Pretending

You know, a lot of people say I major in pretend. As a theatre major it is my job to make people believe things that aren't real. But isn't that really just lying? I've been thinking about this lately because I've finally come clean about some major lies in my life. When I was a kid, I was watched by family. When my great aunt wasn't around however, my great uncle would let his son beat me around. This week I found out he's dying, and even though it makes me sound like an awful person, I don't really care. I mean, he let a little girl get beat up by her much older boy cousin. I'm not referring to a playful horsing around kind of thing, it was much more serious than that. I finally told this to my mom just this week. She half sounded like she could see that happening and half surprised. I think what really bothered me is that I kept this a secret until I was a junior in college. I couldn't admit that someone who was supposed to love me and take care of me could abuse the trust I put in them. And it's even harder to admit now that I still love his son, because he is my family. But what truly breaks my heart is the cold person I've become towards this man. This man who used to married to one of the greatest women in my life. The man who I'm still afraid will show up where I live or work or go to school. The man I've spent half my life hating. The man who was supposed to protect me because he was my family. One question keeps returning to me: Do I need to pretend to love this man after all he's done, or can I just wash my hands of this and walk away?

I can't believe I completely forgot

So I recently realized that I forgot to blog about my diagnosis anniversary. It was on the 19th but somehow it must have slipped my mind. It's funny, the first year I was diagnosed was one of the scariest times of my life, and the last year has been one of the happiest of my life. I'm meeting people who are incredibly comfortable making little hand jokes, and laughing at the ones I make. The people in my life are more comfortable than ever with my morphea, but I think that's partially because I'm more comfortable than ever with it. I don't see my hand the first thing when I look into a mirror or at a picture. I see my face. I see my smile. I see me just being happy with the way things are, no compromises. I'm living an amazing life, and I've come to really take each day as a blessing and make it a day that was worth living. And a joke here and there never hurt anyone. :)

"That's another bright side to having a baby hand. Soon they'll be in vogue, and everyone's gonna want one."

The journey towards being a grown up

I took a tiny step towards being a grown up yesterday. I cooked dinner for myself and my boyfriend for the first time in my first apartment. It was such a little thing, but it made me feel really nice. I wasn't being forced to cook, I did because I wanted to. And it's also nice knowing that I won't starve without a meal plan. It may have been a tiny step, but at the very least it was a step in the right direction and that's good enough for me.

I hate the me I once was

I ran across a cd today. On it were pictures and typed out text conversations from when I was "with" Stupid. He called me things like babe and sugar and darling, and it utterly disgusted me to read these and know that I completely believed him at the time. I hate who I was back then. I was pathetic and needy. I wanted so badly for him to care about me that I allowed myself to act in cheap and tawdry ways. I'm ashamed of who I was and the things I did just a short time ago to try and buy someone's love. It hurt me so badly to refresh those memories that I instantly text my boyfriend to tell him how much I love him and how I'll never be able to thank him enough for loving me just the way I am. I'm a lucky gal to have found him, I just wish I hadn't sold myself so short in the past. But I'm living, I'm learning, and I'm moving on with my life.

I'm a lost cause

I can't handle distance from the one I love. Granted, it's only about 100 miles and I usually get to see him on the weekends, it's still so hard to watch him drive away. I hated standing on my driveway and watching his minivan turn the corner and drive out of sight. It breaks my heart to think that he was just here and now he's left. I'm such a mess when I'm in love :)

When you know something is wrong

So I've known something isn't right for a long time now. When things are right, people don't twitch, so I should have known this all along. But denile is a powerful card in my hand. I can go on for long periods of time simply not accepting the truth or where this will end up. But my card has been played and I have to accept the facts. There could be something wrong with my brain. When you tell a doctor about a big one directional twitch that you've developed and her eyes get as big as saucers, there's obviously something wrong. Now I'll probably end up seeing a neurologist over Christmas break. I could easily handle when there was something wrong with my stomach, and it's not bad dealing with problems in my joints. Heart problems didn't even really get to me. But the fact that there could be something wrong with my brain is absolutely and completely 100% terrifying. What's going to happen if there is something wrong? How will I handle that? What if I'm just not strong enough to handle this?

I have this man

I have this man, and he is wonderful beyond all words. He constantly makes me feel accepted and wonderful just the way I am. There's no hiding, or pretending to be something I'm not. There's just being who I am, and liking myself that way. And if that isn't great enough, there's even more. I love him. And he loves me right back! He's such a nerd, and he's smart, and funny, and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. And I love him. He constantly reminds me that I deserve to be treated better than a lot of guys have treated me recently, and he makes me feel good about myself. I'm also reminded that there was always hope that this kind of love was out there for me, but that I had become jaded by guys being jerks. I love this man, and I love all that he's already done for me. So this one is for Tye Dye, my fantastically nerdy partner in crime. It's us against the world baby. :)