about

I've had too much to think about lately. I can't stop thinking about Tye Dye and all I want to tell him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss texting him when I see an actor he would know in something else. I miss him being in my life. I miss being able to tell him about all the things that scare me. This point was really driven home today when my cousin reminded my that my great uncle has been dead for a whole year. I'm still afraid of him. I still hate him. It makes no sense, but even seeing someone who looks like him makes my skin crawl. No one really understood this until I met Tye Dye. And now I feel like I'm fighting this demon alone again. It seems so strange. I keep myself together at work, and I laugh and have a good time there. But as soon as I'm alone in my car I cry and can't keep myself together. I miss him so much my heart is still breaking. I just can't believe that he thought this would be better for me in the long run.

I am lost

I feel completely and utterly lost. I lost my best friend. I lost my nerdy partner in crime. I lost my support system. I lost Tye Dye. I can't even believe it. We were together for almost a year and a half. He told me to start planning the wedding, and we even had the name of our first daughter picked out. So what went so wrong. It's weird, I go to work and I feel like I have it together, but then I go anywhere alone and I fall apart. I cry, I talk to myself, I'm so out of sorts. It doesn't seem fair that with all that disease has taken away from me, that it should take him too. He wasn't at all the man I fell in love with anymore, but I understood that it wasn't really him. And now he won't let me be there for him anymore. And according to a chest x-ray I had this summer, my skin disease might have become systemic. It's a double blow really. He was always behind me and helped me not to worry about my disease, and now I don't know how to feel. I don't know if he'll want to know how things continue to work out with my health. I don't know if he'll go back to self destructive tendencies to help cope with his depression. I don't know if he'll want me back if and when he gets help and gets himself back to normal. So many things left unsaid. So many things that shouldn't have been said. So many things left undone. So many painful, heart wrenching memories. I just don't know how long I can keep this all together.

At Bible study this week we talked about the worst times in our lives, and how God saw them as great moments in out relationship because he got to hold us so tightly and remind us that he is here for us. If that is truly the case, God clearly can not get enough of holding me tight, because I've had some really rough times in the last few years. It doesn't seem fair that I've had so many things go wrong in my very young life.

The way things have been

I hate feeling like this. I hate being some place that I should be excited to be and hating it. I hate feeling like I'm alone. I hate feeling like my boyfriend doesn't give two shits about the fact that I'm no longer happy here, the fact that we haven't seen each other in almost three months, or about me. I want to go home, but I don't think I'll be any happier there than I am here. Worst of all, I hate feeling like my contract in Arizona is keeping me from doing more important things for my best friend. This is too confining. I have to get out!

Whew!

Life has been a whirlwind to say the least. In the last month I graduated from college with a BA in Theatre, moved back in with my parents, got a job that starts in August, celebrated my one year anniversary with Tye Dye, moved to Colorado for my summer job, and lived with Tye Dye for a few days somewhere in there. No wonder I haven't had much time to blog. It's weird picking up and moving to a town you've never been to for a job where you've never met anyone there, but I absolutely love it. Work has been rough the last two days, but even that makes me thankful for the opportunity I have here. I am doing exactly what I love and I'm getting paid for it. It's lovely. And even though I miss Tye Dye terribly, I think it was really important for my growth as a human being to take the chance to come out here and try to make my life work out. I'm not much of a big risk taker, but this is one risk I wouldn't take back for the world.

And plans change

It's kind of amazing how one single day can totally change your plans for the future. Tye Dye and I had talked about it and we decided that we wanted to move in together after I graduate college and get back hopefully from a summer theatre job. However, I found out last Saturday that our plans have been completely thwarted. His parents, who are very conservative religiously, do not want us to live together until we are married. Part of the plan was I was also going to help him pay for school so he wouldn't have to worry so much about finances. But since we won't be living together, I can't afford to help him, or to stay in Flagstaff. It appears that I will either be getting a summer job in another state or moving back in with my parents. Either one puts me far away from him. I'm way not ready to get married right now, but I did want to live with him and be a couple. And no matter where I end up I'm going to miss him. I wanted to stay for love, but now I am forced to leave for money. And to top it all off, I've already gotten two rejections. So I can't stay for love, and no one will take me so I can go for money. I guess I'm literally stuck.

Something I haven't even told anyone in my real life

When I got the excellent news that I'm epilepsy free, I also got very scary news: I could have a small brain tumor. My doctor said not to worry about it, and I was doing pretty good about it until I figured out that my health insurance wouldn't cover the higher resolution mri so we could make sure. Now I'm terrified. I've always believed in a kind of poetic justice, but there's nothing poetic about losing an aunt to brain cancer and finding out you might have a brain tumor within the same year. I'm readily finding out that life isn't fair. Not in the 'everybody should have everything anyone else has' kind of way, but in the 'the same people get constantly shit on kind of way'. I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a good future ahead of me, and this certainly isn't helping. But what I really realized last night is that it's not the possibility of a brain tumor that bothers me, it's what that could mean for my relationship. I love my boyfriend more than anything, we've talked about getting married and having kids and I can't wait to do all those things with him. But I watched my aunt's brain cancer not only take away her body from her, but also her husband. They grew so far apart that he even rented a house for the last few years of her life. He did not want to be married to her anymore. I'm not scared so much of what this could do to my body, I'm afraid of what this could do to my love. I never want to lose him, but I'm not sure what will happen in the long run if this ends up being as bad as it could be.

So rare is great news

I received fantastic news this week: I am epilepsy free. Obviously this news is wonderful, but it's hard for me to simply allow myself to be happy about it. There is always something that is threatening my way of life, I feel like I can't even just sit for a minute without something else needing my attention or drawing my worry. Have I simply become unable to appreciate good news when it is given to me? I am concerned for my future happiness if I cannot remember how to appreciate the good things in my life and just let the bad things happen because they can't be stopped.