Boys boys boys

It's a little funny. My brand new friend-wife was giving me crap earlier today and last night because she says I have a lot of luck picking up guys. The funny thing is that I can't get any follow up. I danced with this guy at a bar last night and he asked for my number, I haven't heard from him yet, and I truly doubt that I will. And there's this guy that was in the opera, and he even admitted to flirting with me, yet I've heard no more from him. The closest equivalent I can come up with is that if I were a gator hunter, they are on my line, and I just can't get the kill shot to their head. Admittedly I don't want to kill them obviously, but I feel as though this is a good image. I have an interest in them, I make this completely obvious, and still I get nothing. I can get them on the hook and even reel them in, but I can never get them from the hook into the boat. Oh well, I guess someone will climb into the boat sometime.

Ain't it nice?

The pieces fall into place. Decisions get made and stuck to. New friends get made and experiences happen. We smile, we laugh. We are happy.

I love where I am right now. I've made decisions about next year and how I will finish up my undergraduate career. I have a place to live and one of my best friends is coming back to live up here. I have fantastic friends and my family is wonderful. I'm just so content to be in this place. It's been a little bit since I've been here and I'm ecstatic to be back!

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought

Just yesterday I felt so weak it was almost hard to remember how strong I can be. I was taking the bus to class in the morning and there was a girl on there. She was a college student and I have probably never met anyone who made me feel as bad as she did. She stared at my hand with her mouth literally open. And I'm positive that she was staring at my hand because she followed it with her eyes whenever I moved it. I have just never felt so uncomfortable, nor has a complete stranger ever been so close to getting me to cry. It ruined my whole day. Even hours later I was sitting in my car and I started to tear up about it. Why did I let this stupid girl get to me? I had thought that I was so much stronger than that, but I let her rip my pride to shreds. The day turned out okay in the end because I got to flirt and was called cute by a very adorable boy in the opera, but I still can't believe I let her do that to me. When did I stop being the tough cookie I used to be?

Which way is the right way, or are they all right?

Do you ever get to a point in your life where it feels like there are only huge decisions looming over your head? And there is no clear answer for any of them? On top of that, everyone you know constantly gives their opinion without ever letting you give yours? It seems that they forget that the decision is yours to make. It almost feels like you're standing in the middle of hundreds of pathways, but you can't see more than a single foot down any of them. There are so many reasons that lead you to each and every one of these decisions, but no one way has more reasons that pull you to it than any other. And so you're stuck, waiting, watching, and hoping for a sign that one way is the way to take to become a better human being, or to be happy, or to move on with your life. But it's the indecision that's killing you and paralyzing you to the point that you physically can't move for the fear of making the wrong choice. So what do you do? What do you do!?

Welcome to my world.

The beauties of my family

I just got off the phone with my parents. They had called because tomorrow is my birthday. My dad even planned a little something special for me. He found a recording of my favorite book growing up: Runaway Soup. I made my dad read this to me so often that he had the entire thing memorized for years afterwords. The fact that he remembered this thing that was so huge and reminded me of it on my 21st birthday was so special. I cried listening to this random little girl reading one of my favorite stories. It was really nice to get even more confirmation of how much my daddy and my mommy love me. This is going to be a great birthday!

I've got issues

I worry, all the time about nothing. I let myself ache over things I have no control over. I forget that others have things going on in their lives that keep them from being able to do what they want to or what they said they would. I feel like I'm alone in my struggles, yet I don't tell anyone. I'm stubborn to a fault.
But there are people who love me just the way I am.
It's strange but I had a conversation with a person that I've been blogging about a lot lately. I really care about him, and the fact that I have proof that he cares about me is nice. Throughout the course of our conversation I felt uneasy. It was so strange that someone was trying to fix things with me. Usually after a fight I just never talk to a person again because they don't care enough to make things right. At one point, he jokingly apologized that he had put me in a situation where I had to deal with someone caring enough to make things work. I realized that I have issues, but I have friends that are willing to work with me. This was a really nice ending to a day when I needed a pick-me-up.

The way things are, and the way I wish things were

It appears that most, if not all, the men in my life leave me. We're tight, and close and everything until they move, or until something happens. Whether it's drugs or emotional battery or whatever, something always happens. But when it comes right down to it, it's my fault. They hurt me and I push them away to try and make things easier for myself. I've been rejected by guys I loved, by guys that were like my brother, and by guys that I actually thought I meant something to. And none of them want hardly anything to do with me anymore. So why is it the one guy that still has me all wound up wants me around, sorta. There is no reason that I should still be attached to him, but I am. He didn't want to work for what we might have had and broke things off with lame excuses. But he's around. I hate that I still care about him. I hate that I can't be the cold hearted b*tch that would make everything easier. And most of all I hate that I completely believed him when he said that he cared about me too much to not be in my life at all anymore. I was mostly over this. I was done with these feelings and they were in a little pocket deep inside my tummy where I wouldn't have to think about them anymore. However, that was before my questionable drunken talk with this guy. I hated talking to him, but I couldn't make myself stop. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, and I drank it all in. That was a week ago. We had made plans to talk about it, and to really work things out, and it never happened. And now I'm stuck with this hurt again. With this 'does he actually care about me' hurt. And it's so hard to live with this and not be able to tell any of my friends. I can't tell them that I still care, and that he is still able to hurt me. I can't tell them that this is like the breakup all over again. I can't tell them it feels as though I swallowed a tiny knife, and if I lay still enough and don't breathe it doesn't hurt. But add in the tiniest movement and it hurts all over again. What is it about this guy that has me so messed up!? What's wrong with the way my brain is functioning right now!?