Could I get your advice?

I have this friend. And this friend is a worry wart. And whenever she gets a tiny idea in her head it burrows in and starts to pick at my consciousness. I mean HER consciousness! Anyway, my friend has gotten this idea that a certain someone in her life is unhappy. Not only is she afraid that this person is unhappy, but she's afraid that this person will leave her. She's afraid of all this because she doesn't show any emotion when she talks about her skin disease. (What a coincidence!) But the reasons that she doesn't show any emotion anymore are so crazy confusing to a normal person that even I don't understand them. She really REALLY hopes that she's just worrying herself over nothing, which she does all the time so it's no big deal. And her and this certain person are supposed to talk about it tomorrow. What should I tell my friend that she should do?

In other more exciting news!

It is now the second week of my adventure which I'd like to call 'being in a relationship'. And it is so wonderful! He makes me smile and laugh all the time, and I can't even believe sometimes how understanding he is. He doesn't make me feel bad for looking different, and he tells me I'm beautiful all the time. It makes me feel like a 12 year old girl, but I've finally gotten to flip around my claddagh ring for the first time since I bought it and it makes me so ridiculously excited! I don't have to pretend to be normal, or like I even have all the answers with him. There's no better feeling than waking up in his arms and getting a kiss on the forehead and him saying 'good morning beautiful'. For all the wonderful things he's taught me already, and the things he's attempting to teach me, I think I'm already falling for him. So this one is for Sweetums, the best guy I've met in a very long time.

When things get truly scary

I've put off writing this blog for at least a week. I couldn't really place how I was feeling, and decided that everybody in cyberspace that's waiting with baited breath for my next post could wait a few more days. Even now that I'm sitting down to write it, I'm still not sure exactly how I feel. I found a new spot, and while this isn't a completely new experience for me, finding this one nearly killed me. It's on my right arm. While that may not seem like much it means a lot. It's only about five inches from my wrist, and that's the scariest part of all. I finally have to start figuring out how I can live my life with limited use of both of my hands. Everything in me was hoping that I'd be able to use my right hand normally for at least several more years, and now I have to consider the alternative. Sewing is already a bit of a challenge, but with four moving fingers can I make it work? Can I do what I love with two mostly imobile hands? Who's ever heard of a costume designer who can hardly hold a pencil, or a cutter/draper who can't work a pair of scissors? It's all too real. It's all too scary. I'm stuck, I'm lost, I'm scared. No part of this is fair. And I know that life's not fair, but is it supposed to be this hard? Is it fair that I've finally found something I love to do and that I'm three semesters away from graduating, and now I might have gone to school for something I can no longer do? I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I'm so scared about my future I can't hardly function. What do I do? Is there anything I even can do?

When is it too little?

I've always thought that I wanted to know exactly when I'm going to die, that way I could prepare and enjoy what I've got here. But now that I'm faced with knowing when someone I love is going to die I'm not so sure. I was told about a week ago that my aunt with a brain tumor has finally decided that she's done treating it, so she only has about six months left. It's hard because we're now all preparing, and it feels like we're going to miss out on the time she has left. We're so busy getting ready for her to be gone so we're not even enjoying that she's still here. Now I'm not sure if I want to know when I'm going to die. Will I be upset because it's not long enough? Will it be soon? I just don't even want to know anymore.

The Power of Positive Thinking

Until very recently I had never given much thought to thinking positively. If you know me in my current life you would probably think of me as a happy and positive person. This has not always been the case. Around six years ago I was a very sad person and I hated many of the facets of my life. Eventually I was able to overcome the depression that I originally experienced with my diagnosis. But I still didn't think that I was going to get any better. I still had that cynical little voice in the back of my head that said I ws never going to look any better, and that my condition was never going to get any better. I'm not even sure what finally busted me out of this funk, but I started improving. I finally started to believe that my medicines were going to help me. I believed that my shots where going to help me. My skin has gotten so much lighter, my spots are less hard, and I've retained the motion that I still have. I've even started to think positively about the condition of my left hand. People have told me that they hardly noticed it until I myself have mentioned it. It's a good feeling that I'm in less pain and that I look better, but I didn't realize why all of this had happened until earlier last week. In my Health, Healing, and Religions class we've been talking about the placebo effect. Studies have shown that patients have had marked improvement simply by believing that they will get better when given a sugar pill. Maybe the human mind is exactly as powerful as hippies have always said it is. Perhaps it was the power of positive thoughts that have made me better. Maybe it was the power of God. Who knows?

Yet another blog on fear

It's amazing isn't it? It can be completely paralyzing, and it can be freeing. It can lead us to do great things, and our lowest lows. I had a moment of such fear just last night that still has me slightly shook up. A friend of mine called me and told me that she was near my apartment and her friend was having an epilepsy attack. I ran down the stairs and out to her and her friend who were sitting on a curb in the parking lot. We tried to help her up and talk to her to pass the time. At first you could hardly tell anything was wrong, she was really responsive and was telling stories with my friend. But as the night wore on, she couldn't remember where we were, who my friend was, or even recognize herself in a picture. It took us two hours to get her back into her room, and even then she had no idea where she was and didn't readily feel safe there. I can't even begin to fathom how scared she must have been, having people tell her that she lives here but not knowing it for herself. By the time I got home my nerves were so completely shot, that I just sat on my bed and frantically cried. I couldn't control myself, then my roommate came into my room beyond freaked out and tried to figure out what was wrong. I didn't even have any words, I just had tears. I was afraid because I had so little idea of what to do, I was afraid for her right now, and because I was afraid for her in the future. I hadn't even met her until last night, but I was still so scared for her. It says something about the human spirit that we are able to keep it together as long as we need to, and then completely fall apart. At least I can find comfort in that.

Lonely No More

It seems like all this summer I was bound by some unseen force to my house so that I could do nothing but be lonely all day. But now that I'm back at school, that feeling is completely gone. I had plans almost every night this week to the point that I forced myself to take a night off to get some work done. Between classes, friends, homework, and shop hours I'm keeping myself wonderfully busy. With everything going so well I have to count my blessings because I'm fabulously happy. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for a night with no homework and no plans to bum me out. It irks me that my brain can't just be happy for a little bit and not want to ruin the happy. Oh well, maybe if I keep myself busy enough I won't have time to second guess where I'm at.