I have this man

I have this man, and he is wonderful beyond all words. He constantly makes me feel accepted and wonderful just the way I am. There's no hiding, or pretending to be something I'm not. There's just being who I am, and liking myself that way. And if that isn't great enough, there's even more. I love him. And he loves me right back! He's such a nerd, and he's smart, and funny, and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. And I love him. He constantly reminds me that I deserve to be treated better than a lot of guys have treated me recently, and he makes me feel good about myself. I'm also reminded that there was always hope that this kind of love was out there for me, but that I had become jaded by guys being jerks. I love this man, and I love all that he's already done for me. So this one is for Tye Dye, my fantastically nerdy partner in crime. It's us against the world baby. :)

The wonders of opening yourself up

I decided, probably less than a day after my last post, on who to choose. Hands down, it was Tye Dye. He is officially now my boyfriend, and I really couldn't be happier. I woke up this morning, rolled over in bed, and saw him sleeping next to me. I kissed his cheek and just grinned. I wasn't able to stop grinning for at least an hour. I feel so lucky for having such a wonderful man care about me. I feel beautiful and amazing just because he's around. I'm not sure what in my life led me to him, but I feel incredibly blessed that it did. There is no better feeling than feeling loved and wanted and protected from the things that will hurt you. I love that this feeling is back in my life and I just hope and pray that it (and he!) stays around for a good long time. :)

The pros and cons of falling in like

I've been having a mental debate lately. I like this guy (new topic, right!?). And he's so sweet and so good to me, but I'm not sure how I feel about him. And there's another guy who I have absolutely no business being with, yet for some reason I can't get him out of my head. Then my friend told me about the 80/20 principle. Basically this states that you have a main person, who gives you 80% of everything you need. Then there's another person who gives you the 20% that the first person can't give you. People are then attracted to the 20% because it is what they are missing from the person who gives them 80%. I hope that made sense. Tye Dye is my 80, but Long-boarder is my 20. I'm getting way more from Tye Dye and thus this should be a no brainer. I'm not even sure that he can't give me more than 80%. If I really like this guy, and if he's so good for me, why is my brain putting up roadblocks? Is it something that I need to get over? Do I just need to take a leap? Or am I just trying to sabotage myself?

Living with not dying from disease

It's probably completely unproductive, but I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I was never told I was dying. If I went to an actually competent dermatologist, I never would have heard it. I'm struggling at the moment because I'm really starting to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. At a certain point I didn't even think I'd make it to college. But I'm here and I'm mostly healthy. However, the what-ifs and questions still haunt me.

What if I had never heard I was dying?
Would I be better prepared for my future?
Would I be able to better function in relationships?
Would I still be the same person?
What if I didn't graduate?
What if I had dropped out of school because I was so sure I was dying?
What if I had made all the bad decisions that were presented to me my freshman year in high school?
Would I have gone down the same path as my one time sort of boyfriend?
Could I be in jail right now for the decisions I had made?
Would I appreciate my life as much as I do if I didn't think I could lose it?
Would I love as hard as I do?
Would I take as many risks?
Would I say the vast amount of stupid things that I do?
Would I still have my semi-black sense of humor?
Would life just be easier?

I know that all this isn't exactly helpful, but sometimes it creeps into my brain that everything might be so much better if my doctor had never lied to me.

Boys boys boys

It's a little funny. My brand new friend-wife was giving me crap earlier today and last night because she says I have a lot of luck picking up guys. The funny thing is that I can't get any follow up. I danced with this guy at a bar last night and he asked for my number, I haven't heard from him yet, and I truly doubt that I will. And there's this guy that was in the opera, and he even admitted to flirting with me, yet I've heard no more from him. The closest equivalent I can come up with is that if I were a gator hunter, they are on my line, and I just can't get the kill shot to their head. Admittedly I don't want to kill them obviously, but I feel as though this is a good image. I have an interest in them, I make this completely obvious, and still I get nothing. I can get them on the hook and even reel them in, but I can never get them from the hook into the boat. Oh well, I guess someone will climb into the boat sometime.

Ain't it nice?

The pieces fall into place. Decisions get made and stuck to. New friends get made and experiences happen. We smile, we laugh. We are happy.

I love where I am right now. I've made decisions about next year and how I will finish up my undergraduate career. I have a place to live and one of my best friends is coming back to live up here. I have fantastic friends and my family is wonderful. I'm just so content to be in this place. It's been a little bit since I've been here and I'm ecstatic to be back!

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought

Just yesterday I felt so weak it was almost hard to remember how strong I can be. I was taking the bus to class in the morning and there was a girl on there. She was a college student and I have probably never met anyone who made me feel as bad as she did. She stared at my hand with her mouth literally open. And I'm positive that she was staring at my hand because she followed it with her eyes whenever I moved it. I have just never felt so uncomfortable, nor has a complete stranger ever been so close to getting me to cry. It ruined my whole day. Even hours later I was sitting in my car and I started to tear up about it. Why did I let this stupid girl get to me? I had thought that I was so much stronger than that, but I let her rip my pride to shreds. The day turned out okay in the end because I got to flirt and was called cute by a very adorable boy in the opera, but I still can't believe I let her do that to me. When did I stop being the tough cookie I used to be?