And today makes nine

Nine years.  Nine very long years.  Today is the anniversary of my diagnosis with linear morphea.  This certainly has been a year for change.  For the first time in my life I met another person with a localized form of scleroderma.  She is a lovely lady, and we bonded over our years post diagnosis.  For the first time, I had another person who totally understood where I was coming from with my insecurities.  She has coup de sabre, which is a form of scleroderma on the face.  Her attitude about life and her looks is amazing.  She really has an incredible grip on the whole thing.  I really admire her.  This got me to thinking, if this is how people see me.  I mean, you have to cope no matter what, so why not make the best of it?  But do other people see my dealing as a thing to admire?  She is flourishing. It just makes a person wonder.  And I also met someone who had met another someone with morphea.  It was interesting to not be so unique to him.  As soon as I said it, he said, 'oh yeah, I knew someone with that when I was in my twenties'.  I liked not being so special for something I can't help.  It's kind of amazing.  Next year it will be an entire decade since I found out about my disease.  And this was the year that so many things changed in my life.  Pretty cool I'd say

I guess it's about time for some semi-profound thoughts

I guess I really haven't been feeling so introspective lately, which is why I haven't written since April. But also, not a lot has happened. I moved to Tulsa for the summer. And this has led me to call this the 'Summer of Insight'. I'm working for a company that I don't intend on returning to. I like most of the people I work with, but the company overall has some communication issues that drive me bonkers. And I'm living in this sort of limbo because I know that I'm getting my job at home back, but now I don't have an apartment so it will be a mad dash to get one when I get back. But more than just that I'm kind of dreading seeing Tye Dye again. I haven't seen him since October, and I haven't spoken to him since March. However, now that I'm mostly over being super pissed off that he forgot my birthday, I'm kinda missing him again. I feel like that just can't be healthy at this point in the game. We're going on a year of being broken up here, but this damn wound seems to refuse to heal. More than any of this that has me kind of nervous, I'm upset with myself. I have realized that I've become a bitter person. Before I feel like I was delightfully cynical with a dark sense of humor, but now I honestly cannot stand some people. It's like my brain has shut off that part of itself where I can remember what it was like to be 17 and super excited about a job, or how it feels to be 19 and away from home for the first extended period of time. I constantly catch a little voice in the back of my head saying 'I don't care', or 'Why don't you shut the hell up?' I hate that this is what I've become. I'm not sure if it is the unsatisfactory working conditions that make me feel this way or if this is a new facet to my personality, but I really hate it. I can't help but wonder, what happened to the lively young woman I was? Where did she go? Is she still around, or did the world stomp her to death? I know that I'm the only one in control of my attitude, but I'm feeling less and less in control all the time. Is everything spinning out from under me, or am I just using it as an excuse to think bad things about people I don't particularly like?

Not standing, but not falling

Things are stagnant, but not really. I don't feel like I have anything solid to stand on. I have no relationship to stand on. I'm not that close with any of my friends. I fight a lot with my family. And my health has never been stable. But now it appears that my job is also on rocky terms. That was the last thing I had left. I now just feel like I have nothing really stable or secure in my life. I'm certainly not falling, but I'm not standing on solid ground either. Things feel like they're constantly changing, but that I'm no where different. What happens when you finally know what and who you want to be when you grow up, and then you get there but then it all disappears?

Lenten grief brings Easter joy

As a small child I loved everything about Easter. I loved buying a new dress, a hat with a bow or flowers on it, and the obligatory white shoes. And since I was little and therefore not to be trusted with these items, I was forbidden to wear them until Easter came. In it's own way, this was a little Andrea's version of Lenten grief. It made me more aware of the passage of time, and more cognizant of the anticipation of Easter and the return of Christ. Or as my little brain put it, the return of the happy music and new clothes. The difference between Lent and Easter in the church has fascinated me as I've gotten older. All throughout Lent we grieve because we know that the death of Jesus is coming, however we also approach the season with anticipation because we know after the death there will be a resurrection for the sake of all. Unless of course you're a church lady, and then the entire season is mostly a jumble of decorating, redecorating, planning, cooking, purchasing, and practicing in anticipation for the 'big day'. Often in this situation the magnitude of the season is lost on those who are tied to it the closest, because they are the ones in charge of actually making it happen. Which kinda brings me to my whole point. My Lent has been full of grief. From finally starting to grieve over my relationship and losing my neighbor, to the general busyness of trying to get a show ready to open while also preparing myself for Holy Week. And on top of it all a friend of mine died. We had been close once upon a time, but that time was a while ago. At first I couldn't get any answers about what happened, but when I finally heard it through the grapevine I was utterly shocked. He had killed himself. I'm not sure why this surprised me the most, because he seemed so happy all the time, or because he was a man of God. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he knew the love of God, but that this wasn't enough. It's also hard because Easter is all about the resurrection after death, where this won't be the case for my friend. I've been very lost in my grief this season. I have been able to find so very little to make or keep me happy. I've started to wonder if my Lenten grief will inhibit my Easter joy. I understand that the whole point is to go into darkest night, just to emerge into God's glorious light, but what if my own personal darkness gets in the way of the joy? I often feel this way at Christmas as well. There is so much that needs to get done and that is expected of me, there is incredibly little time to revel in the joy. So what then? Will my Easter be just another Sunday? Will it mean absolutely nothing to me? Or will I be so completely overwhelmed and caught off guard by a joy that surpasses all human understanding? I can only hope that when I wake up this Easter morning to put on a dress I've worn a hundred times before, and shoes that are scuffed, and forsake the bonnet to save myself the embarrassment that I can walk into my church and feel a joy that takes me back to being a little girl full of excitement and joy and love for a man that she has never met, but that she knows loves her.

A trip away can change how you see where you are

I have finally changed the way I see things. This week was my birthday, and I love my birthday. I don't need things, but I love hearing from people who I love because it makes me feel appreciated. Well Tye Dye forgot my birthday. I was deeply hurt and disappointed. If we're trying to be friends, then he should have remembered. Today I got up the courage to ask him if he realized that he forgot my birthday. He said he did, he remembered it the day after, but that then it was too late. No apology, no belated 'happy birthday', nothing. This triggered something in my brain. He can't remember something that is very important to me, and so he is not in a place to even be my friend. it breaks my heart that he is so different than the guy I fell for, but that's just it: he really isn't the man i fell in love with right now. So for now, it's time to look at the other fish in the sea. I don't know if I will eventually see that Tye Dye is for me or not, but for right now it is time to see who else is out there and to stop beating myself up over the break up. These things happen, and in this situation there really wasn't anything else I could do. I still love him, but I will always love him for the things he taught me about other people, relationships, and myself. I wouldn't be the lady I am today without him. So a million thanks Tye Dye, but you're really being a butt-head right now.

It's been rough

Life lately has been less than pleasant. I've had a few people in my life die recently, including my life long neighbor who used to watch my brother and I when we had forgotten our house keys. She would give us snacks and play games with us. Unfortunately I had not visited her in quite a while when she died. And I'm not making friends in Phoenix quite like I hoped. I really have one friend in town. I had a group of guys that I was close with, mostly because I had been close with one of them since high school. However, he moved away in December, and I mostly lost touch with the group. But one by one, they tried to connect with me. We'd hang out, watch movies and mostly just spend time together. Then I'd find out that they mostly just wanted to get me into bed, and when they found out that was not going to happen they dropped me like I was on fire. I'm not sure why the universe feels like I deserve to be used by men because I only want friends right now, but I feel like I've had enough. I almost wish that I didn't love my job so much, because then I would just pack up and leave when my contract is up and never look back. Phoenix has never really held much for me, and since I went away to school, it has never been home. I miss the life I has just a short year ago. I miss the happiness I had, I miss everything I used to have.

Acceptance

"Only when we accept the full and honest truth about ourselves can we really sleep."

Perhaps this is why I haven't slept well in months. Until today, I had yet to admit to my part in Tye Dye and I'd break up. I ignored him. When his depression was the worst and he would reach out to me and try to talk to me, I didn't want to hear it. I sometimes would even physically walk away when he would talk about it. I hate that I treated him this way. Somehow I felt that if I simply ignored it, that it would go away. And eventually he stopped talking to me about it. I thought that meant that things were going better, but he had just stopped coming to me about it. I turned a blind eye on a man I love because I was not equipped to handle the things he was going through. And it was completely unfair to him, he respected me for dealing with my disease. He wasn't with me in spite of my disease, or because of it. He accepted it as part of who I am. And I didn't have the common decency to treat him with the same respect. I did not realize the depths of depression until we broke up. I didn't admit to how awful he could feel. I'm the only one to blame for this short coming. I could spew some crap about my stinted childhood, but the blame game never made anyone a better person. I screwed up. I failed. I failed him. I failed myself. And I failed the 'us' that used to be. Maybe now that he called me out on this subject, and I've admitted my fault perhaps we'll have a chance. I didn't want to admit that we would never had a chance until I admitted this to myself. I probably would have never admitted it if Tye Dye wouldn't have flat out told me. I think I miss his honesty the most. He always tried to make me at least be honest with myself. Even if we never make it back together, I now know all kinds of things about myself that I downright do not like, maybe that I even hate. But at least when I'm actually honest with myself I will be able to sleep?