I hate the me I once was

I ran across a cd today. On it were pictures and typed out text conversations from when I was "with" Stupid. He called me things like babe and sugar and darling, and it utterly disgusted me to read these and know that I completely believed him at the time. I hate who I was back then. I was pathetic and needy. I wanted so badly for him to care about me that I allowed myself to act in cheap and tawdry ways. I'm ashamed of who I was and the things I did just a short time ago to try and buy someone's love. It hurt me so badly to refresh those memories that I instantly text my boyfriend to tell him how much I love him and how I'll never be able to thank him enough for loving me just the way I am. I'm a lucky gal to have found him, I just wish I hadn't sold myself so short in the past. But I'm living, I'm learning, and I'm moving on with my life.

I'm a lost cause

I can't handle distance from the one I love. Granted, it's only about 100 miles and I usually get to see him on the weekends, it's still so hard to watch him drive away. I hated standing on my driveway and watching his minivan turn the corner and drive out of sight. It breaks my heart to think that he was just here and now he's left. I'm such a mess when I'm in love :)

When you know something is wrong

So I've known something isn't right for a long time now. When things are right, people don't twitch, so I should have known this all along. But denile is a powerful card in my hand. I can go on for long periods of time simply not accepting the truth or where this will end up. But my card has been played and I have to accept the facts. There could be something wrong with my brain. When you tell a doctor about a big one directional twitch that you've developed and her eyes get as big as saucers, there's obviously something wrong. Now I'll probably end up seeing a neurologist over Christmas break. I could easily handle when there was something wrong with my stomach, and it's not bad dealing with problems in my joints. Heart problems didn't even really get to me. But the fact that there could be something wrong with my brain is absolutely and completely 100% terrifying. What's going to happen if there is something wrong? How will I handle that? What if I'm just not strong enough to handle this?

I have this man

I have this man, and he is wonderful beyond all words. He constantly makes me feel accepted and wonderful just the way I am. There's no hiding, or pretending to be something I'm not. There's just being who I am, and liking myself that way. And if that isn't great enough, there's even more. I love him. And he loves me right back! He's such a nerd, and he's smart, and funny, and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. And I love him. He constantly reminds me that I deserve to be treated better than a lot of guys have treated me recently, and he makes me feel good about myself. I'm also reminded that there was always hope that this kind of love was out there for me, but that I had become jaded by guys being jerks. I love this man, and I love all that he's already done for me. So this one is for Tye Dye, my fantastically nerdy partner in crime. It's us against the world baby. :)

The wonders of opening yourself up

I decided, probably less than a day after my last post, on who to choose. Hands down, it was Tye Dye. He is officially now my boyfriend, and I really couldn't be happier. I woke up this morning, rolled over in bed, and saw him sleeping next to me. I kissed his cheek and just grinned. I wasn't able to stop grinning for at least an hour. I feel so lucky for having such a wonderful man care about me. I feel beautiful and amazing just because he's around. I'm not sure what in my life led me to him, but I feel incredibly blessed that it did. There is no better feeling than feeling loved and wanted and protected from the things that will hurt you. I love that this feeling is back in my life and I just hope and pray that it (and he!) stays around for a good long time. :)

The pros and cons of falling in like

I've been having a mental debate lately. I like this guy (new topic, right!?). And he's so sweet and so good to me, but I'm not sure how I feel about him. And there's another guy who I have absolutely no business being with, yet for some reason I can't get him out of my head. Then my friend told me about the 80/20 principle. Basically this states that you have a main person, who gives you 80% of everything you need. Then there's another person who gives you the 20% that the first person can't give you. People are then attracted to the 20% because it is what they are missing from the person who gives them 80%. I hope that made sense. Tye Dye is my 80, but Long-boarder is my 20. I'm getting way more from Tye Dye and thus this should be a no brainer. I'm not even sure that he can't give me more than 80%. If I really like this guy, and if he's so good for me, why is my brain putting up roadblocks? Is it something that I need to get over? Do I just need to take a leap? Or am I just trying to sabotage myself?

Living with not dying from disease

It's probably completely unproductive, but I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I was never told I was dying. If I went to an actually competent dermatologist, I never would have heard it. I'm struggling at the moment because I'm really starting to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. At a certain point I didn't even think I'd make it to college. But I'm here and I'm mostly healthy. However, the what-ifs and questions still haunt me.

What if I had never heard I was dying?
Would I be better prepared for my future?
Would I be able to better function in relationships?
Would I still be the same person?
What if I didn't graduate?
What if I had dropped out of school because I was so sure I was dying?
What if I had made all the bad decisions that were presented to me my freshman year in high school?
Would I have gone down the same path as my one time sort of boyfriend?
Could I be in jail right now for the decisions I had made?
Would I appreciate my life as much as I do if I didn't think I could lose it?
Would I love as hard as I do?
Would I take as many risks?
Would I say the vast amount of stupid things that I do?
Would I still have my semi-black sense of humor?
Would life just be easier?

I know that all this isn't exactly helpful, but sometimes it creeps into my brain that everything might be so much better if my doctor had never lied to me.