Men.

You'd think relationships with men would be easier than women. They don't thrive on drama, they tell you exactly why they're mad, and their sense of humor is easier to tap into. However, it's recently dawned on me that I don't have very good relationships with the guys in my life. As long as we keep them superficial, everything goes great, it's the minute things get real that the proverbial spaghetti hits the fan. I'm not super close with my dad, and all the other male members of my family, with the exception of my brother, live far away. But it's really the guy friends I've had in my life that really have messed up my ideas about men. I was friends with this guy since we were in the second grade. Then one day out of the blue, he showed me a heroin track scar and laughed about it. I haven't spoken to him since then, and that was about four years ago. Any time I get a very close guy friend, he either leaves me or I put way more into the relationship than I get back. Now, I've made a new friend, let's call him Banana Boy. I haven't known him very long, but we're already super close. I'm really afraid that he's going to leave like the rest of them; however, he seems completely different. It's mostly that I've never met another guy that is so easy to open up to, and I feel like he really knows me and understands me for who I am. That's the scariest part of all, what if he really sees me for who I am, and hates me for what he sees. Then I opened up my heart to some kid who played with it, then stomped it into the mud. I guess I just need to have the faith that he won't be like a lot of the other men in my life and leave me with an open sore wound where my heart used to be. But where in this big world am I supposed to find that kind of faith in a man?

Memories can come up and bite you in the tuchis

It's almost ridiculous the things that can trigger memories in your brain. Today I was just watching tv, when a Hallmark commercial came on. It was actually for one of the cutest things I've ever seen. There were two little girls who opened a book, and then their grandmother's voice started reading the story to them. The commercial ended with her voice saying 'I love you girls'. I completely lost control of my tear ducts. I cried almost as hard as when I heard that my grandpa had died. It hit me just then that I'm starting to lose my memory of how he sounded. It breaks my heart that I can hardly hear him say he loves me in my head anymore. Then it occured to me that I can't remember how my grandmother's voice sounded anymore. And I can hardly hear Ms. Vi tell me 'Merry Christmas' anymore, and that was always the way I wanted to remember her because it was her favorite holiday. And I can only see Tim's smile when I see old pictures of him. Mostly it breaks my heart that the memory of people who are so precious to me were intrusted to something as faliable as my very human brain. I'm completely astonished that I can remember some of the worst moments in my entire life, but I can't remember the simple things about some of the best people that have ever been in my life. I guess the human brain is funny like that, but I still remember the little things about them that made them so special. The way my grandma always smelled like peppermint, and how she believed that they could cure everything from a headache to a stomache ache. The way that Vi was always filled with spunk and had a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. My grandpa's undying stubbornness and never ending love for his family. I guess that it's those things that'll keep in my memory. It's just utter craziness that one little commercial could trudge up all those memories. Oh goodness brain, when will you leave me be and not make me cry over silly things that bring up sad memories?

Something I discovered yesterday

So I was talking to a friend yesterday and I found out something that I think makes me happy. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a skin disease, and while it's not very serious, my dermatologist was a total jerk. He told me that my disease was going to kill me. As a 14 year old girl, being told that you're going to die slow, painfully and soon shatters your world. So the fact that he was wrong and I'm feeling excellent really makes my day each and every day. Anyway, back to the friend I was talking about. She had no idea that I had been told I was dying, and she was completely surprised. Then it hit me. People always wonder why I take my disease so lightly nowadays, and this is why. They didn't live through my disease like I did, and they don't understand how easy it is to live with now as compared to when I thought I'd never live to see college. My every day is a great gift, and I celebrate each day with laughter. So people, I'm really not as sensitive about it as everyone assumes I am. If you're curious, ask, don't stare. I'm a better person for what I've been through, and I want to use it to help others cope with things. Lean on me, I'm strong when you can't be.

Here's to all the nice guys

I don't know any girls who would rather date a jerk than a truly nice guy. So stop all this crap about 'girls only date jerks'. You piss me off so much! Honestly, maybe the only problem is that you're smothering her! Back off! I really do love the nice guys, and I truly appreciate you being out there, but sometimes things just aren't going to work out. When that happens, don't take it personally! Things just weren't right, and there's no reason for that to be a life-shattering event, especially if you two weren't even dating. I'm tired of people my age constantly putting all their relationship faith in one person, and, heaven forbid, it doesn't pan out, then they're completely depressed and unconsolable. So everybody just do me a favor: Nice guys, don't give up, girls will eventually catch up with you. And everybody else, just stop being so stupid with your relationships.

Sorry for the rant, but I felt it necessary.

Oh me, oh my...

It seems that all too often my brain feels scrambled because of boy drama. I feel like I'm leading on two or three guys right now, depending on how What's his bucket feels about me. Now I'm so worried about not hurting anyone's feelings that I'm not even sure how I feel about this situation. To catch you up, there's this new guy that lives in my building, we'll call him Luke, he left messages on the board on my door, and we ended up hanging out because of these messages. He's very nice, but I'm afraid I rushed into things and I believe that now we've crossed the line between friends and the grey 'relationship' area. I'm not even sure if I'm in a good place to be in a relationship because I'm so frazzled and all over the place right now. I'm not even exactly sure how I feel about him. It never seems to fail, I'm alone with no one interested for like a year at a time, then I find one guy and we start flirting, then before I know it, there's mulitple guys and I have no idea how I feel about any of them. I'm getting very tired of this cycle. Right now, it feels like my brain is inside a washing machine that just keeps filling with water and bubbles and keeps spinning back and forth. I have no idea of what I'm going to do, so I guess it's great that I'm out-of-town for this weekend. If you have any advice I'd love to hear it! Please?

Preserverence

Today I climbed a mountain. It wasn't a figurative mountain, it was a very literal mountain. I climbed over 800 ft at an altitude of 7000 ft above sea level. I wanted to quit at least ten times, and really tried to twice. But I pushed myself to reach the top, and a friend pushed me too. It's funny how clear the world looked from up there. I realize it sounds completely cliche but it's true. The world was beautiful and calm and I just looked at how far I had climbed and just felt so proud. I had done it, I did it for JJ*, I did it for Poo Face*, but most of all I did it for me. Right now, my leg hurts so bad because I fell on the way down, and the entire lower half of my body is going to be in intense pain tomorrow, but it was all completely and utterly worth it.

So my message to you is to climb your mountain, and take a good look around. What you see might surprise you, or maybe you'll just be happy that you got to experience it first hand. Have a lovely day.

*- obviously not their names, haven't we established this already?

It has officially been decided

I've come to a realization as of this very moment. Life is better and richer when you laugh. No matter what has happened I think each and every one of us needs a laugh that is so infectious that it hurts our sides every single day. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy, and no matter how bleek things look there is always something out there that will make you laugh. Whether it's being so crushed with sadness that one amusing thing breaks the sadness, or whether you finally find yourself smiling for no reason and that makes you laugh, you need happiness in your life. I just had one of those, it literally takes my breath away bouts of laughter that makes my roomie concerned about me. And as I finally caught my breath and reassured her that I wasn't going to die, I realized how much richer my life had gotten from that one little bout of breathless laughter. I highly encourage you to partake in this brilliant new discovery of mine. Bonne courage! (Which means 'good luck' in english)