Something I haven't even told anyone in my real life

When I got the excellent news that I'm epilepsy free, I also got very scary news: I could have a small brain tumor. My doctor said not to worry about it, and I was doing pretty good about it until I figured out that my health insurance wouldn't cover the higher resolution mri so we could make sure. Now I'm terrified. I've always believed in a kind of poetic justice, but there's nothing poetic about losing an aunt to brain cancer and finding out you might have a brain tumor within the same year. I'm readily finding out that life isn't fair. Not in the 'everybody should have everything anyone else has' kind of way, but in the 'the same people get constantly shit on kind of way'. I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a good future ahead of me, and this certainly isn't helping. But what I really realized last night is that it's not the possibility of a brain tumor that bothers me, it's what that could mean for my relationship. I love my boyfriend more than anything, we've talked about getting married and having kids and I can't wait to do all those things with him. But I watched my aunt's brain cancer not only take away her body from her, but also her husband. They grew so far apart that he even rented a house for the last few years of her life. He did not want to be married to her anymore. I'm not scared so much of what this could do to my body, I'm afraid of what this could do to my love. I never want to lose him, but I'm not sure what will happen in the long run if this ends up being as bad as it could be.

So rare is great news

I received fantastic news this week: I am epilepsy free. Obviously this news is wonderful, but it's hard for me to simply allow myself to be happy about it. There is always something that is threatening my way of life, I feel like I can't even just sit for a minute without something else needing my attention or drawing my worry. Have I simply become unable to appreciate good news when it is given to me? I am concerned for my future happiness if I cannot remember how to appreciate the good things in my life and just let the bad things happen because they can't be stopped.

A Whole New Year

It's interesting how different I feel because it's the start of a new year. I am only seven days in and everything feels fresh. The same apartment I was living in feels new. The class I started before the year started feels new. Everything has this hue to it like it's a brand new baby that I just want to hold and wonder how it will grow up. It makes me wonder: What changes so dramatically between December 31st and January 1st? I think it has a lot to do with second chances. It is my opinion that we do not give ourselves enough chances in this life. But a new year means new challenges and new opportunities to show ourselves that we can do it. Most people make a New Year's resolution or two, but I don't think that's enough. Every year since I started college I have made a list. A list of 100 things I hope to do with my year, and this year is no exception. I have things that are easy to do like go bowling and make a snowman and then stuff that I probably won't get to do such as see the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. My list reminds me that there is always more adventures to be had and more fun things to experience. It also helps me see what I want to do with my life. I probably will not make it to the Eiffel Tower this year, but I will eventually see it with my own two eyes. And best of all, my list reminds me that even small events, like bowling, can be an adventure and can be exciting. I guess the new year is so exciting because it has so much untapped potential. It gives us all a zest for life and excitement, and a hope for what this year will have in store. It's a great shame that we can't feel like this everyday, not just in the first few days or weeks of each new year.

What a tough semester?

One of my professors told me last week that I had had a really rough semester in my personal life. At the time I was really confused, I thought it was no worse than usual. But after some actual thought on it, this has been an incredibly rough one. My aunt died of brain cancer the day before the semester actually started. I can't even remember her before she got sick. My great uncle died, and that made me come to terms with the horrible things he used to do to me. I told my mom about it, and my brother and I talked about it. I was told that I probably have epilepsy, and I started all my tests to figure it out. I had my first MRI. I had a huge project that took up my whole semester to get it done. And I was fighting with a really good friend of mine. This semester was crap. Listing it all really tells me how crap-tastic it really was, so how do I still see it as no worse than any other semester? Would I rather just hide away from the fact that I did have a lot to deal with, or do I see my life as so awful that this was really nothing special?

What the heck!?

I am so sick and tired of getting shit on for having my own opinion. I get to think whatever I want to think and it really doesn't matter what other people think of this fact.That is my right as a free human being: to have thoughts and opinions. I don't like a specific organization within my department at school. And it is well within my rights not to like them. What I'm tired of is people saying shit to me all the time about it. You know what? I'm sick and tired of people acting like they are the organization. Guess what, you aren't. You are a separate entity and I can like you just fine without liking a group you belong to. I'm tired a particular person who constantly acts like he's better than everyone because he is so mature. Well you're the worst! You act so offended because your pledge week crap annoys me? I'm trying to work. And apparently because you're 24 and I'm only 21 that makes you a better judge of how to behave than me? Well shove it! You are by no means better than me, and I have every right to not like the group you're a part of. So if my department could just get off my back about not liking their dumb club that would just be fantastic. And now that's the end of my rant.

One thing, two totally different ways

I've had two deaths in my family within the last month. My aunt died in the last week of August, and my great uncle died last night. Her death filled me with so much sadness that my heart broke for her and her children. The pieces still don't fit together quite right. But my uncle, I feel no drop of sadness for his passing. Instead, I am sad for myself. I am sad that he was the subject of my last post. I am sad that he drastically changed my life. And I'm sad that I feel nothing left for a man who helped to raise me. My aunt was a good, sweet woman who did not deserve the brain cancer card that was dealt to her. She did not deserve to suffer for 18 while the people who loved her most watched her fade away from the woman she once was. And she did not deserve to only know her granddaughter for 3 years. My uncle deserved everything that he got. He burned family bridges and destroyed family dynamics. He fought with my parents. He let me suffer and the hands of my cousin. I hadn't spoken to him in almost 10 years. Grief is a funny thing. It can break people. It can make people stronger. It can make you cry. But it's the scariest when it doesn't make you sad at all, and it actually makes you relieved.

Pretending

You know, a lot of people say I major in pretend. As a theatre major it is my job to make people believe things that aren't real. But isn't that really just lying? I've been thinking about this lately because I've finally come clean about some major lies in my life. When I was a kid, I was watched by family. When my great aunt wasn't around however, my great uncle would let his son beat me around. This week I found out he's dying, and even though it makes me sound like an awful person, I don't really care. I mean, he let a little girl get beat up by her much older boy cousin. I'm not referring to a playful horsing around kind of thing, it was much more serious than that. I finally told this to my mom just this week. She half sounded like she could see that happening and half surprised. I think what really bothered me is that I kept this a secret until I was a junior in college. I couldn't admit that someone who was supposed to love me and take care of me could abuse the trust I put in them. And it's even harder to admit now that I still love his son, because he is my family. But what truly breaks my heart is the cold person I've become towards this man. This man who used to married to one of the greatest women in my life. The man who I'm still afraid will show up where I live or work or go to school. The man I've spent half my life hating. The man who was supposed to protect me because he was my family. One question keeps returning to me: Do I need to pretend to love this man after all he's done, or can I just wash my hands of this and walk away?